I Do Regret Nothing
by Eruhel
Summary: Yohio-fic [Yohiction]! Trixie has gone through many things and even his boss offered her to play his son's girlfriend for a while. But what if she hates men and he's homosexual? Sooner or later they begin to have tender feelings towards each other and they learn one of the biggest truths in life: Beware what you lie, it might become true.
1. 1 - Sweet Ignorance

Chapter One: Sweet Ignorance

Dear Diary!

It's the 3rd of June, 2013, and tomorrow it'll be my birthday. I just don't know how people usually keep diaries but I'll try to write something each day...

Mom has just told me that in two weeks time we'll move abroad. Just one year before I would be able to take my final exams. Genius...Why couldn't she wait one more year? I just can't imagine...

4th June, 2013.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Mom told me that I should say goodbye to my old friends. On my birthday. Does she want me - and everybody else - to CRY today?!

Back from school. I told all of my friends - and to my boyfriend - that they wouldn't meet me for some years. My friends weren't happy about it but they wanted to stay my friends. But not did my boyfriend. He said that he didn't love me anyway. Nice breaking up... Later one friend of ours told me that he has cheated on me. Thanks God. It hasn't ended because of me.

Tara has just called me to go out with her to the town.

Woaah, it was the best birthday of mine EVER! We were just shopping while Mom and the guys were making a surprise-party for me! In the end we didn't buy anything and were just walking home sadly. But when I entered they started singing _Happy birthday to you..._ and I was so happy about it! I love them all!

They said as school ends in one and a half week it was my farewell-party too. I'll miss them so much! Where can I find as great friends as they are?

5th June, 2013.

I have an idea about the place where we'll go. I think it's Sweden. Partly because it just came into my mind that Mom was born there. Her parents moved there a long time ago and they came back when she was 16 and I also have the citizenship although I have never been there. And partly because I have found some air-tickets in mom's bedside table.

13th June, 2013.

OMG, I didn't have time to write anything, I had a huge amount of things to do. Tests, tests and more tests had been waiting for me but now I have finished with them. Tomorrow we're going to the capital and - as I have thought - we're going to Sweden.

I have argued with my friends in the last two weeks so we're not friends at all now. I'll make a new fb account, I'm sure.

I still have many things to do so I don't really think I'll be able to write.

14th June, 2013.

FUCK THIS SHIT! We've just arrived when my mother told me that she wants to introduce me somebody. We'd got into a taxi and went to a big apartment-house. We got off and went to the sixth floor ON FOOT (!), and entered the flat that was the furthest. A man was waiting for us - mom's school-love. His name's Peter and he'll be my next father! Dad has just died three months ago and SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED?! I just can't calm down! And no, I don't have any problem with him just with her. I still mourn my father and at the end of this summer she, HIS WIFE will turn black into white.

20th June, 2013.

I'm getting used to the fact that I'll have a new father when suddenly he enters my room and tells me that if I want to buy something in the summer I'll have to work for my money, he won't pay anything for me. Great father.

21st June, 2013.

Today I still don't have any idea what should I work because I can't speak Swedish. My school will be a bilingual one so I'll learn everything in English except Literature and Swedish Grammar. I don't have to learn these and History - I'll take my final exams of these later.

OMG, I haven't written down where we have moved. The town is called Sundsvall I think.

23rd June, 2013.

Still have no idea about work. Peter told me that I should go to the McDonald's but I don't think it would be a good idea because I still can't speak Swedish. Mom has already told me how to say _hello, thank you, good morning _and_ goodbye_, but I don't remember.

24th June, 2013.

I went to a shop in the mall and I have found a LOVELY and COOL Gothloli dress but I have no money to buy. I have to find a job asap.

25th June, 2013.

Peter took me to one of his friends who had a small boutique, where actually I couldn't find clothes for myself. Just usual pussycats can find there anything wearable. I hate fashion.

Ian - Peter's friend - told me that I could work at his shop. After some thinking time I accepted. I've thought if he offered it, I should make a try...

On the other hand today I began going for evening language-classes. There are many Arabic people and just one or two other Europeans so I couldn't find any friends yet.

26th June, 2013.

I think I should write dialogues down if sg interesting happens, for example if I meet a cute guy...

This day was my first day at work. I liked it, no real pussycats were there, but also I haven't met any handsome boys.

27th June, 2013.

I HATE THIS PLACE! I told Ian that thanks for his offer but I think I can't work here anymore where such BITCHES come! My pride doesn't allow me to do. I'm writing the story down: I was checking the clothes if all of them have their price written on them when three pussycats entered. I asked them if they need any help and they answered:

- I don't need a Goth's help to choose a suitable dress for myself!

First mistake: I'm not Goth, I'm Metallian. On the other hand, I sometimes wear colorful - and a bit fashionable - clothes too. So I answered:

- Darling, tell me if you have any problem with me or with my style...

- Oh, nothing special, just your blackness... - she answered.

- OK, do you want to buy anything?

- If such people work here I do not... - and they went out of the shop.

_Fucking pen, it doesn't work now, it's so typical!_

After the incident I ran to Ian's office and told him everything.

- Well, if you don't want to work here more, I understand you. She usually comes and argues and not all of my employers can stand her.

So, my career as a shop assistant has ended in two days.

29th June, 2013.

I told Mom that I don't like my current hair so that she took me to a hairdresser. I had my hair cut down. Now it's short, shorter on my back but it's still black.

I'll miss my long hair but I think this new one matches me more.

30th June, 2013.

I woke up today and as I went to the bathroom I saw myself and I was amazed of my hair but I liked it. I was quite happy that it was a bit wavy. It looked so... rebellious... as myself.

At breakfast I thought I should ask Peter sg:

- Peter...

- Uhm? - he asked while biting one of the toast which was full of marmalade.

- Have you heard what happened to me yesterday?

- Yes, Ian has told me. I'm not satisfied with you, dear.

- Do you think I could work with not much people? And what?

- Well, I work at the pound but we're full.

We continued eating. We have nearly finished when Mom turned out with an idea.

- You should do babysitting! I remember, your little cousins always were over the moon when they met you. What do you think, darling?

- I totally agree with you. If little children like her she should work with them. We should check the newspapers and make a piece of advertising... where the hell the news is? They are always on the place where they aren't needed! Here it is... hmm... Babysitter needed. Shall I call them?

- Of course - I hugged him.

The man told Peter that he wants to meet me in a small café near our neighborhood. Today he has no time but tomorrow we'll meet. Of course I'm not the only person for this job, so give my BEST! Yeah, I have a new possibility for work!

1st July, 2013.

It's Monday, today I'll meet the man called Tommy. It's the only thing I know about him and that he lives in Sundsvall.

At two o'clock I left to the place where I was meeting Tommy. In twenty minutes time I got there and I was waiting ten more minutes for him. He came with a new black Volvo. He parked the car and sat down outside. He was wearing red T-shirt and jeans. He asked for a Schweppes and for a Coca Cola. That was the sign that it'll be him. I went there.

- Excuse me, are you Tommy?

- Yes, I am. You must be the girl who came from Hungary and speaks no Swedish - he smiled.

- You're right. My name's Beatrix Szőke. Nice to meet you.

- Oh, nice name, what does your surname mean?

- Well, it means _blond_ in English.

- Okay, how old are you exactly?

- I became eighteen a month ago.

- Then happy birthday.

- Thanks - I smiled.

- Have you worked with children yet?

- Not yet, but I have small cousins.

- Do you usually play with them?

- I used to do when I lived in Hungary, of course. I loved those moments!

- Do you prefer boys or girls?

- I prefer boyish things and games but I have realized that they are more vain and shy than girls.

- What kind of music do you like?

- I like children's songs and cartoons...

- Really?

- Yes.

- But... what kind of music do you listen to when you for example go to school?

- Basely melodic metal.

- Do you know me?

- No.

He took a picture out of his wallet.

- Do you know this person?

- No, I haven't seen _this person_ ever.

- You got the job.

- Really? - I couldn't believe my ears.

- Yes.

- Oh, thank you! Can I hug you? - I asked shyly.

- Of course! Here's our address, tomorrow at half past eight I want to see you at the door.

- I'll be there, I promise!

I came home happily and when I got here I was shouting:

- Mom, Peter, I got the job!

_Yay, I got my pen back! I was missing it so much._

Turning back to my previous topic - they were happy to see me happy.

- Was he friendly? - Mom asked.

- Yes, and as I could see he was a rocker.

- Oh, was he?

- He's still.

- Where does he live? - Peter asked.

- Here - I gave him the paper.

- Ok, tomorrow morning I'll take you there but watch the way because later you'll go and come alone on foot. It's not too far.

So now I'm so happy! In some weeks I'll be able to buy the dress I'd love to! And I'll know some people from here...

2nd July, 2013.

I couldn't sleep at night so I decided to write something into my diary. Mainly that I couldn't sleep because I'm looking forward to go to Tommy's house.

It's six o'clock. Now I'm going for having a bath and then I'm going to eat something for breakfast.

OMG, they were so friendly! Both the child called Emily and her mother, Amalia. I got there twenty past eight. Tommy introduced me to everyone there included their parrot - it was cute but I can't remember its name. Maybe Yago... J

Emily couldn't speak English but as I was learning Swedish for a week at evening classes I could explain her easy words and I could use body-language too. We were playing all day and watched cartoons - with English subscribe for me.

Oh, I just loved this day! The parents came home at six o'clock. Emily was absolutely happy to see them but Tommy told me that she had enjoyed the time we spent together.

3rd July, 2013.

Today during my way to my "workplace" I met that unfriendly girl but she didn't realize me - that was my luck, because if she told me anything I would give her sg for she didn't say thanks.

I could play with the blondie much time. I was so happy about it! And now I know the parrot's name: its name's Sora-chan. But when I got home I didn't have any energy. I just write these things down bcoz I can't sleep until I share them.

2nd August, 2013.

Much time had been passed away from the time I wrote something into my _Dear Diary!_ Usually I got home late and just fell into my bed. But today Tommy has decided to send me home at two bcoz he wanted to spend some time with his daughters. He gave me some of my salary. It was a bit strange for me so I asked:

- Don't you want me to work here anymore?

- No, don't even think about this! Emily loves you as her elder sister! It just got into my ears that you want to buy a dress - and as I saw you'll need a pair of new boots too. So Amalia and I have decided to give you the money you need.

I have nearly hugged him when he continued:

- And we'll go on holiday next week and Amalia wants to spend some time with me. In this month we have known you as a lovely friendly and straight lady - _lady, I_ - and also Emily asked me for this, so...

Amalia just entered. She asked something from her husband and after his answer she turned to me:

- So we want to ask you to come with us to Hungary. You speak the language so you could translate...

I was on the verge of fainting and also over the moon.

_Of course I'll go!_

- We have decided to visit your country because of you. We haven't heard much about it before you came into our life but we became interested in. We don't know much about the people from there...

- But they seem to be very hospital and friendly based on you - smiled Amalia.

- They are told to be - I answered.

- So will you come? - Tommy asked.

- I have to talk about it with my Mom I think. I don't want her to worry about me but I think I will.

- Okay, we'll leave this Sunday. Just call me about your decision - Tommy said at the end.

I got home with an enormous smile on my face. Mom and Peter asked me about the topic of my happiness - they didn't have to tell me twice to tell them everything.

By some time I have known who Tommy Rehn was: a famous musician from the bands Corroded and Angtoria. I trusted him.

- So do you want to go? - Mom asked.

- Yes, I would love to!

- You're over eighteen, so you're adult, you have to decide about your businesses but take care of yourself.

- I will I promise! Anyway - I continued - have you found a job yet?

- No, but I'm working on it. Don't be afraid, darling.

- I'm not afraid, I just don't want to talk about myself all the time.

3rd August, 2013.

I went back to the shop I was a month ago. There were only one left of the dress I wanted to buy but that was my size and fitted me like gloves, so I bought it. Talking about gloves... I have found a pair of lace gloves, a corset and a pair of knee-high boots. The money that I received was enough to buy all of these.

But now I have to find all of my clothes I want to take with myself...

Oh, it's nine o'clock, and I haven't called Tommy yet!

OK, done. I'm happy and satisfied now. But thinking it over... I'm going home but I don't know where... ooo, I won't be stressed about it! Things will happen as they have to!

4th August, 2013.

Fortunately I got to the airport in time. We got on the plane and some hours later we landed in Budapest. My _beloved_ airport. I hate everything that connects me to my previous life. OK, I'm proud to be Hungarian, I'm just not proud of many other people's Hungarian existence. And now - I'm at home again.

On the plane I searched for a place where we could rent a car for a week. We went there by bus. Tommy wanted to speak to the man alone - he said he thinks that he won't need my help this time. The man told him a horrible price for renting a car - we could rent a car for that price in Sweden but when Tommy was about paying I began talking in Hungarian:

- Listen, I don't think that prices have been raised in a month time here...

He was standing in front of me and stared at me like he hadn't seen white man before.

- I... I'm terribly sorry, Miss, I... I didn't know... I... I just thought...

- That foreigners are for fucking them over? Nice.

He told me a lower price and we began our three-hours-long journey to Lake Balaton on motorway M7.

- Well, I'm terribly sorry for the incident. Some of my compatriots are just like this. Of course I'm not so proud of them...

- Don't worry, there are people in Sweden like him as well - Amalia answered.

- Oh, no, traffic jam - again - I hit my forehead and moved my palm down slowly. - The third in an hour time.

- Don't worry about it... - Tommy began saying.

- In Hungary there are much traffic jams, standing in queues... partly that's why we are so impatient... And without _this_ - I meant the traffic jam - we would be there now.

- Oh, really?

- Yes, and now we can be happy that we came in the late afternoon - the roads are stopped here between I think nine and six - because of the traffic of course.

We arrived to our hotel in peace and quiet and checked in at eight. We took the _sleeping beauty_ to her bed and I went to my own room to have a big sleep. I have to get up at eight next morning - I still have to look after her on our holiday too.

5th August, 2013.

I couldn't sleep so I have decided to write something here. It's just six o'clock and I'm awake now. Great.

I have checked for free WiFi and I could find! I took my sea blue netbook - named Arwen - with me so I have decided to make that new facebook account now. I uploaded those photos from my previous one which were newer and weren't connected to places and people. I also joined the groups I was in before - and where there were no people I have met, we just have had the same interests - and I added those "old" friends who I have never met but loved talking to.

But now I'm going for making a real person of myself and don't look like a zombie.

I've just realized that we're at the Golden Beach in one of the most expensive hotel! Google helped a lot! Ty! ;)

OMG, swimming all day with these wonderful girls is a very hard work to do! Respect goes for all who grows at least one child.

I talked with Mom some minutes ago on Skype and told her that I'm OK.

6th August, 2013.

I slept like a log at night. Nothing other interesting has happened so far.

Oh, no! Amalia has told me that school will begin in two weeks, on the 19th of August. We have been talked about school system and it's so... different. They go to primary school from the age 7 to 16 and secondary school isn't even compulsory! That's soo strange. So I'll go to a primary school's last class to be able to take final exams.

I've asked her about the school I'll frequent and she told me that it had been the best choice we were able to make. She told that she still knew somebody who had studied there. It's a bilingual school. I was pretty happy hearing it bcoz I... let's say didn't really spoke Swedish. We could say I spoke none.

7th August, 2013.

They've tasted some original Hungarian food like gulyás, fish soup and lángos (a type of pasta fried in oil spread with garlic and sour cream)... Emily for example didn't like garlic but ate everything - I mean food - we gave her so I calmed down that she isn't a vampire! J

9th August, 2013.

Yesterday I had no energy to write but today they had a family program with me to translate. We went to the "high" Balaton Uplands and visited a castle which isn't actually a real castle it's more a piece of remains. We could see some idiot Hungarians _playing_ with weapons. I somehow translated them. Then a man wanted to take me with him to try out one of the weapons - it was a part of the show - but I could explain him that I have to translate for this nice Swedish family.

Then we went to Tapolca to the Lake Cave. I've been here before so I told Emily not to be afraid of anything. While boating there I was chatting with Amalia and - I think - we became friends.

10th August, 2013.

It's our last day here, tomorrow morning we're leaving. We've planned swimming and sunbathing. The level of the lake was high so somebody always had to look after Emily - usually it was me.

Oh, heyo, I can hear she has just woken up. I think I'll have to take her to the beach after checking the level of sun milk on her body...

OOOOO! I'm so happy that we'll go home next day! I've met somebody - actually TWO people - who I didn't want... Here the story is: I took the girls down to the beach to their parents and I went for a walk on the promenade. I went back after some time and I was about reaching my second family - the _Rehns_ - when I heard a familiar voice saying _I love you._ I turned back:

- Ivor?

He was my ex. I was sure I had heard him. Then I saw him stupidly smiling at me, holding my best friend's, Tara's hand:

- He... hello - he began in Hungarian. - I haven't seen you so far...

I was about shouting but I could keep it for myself.

- Didn't you tell me that... you'll live in Sweden? - Tara asked. - What are you doing here? Have... have you lied to us?

I couldn't keep it inside anymore. It broke out from me:

- Who lies here? Because it's not me! Tara, you were my best friend! I told you everything! You knew how I felt when... when... And you?! I gave you my... everything! I gave you my heart, I gave you my VIRGINITY! And what do you do now? You fuck my... Argh! Go 'da HELL, guys!

I was nearly hitting them when Tommy appeared.

- Hey girl, calm down! - he saw that I was on the verge of crying so he continued. - Just come with me and tell me everything.

I followed him like a ghost. The whole beach was staring at me but I didn't really care. When we were far enough from those two he began:

- What happened? Oh, don't cry, please... - he hugged me. - Don't cry...

- He... he was my... my Love with... with capital letters, and... she was... my best friend. I... I knew... knew that... he had... cheated on me but... I... I hadn't thought... that she... was Tara...

- Shhh... no problem... they don't worth any tear... shhh...

Then and there he was like my father. I adored that he didn't want to do anything with them just told me that their damned life didn't worth ANYTHING. Especially crying. He could calm me down and finally I could turn back to that life of mine where there were no lies yet.

11th August, 2013.

In the morning I had some free time because I had packed my stuffs yesterday. I thought that it would be a great idea to call Mom on Skype. She was online.

- Hey, can you hear me?

- Yes, what about you?

- Same here - I laughed. - So, how are you?

- Fine, fine! But I'll be even better when you'll arrive home! When will you come?

- Today, if we're lucky - and I think we will be -, we'll catch the flight at 11.

- Yes, I think you'll, traffic is better back to Budapest than to Balaton...

- You're just right.

- Darling, I have to tell you something - she was chewing her bottom lip so she was nervous. - I'm pregnant.

- Oh, are you? - I asked a bit... shocked.

- Yes, isn't it... fantastic?

Somebody knocked at my door.

- Oh, I have to go now, bye! - I switched off my netbook as fast as I could.

Two hours later we were in a traffic jam - again, so we had no chance to reach the flight. And now we're at the airport waiting for our next plane. We'll get home late again.

Oh, no! Mom's at hospital, MOM'S AT HOSPITAL! I just got home and found Peter crying in the kitchen. I asked him about Mom but I couldn't get sufficient information. I didn't want to hear the silence so I turned the TV on. I added subscribe and was watching the news. I was nearly fallen asleep when the woman said:

- There were no survivals of the plane catastrophe which came from Budapest to Stockholm.

- What?

I could see the texts clearly at the bottom of the screen: Plane catastrophe on the way from Budapest to Stockholm. No survivals found.

I was staring at the screen. Peter came in that very moment and said:

- Anna thought that you were on that plane... and so have I. She had got shock and... she...

- Lost the baby... - I finished.

- She's in... hospital.

He couldn't say them clearly. Those facts were more that he could stand. He burst out in crying again. He told me that she's still alive but the doc's haven't decided if she could birth the baby or they'll need to operate it out. Big deal, too big deal to decide suddenly but they have to decide, and decide well as soon as possible or Mom can die...

12th August, 2013.

Today I had to go to work again. It was a really unusual day: Amalia had stayed at home. She said that she had to talk with somebody who's far away now and she'll have to later too. So she had decided to stay at home.

I was looking after Emily but I just couldn't really concentrate. I was praying God to save my mother's life.

- Trixie! - I saw a palm waving in front of my face. - Are you OK? - Amalia asked.

- Yeah, yeah, I am...

- Then what's wrong?

- Hhh - I sighed. - Could we speak about it somewhere where she can't hear us?

- Yes, of course. Go to the kitchen, I'll follow you in a minute.

She had asked something from her daughter and later I could hear the music of Cinderella. I sat down near the table and so did she.

- So, What happened?

- Did you watch the news yesterday?

- Yes.

- Then you can remember there was a piece of news about a plane catastrophe.

- It was the flight we missed.

- Yes. My mother thought we were on that plane. She was pregnant.

- What do you mean by _was_?

- She had lost the baby. Now she's at hospital between life and death.

- Oh, I sympathize with you. I don't know what would I do if my Mom was in such situation... would you like to visit her?

- We'll, go today after work with Peter. But thanks.

- You're welcome.

At six Peter and I were standing next to mom's bed. She couldn't say anything. She was asleep.

- Mom - I began in Hungarian. I thought if she hears me speaking the language she had thought me she'll be better. - I'm here and I'm fine. I hope sooner you'll be so. I love you.

When we got home I wrote these down and... now I think I'll fall into my bed and cry until I'll fall asleep.

13th August, 2013.

Today Mom had the operation. As she was over 45 she had to stay in the hospital. After work I went there as quickly as I could. I wanted to see her face, I wanted her to tell me that everything will be okay.

- I'm sorry, dear... - she looked at me with pain in her eyes. - I'm really sorry.

- No, Mom I have to apologize. I wasn't at home when you needed me. I...I'm sorry - I cried.

- Shh... no problem - she whispered. Enjoy life, don't take notice about my weakness. Peter's enough to do that. I want you to shine - she inhaled - like a star and tell me things that make me more and more cheerful. I want you to shine, honey...

- I promise I will...

- Khm... - a nurse cleaned her throat. - Madam, you should leave her alone.

- Okay, I'm going... I love you - I kissed her on forehead. - See you soon.

She didn't say anything just waved.

I got home as late as I have never ever before. I have lost in the town and my phone's fucking battery has reached an incredibly low level so it switched off. I had no money with me even to use a street phone, I couldn't check my map on my mobile and I didn't meet anyone on the street. Luckily - after an hour hopeless walking - I met a guy who I'm sure wasn't older than me and I asked him where the street I has been living in was.

- My god, girl, you're damned lost.

- I know; you don't have to remind me.

He ignored my words and continued like I hadn't said anything:

- You have to turn back and follow this street until you reach the pedestrian street. Then turn right and turn left at the second corner but... you know what? I'm going to the pedestrian street so we could go together.

I wasn't sure it would be a great idea bcoz I didn't even know him but as I saw - and I always see these things well - he was a kinda rocker and I trusted rockers more that other types of people - mainly because I was so.

We were talking all way long and when we reached the pedestrian street he hugged me and made me promise I'll add him on facebook. My first friend here! J Just friend, yes, he went to visit his girlfriend. But I'm so happy to know somebody here from my age...

14th August, 2013.

Tomorrow would have been the wedding's day but there won't be a wedding but a funeral. Yes, she had died at the hospital at night. Her nerves couldn't get over of losing her son - again.

After work I told Tommy that I want to leave earlier tomorrow. It wasn't a problem for him, he told me that if time comes just call Amalia and tell her to come home.

16th August, 2013.

It's nine in the morning and I can't sleep more. We had mom's funeral yesterday. She was a Swedish citizen so she could have a funeral in Sweden. The funeral... it was... awful. I couldn't understand anything and her grave looked awful - I'm sure she would have liked it. Our taste was so different. I was black and white and a bit boyish while she was colorful and pretty. But we loved each other as no one else.

My God! My God! My God! In the afternoon I went jogging and Peter went somewhere with his friends and came home just late at night - drunken. He began touching me so I escaped to the town. I had no idea where to go, I was hungry and exhausted, school was about to start and I had no place to live... The first - any only - idea that came into my mind at midnight in training clothes was to visit the only person that I knew where lived and ask for a night spent in his house. So I hurried there and knocked at the door. I looked like a beggar. The door opened in a minute:

- Yes? - the half-asleep Amalia asked.

- Hello... - I didn't try to smile.

- Oh, is it you? - she asked with a surprised face.

- Could... - I looked deeply in her eyes while fighting with my tears. - Could I stay here for a night?

- Of course. Come in.

We went to the kitchen and she offered me some cocoa.

- So, what happened?

I told her everything sometimes holding a crying brake.

- The last thing she told me was that_ I_ _want you to shine, honey... _Can you imagine? - I asked not really from her but from myself instead.

- Don't you want to move back to Hungary? Don't misunderstand me, I love what you do with my children and I love your character just... that was I think the most logical.

- I've already figured that out but I just don't want to go to a place where my life is based on a lie. I thought that I was living in a loving family but Mom had a desire for her school-love.

- So you have decided to stay in Sweden? I appreciate you.

-Thanks. Yes but I don't know how to do. I'll have to find a flat too. I don't want to live with that drunk animal more.

- Hmm... Tomorrow I'll ask Tommy about something. But now come with me to the spare room. And you should have a shower too.

- Hh - I sighed. - Thanks for everything.

17th August, 2013.

I wrote the second part of the happenings of yesterday on this day. You won't figure out what happened! No, because you're just a diary.

I woke up at about seven. I couldn't sleep more because my phone alarm rang. _Thanks God_... So I woke up and - after going to the toilet - I went to the kitchen. The whole family was there. They were having a discussion. I cleaned my throat.

- Good morning...

- Hey, good morning, sit down here! - offered Tommy.

- Thanks...

- Do you want some bread for breakfast? Some butter? Cheese?

- Thank you but...

- You can accept, no... you have to accept! Just eat. You'll need some energy today too.

After having a brilliant breakfast Emily went for getting dressed. I wanted to offer doing the dishes but they rejected.

- Beatrix, I want to offer you something that I have never offered anyone - Tommy looked deeply in my eyes that frustrated me a bit. - Partly because my friends had enough money and weren't women.

- What would you...?

- I want to offer you to live in this house until you can afford an own one.

I couldn't say anything else just _eer_. I couldn't believe that it happens with me. A rockstar offers me to live in his house.

- So would you like to? In this case you'd become Emily's au pair.

- How could I refuse? Oh, my God, I can't believe that it happens with me!

They smiled and told me to call Peter to tell him that I'm moving. It was Saturday so they were at home whole day. On Saturdays I usually didn't work. We packed all of my stuff as before moving to Sweden and came here. The girls were the happiest about my moving.

And now I'm here in a room which became mine.

19th August, 2013.

Today was the first day of school where - of course - I couldn't go because of my other responsibilities. It was just a ceremony of the new school-year's beginning. I prefer the school-end ceremonies...

20th August, 2013.

This was my first day at a Swedish school. It would have been pretty cool if that boor girl - named Ellie - wasn't in my class. First I had to go to the director and ask her for my timetable. She gave me and I went to my first lesson: Literature. As I've already written down: I don't have to take exams of Literature, History and Grammar but I have to go to classes to study them.

As I stepped into the classroom every eye was looking at me and I realized - _her_.

- Class, she's our new classmate who came from Hungary - the teacher said. - Go and take a seat somewhere.

I went to the rocker part of the class and sat down. During my way I went past her and I could hear her telling her _friends_: _The gay just went away and a Goth comes to his place_; but I didn't really care what she thinks about me. I sat down at a free seat.

- Khm - the teacher cleaned her throat. - As you sat down you should get up and tell some things about yourself.

I sighed long while getting up.

- Hi everyone, my name is Beatrix and I came from Hungary as you have heard. I'm eighteen years old. I speak neither Swedish nor any Celtic languages except English. I prefer arts and social studies to scientific studies. As you can see I'm a Metallian. If you're interested in anything else just ask me after classes. Thanks for the possibility to talk - I sat down. Yeah, nowadays I became more and more phlegm - thanks to people who ruined my life.

I realized that the guy who helped me some days ago to get home was in the class too. His name was Eric anyway. After classes he introduced me to his friends and to his girlfriend. They were pretty friendly and I offered them a beer. Eric and Carina came but the others went home. After having our beers in a pub we went home too but I picked Emily up before; who told me her day at nursery - she was so cute! I'm getting better and better in Swedish but I don't think that any day I would be able to say anything in Swedish, I'm better at listening yet.

21st August, 2013.

Today I've recognized that there were much Hungarians in my class. Most of them were with the populars but some were rockers as me. After classes they invited me for having a drink. I was happy hearing some Hungarian voices. One of them was especially kind to me: Norbert. He wasn't our classmate, he was studying IT in a secondary school. But he was Hungarian (his father, his mother was Swedish), and we could get on well. When I had to go - in the middle of our chat - I gave him my phone number. He's the first non-family-member who knew my number before my Skype or my fb.

After I took the girls home and we had finished our homework my phone began rang. I answered:

- Yea? Who's that?

- Hi, I'm Norbi - he answered in Hungarian.

- Oh, hello! Wassup?

- Nothing much I just wanted to ask for your facebook name 'coz I couldn't find any Beatrix Szőke who lives in Sweden.

- Ooo, I'm up there named Miya Tsuki! You know I didn't want my old acquaintances to stay in touch with me.

- Oh, thanks! I'll add you soon and we can continue chatting there, OK?

- Right, bye!

- Bye - he hung up.

I switched my netbook on immediately and I found a friend request sent by him. I accepted ad we began talking about useless things and in the end we agreed that on Saturday we'll meet each other. I didn't have much time earlier.

24th August, 2013.

I think if nothing interesting happens I won't write anything here. But today it has happened. So: Norbi and I met in his favorite pub. Some others were there too so we had such a big company. Later, when Norbi ordered me the third beer I figured it out that he wants it to be a date, you know, a rendezvous. He was nice and cute but I haven't been interested in him so far. He is too a macho type for me I think. He saw me home because he didn't want me to get lost - he has already heard my story about getting lost from Eric. Thank you, thank you. I didn't really want to show him where do I live - that would show where my new family lives. So when we reached the corner of the street I stopped.

- So, it's time to part from each other...

- Do you know which house to enter? - he smiled, came closer and took me by my waist.

- Listen, you're cute and everything but...

- Yes? - his face came closer too. I knew what he wants.

- Wait, wait, I don't think I'm ready for this - I took his hands apart from my body.

- All right, then... bye - he kissed me on my cheek.

At home I fell into my bed and fell asleep. We met at the pub at six and we were there more than four hours, I'm sure. I had a key for the house so it wasn't a problem if I got home late.

26th August, 2013.

At school I hurried to Eric; he was amazed of my behavior but I could explain with a single sentence.

- Have you had a clue that he wants something from me?

- Who and what are you talking about?

- Norbi! You remember, we went to the Strong two days ago together! Don't look at me like this, you were there too!

- Oh, oooohh! I can remember! I don't know.

- What?

He laughed a short before he explained:

- I mean I didn't know he wants anything from you until you have came here and asked.

- Oh, have I scared you?

- No, no, you just came with so big voice that I couldn't do anything with.

After classes I just went home and chatted with an old friend from Hungary. I couldn't stand banning him from my life. His real name's Botond but we usually call him Duncan or just D.

[Me] Hi, wassup?

[D] Nothing much! Girl, we haven't talked for a long-long time, what happened to you?

[Me] As I've already told you now I live in Sweden. And I work! Can you imagine?

[D] OMG, that's cool! And what?

[Me] I work as an au pair, my _family_ is... well, have you ever heard of Corroded?

[D] No, what's that?

[Me] A Swedish rock band. And I work for its guitarist.

[D] My God, girl, you're damned lucky! Does he have a nice son, maybe...? ^_^

[Me] No, or at least I haven't met him. I work with a blond girl!

[D] How can you stand her?

[Me] You know I love children... J

[D] Yeah... sorry, I have to go, be good! Kiss ;)

[Me] Bye, kiss to you and your girlfriend!

[D] Well, we're not together anymore.

[Me] Oh, what happened?

[D] It just dried out like a stream. But now I really have to go! Bye!

27th August, 2013.

Carina asked me to join her after school. She wanted to buy a tee for herself and none of her friends had time. It was a surprise for Eric and also - as being a male - he couldn't wait as long as he would have had to. And Carina also liked the way I dressed. I told her that I'll have to go at last at four for picking Emily up. She was a bit disappointed but she accepted.

At the first shop she had found the one she wanted to - after half an hour trying and _Do I really need this?_ - and she had bought it. She offered to come with me to Emily's nursery school but I ignored. I knew that it wouldn't be good if somebody could figure out who I work for.

13th September, 2013.

It's Friday the thirteenth and I'm really interested in what will happen today. I'm not superstitious I'm just curious. But it's time to get up now so I think I'll write something in the evening next 'coz Norbi has asked me to join him when I'm finished at home and I just can't figure out what on Earth he wants. And also sorry for being so lazy that I haven't written anything for two and a half weeks but either I was with friends or at home but the substance's that I didn't have time.

He did it! He DID it! HE DID IT! You may ask: who and what? I'm telling you: we went to a cinema and watched a scary movie that I can't remember - partly because I hate horror and thriller and partly because I didn't concentrate on the _film_ - then we ate at the Mc Donald's. He was flirting with me all the time but I didn't regret 'coz I liked him too. Later we went to a playground and swung for some time. It was late at night so he offered to take me home with his new car. I made him to stop at a park because its fountain was beautiful in the evening. We sat down near and watched its beautifulness. Not much later he touched my hand. We looked at each other's eyes and wanted the same. Yeah, I know three weeks ago I wrote that I'm not interested in him but he behaved like a puppy with me so I couldn't say _Go away and don't try to contact me anymore._ so simply and I also didn't want to. When he got really near to me he asked me a question after a short and confused laughter:

- I know you'll think I'm a fuckin' idiot but I have to ask you before I could kiss you because its importance will depend on your answer: would you like to be my girlfriend?

I couldn't say anything understandable.

- So no? I can understand you, you just came here some months ago and don't really know me but...

- Yes.

- What?

- My answer's yes. I would like to be your girlfriend. I have to face my feelings.

For some seconds we smiled to each other and then he kissed me. It was fast and strong - as I enjoy it.

After watching the fountain for some more minutes he took me home. He kissed me again at the corner - I didn't let him closer to the house - and then gone. I stepped into the house with a huge smile. The family was having dinner so I joined them but I smiled more than I ate.

I think Friday the thirteenth will be my fortune day from now.

21st September, 2013.

Today Norbi took me to one of his friends - they wanted to know his girlfriend who's told to be beautiful and clever. They were having much vodka which I hate but I drank some vodka-orange which is a bit better. They helped me a lot to understand drunk-Swedish.

23rd October, 2013.

It's a national feast in Hungary, a remembrance-day for those who had died in the revolution in 1956. I was a bit more Hungarian today than I usually did.

Anyway, sorry for not writing, I broke my promise for writing nearly each day the third time I guess.

I rediscovered some of my old beloved bands: Tokio Hotel, Cinema Bizarre and Nevada Tan. Okay, I used to love those Germans much in the past! ^_^ The "new" TH album called _Humanoid_ is a great hole of SHIT.

On the other hand I'm looking forward to The Hobbit! ^_^

26th October, 2013.

We had a party at Andy's house (the guy who we had visited a month ago). My military bag (which was used by warriors carrying their gasmask) had nearly lost when we went to a concert and I had to look after the others' stuff.

27th October, 2013.

I'm loving Norbi more and more! He took me to his parents and HE cooked! It was, _hmm_, delicious! His parents were kinda friendly. His mother's a nurse and his father's a doctor.

2nd November, 2013.

It's All Saints Day today in Sweden. Andy, Norbi and I went to a rock concert and it took me half an hour to realize that that was THAT concert Tommy had talked about for months! I wanted to be anywhere else even on a thump-thump party but not there. I wished myself and Norbi to the Hell but it didn't happen. I realized Amalia and Emily at the backstage. I wanted to faint. When Norbi looked at me he asked if I needed another drink but Andy could see that I felt horrible so he held my shoulder and went ouside. He asked me if I needed a taxi but I told him that I can call one for myself.

- No, you can't even speak Swedish! - he resisted. - I'll call one for you and I'll stay here until you get in, 'kay?

- Of course - I looked at him surrendered. I knew that I can't go home and I also can't survive here. While he was asking for a taxi which's chauffeur could speak English I was thinking of how I could solve the problem but I couldn't figure out anything useful or at least useable.

The taxi reached us and I got in. Andy gave me some money and he went back in.

- So where should I take you? - the driver asked.

- Well... nowhere. Here's the money thank you for coming! - I gabbled and I got off. He was looking at me like people usually look at idiots and went away but I _had_ a plan. It was night and cold and I was wearing just a hoodie so I called Amalia immediately.

- Yes? - she answered for my third call.

- Hi, I'm just right here where your partner gives a concert. Could you somehow let me in?

- Of course just wait a minute - she hung up.

Ten minutes later a gorilla came with her. He gave me a V.I.P.-pass and we went to the backstage together.

- Are you fine? - she asked when we got in. - Aren't you cold?

- No, I'm not cold, everything's okay - I lied. I was a bit cold maybe I caught it too and my boyfriend was a dick to me.

- How could you get here? Didn't you tell me this morning that you'll hang out with your friends?

- Yeah, but we ended up here! You know _sneeze_ I don't want them to know I'm working for you. Better for you because your home's location isn't widely known and better for me because they like me for who I am.

- Right. So you planned to stay here?

- Just as you say it. Oh, are you sleepy? Come here, Emily and sleep here, OK? - I asked the last sentence in Swedish. Amalia looked at me suddenly.

- Did you...? - Amalia asked.

- What if I could say a sentence in Swedish? I was thinking of it for a minute - I laughed.

- It's like being with... - I couldn't understand the last word Emily told her mother but she looked at me sadly and sighed a long. I couldn't do anything with so I lifted my shoulders, smiled and hug Emily.

We got home really late and we fell into bed. I'm writing all next morning.

3rd November, 2013.

Norbi called me to argue about my disappearance yesterday. I told him that Andy called a taxi for me and I came home in peace and quiet. Of course I didn't mention that two hours had passed between the two activities and I caught cold too. He made me promise that I won't disappear without telling him anymore.

He couldn't remember that I wasn't fine. I have an idea that he sometimes smokes funny-cigarettes. I know this type I had done it at my sixteenth birthday but it was enough for my whole life.

21st November, 2013.

I was right when I thought he smokes weed. I told him to choose between that and me and he told me that he'll stop smoking that. I really hope so because I don't want to lose him because of an idiot drug.

6th December, 2013.

We broke up. I found him at his home smoking weed. And he also offered me some! I was fed up with him and asked for his mobile to delete my number from it just as I did with his. Then I went home and ate chocolate and ice-cream and watched "Shakespeare In Love". I couldn't find any other clearly romantic film on my netbook. When I had finished somebody knocked at my door.

- Yeah, anyone's that, just come in! - I yelled.

- Hi - stepped Amalia in. - What are you doing?

- Awh, is it you? I was watching a film but I'm ready yet. Why?

- Well I just wanted to tell you that it's snowing outside and you should come out with us.

- Okay, I'm getting dressed in a minute!

I dressed up warmly and went out. It was the first snow in this winter. It came late.

We were playing in the snow for two hours bathing poor Tommy and I got a part of it too. I hope I won't catch cold again. It wouldn't be funny.

7th December, 2013.

Of course I caught cold! What else could have happened?! I can be happy that I like every kind of tea 'cause I drink it (Saga lemon-menthol 3) about ten times a day. But I'm really tired now so I'm going for having a dinner and I'm going to bed after.

8th December, 2013.

Still ill and today I had temperature too. I'm happy that I hadn't infected the family yet.

9th December, 2013.

Emily's looking forward something - I guess Christmas.

I discovered a new song today: Stratovarius - Forever. It's so emotional and a bit forsaken. D had shown it me - we were video-chatting for an hour. Then - when he heard how bad I cough - he sent me to bed anyhow I explained him how much I practiced coughing before.

13th December, 2013.

Better today! I could stand an hour without coughing and blowing my nose. I hate doing that - I'm allergic! They also allowed me to cook some food for myself. I made some semolina-pudding and I put some lingonberry-jam into. It was so delicious that I had to share on fb... ^_^

It was Saint Lucia's day today and Emily dressed like her. She was so cute. ^_^

16th December, 2013.

- We have to tell her!

- But not yet! It wouldn't be good for her, because...

Today I could hear Tommy's and Amalia's debate of telling somebody something. Of course as they spoke Swedish I couldn't understand much. I don't know who they have talked about but I hope it's not me because - as I've already written down - I hate living in lies.

19th December, 2013.

I met Ellie today while shopping some Christmas-present for my family. I bought just some décor-stuff for the adults and a pink plush bear for Emily with her name written onto. I have bought a reindeer for myself and named it Kevin. Now he's my best friend and I also sleep with him.

20th December, 2013.

OMG, Tommy had told me that tomorrow a family-member would come from Japan for spending Christmas with them. His name's Kevin - as my reindeer! - and he's one month younger than me. He asked me to go to the airport and wait for his flight's landing there with a board written _Kevin_ with pink onto. I couldn't really say anything for pink, I thought that maybe it could help to discover it because there aren't usually men name written onto boards with pink.

I got a big pasteboard and I looked after some highlighters and some colored pencils. I wrote his name onto the paper with pink highlighter, bordered the letters with blue one (and bordered the lane with black), bordered the paper with blue dots and waves; and draw a manga-panda eating some bamboo on the left and a Christmas-tree with presents on the right.

21st December, 2013.

I had shown my art to the family. They adored that I had drawn something onto - it's not so simple and boring.

His flight will land at eight pm. so I had time for getting ready for the meeting.

I was video-chatting with D and he told me something interesting. But I want to start it at the beginning...

- Hi, how are you? - he asked when he saw my face on the screen.

- Fine, what about you?

- Same here - he laughed. - So, what has happened to you so far? Any men, maybe...?

- Oh, don't even mention me them!

- But why? It was just an innocent question.

- Okay, listen... - I told him everything about Norbi and then I added: - And now I have to take one here from the airport. He's kinda family member. But I haven't even seen him!

- Oh, then how will you recognize him?

- I made - I lifted the paper to show it to the camera - this.

- ...Pink? - he asked confused.

- Yeah, Tommy had told me but I really don't know why - I sighed. - I miss my old life a bit where I always knew what happened to why.

- Listen, you can always come back.

- But I... I can't leave them and my work here! I have to take responsibility for my actions.

- Okay. I have to go now so I'm leaving you now alone but you always have to know that I'm there for you - he hung up.

I didn't really had time to think things over - I just wrote them down because in ten minutes from now I hopefully will sit in a taxi.


	2. Extra - Men Who Hate Women

Men Who Hate Women

The guys have just finished with practicing their new song _Shivering_ and they were sitting on the ground.

- Ah, some more songs like this and we'll be famous world-widely - Jenziih said as he lay on the ground.

- And you can make Yohio's hair before every concert - Seike said as glancing at his girlish friend. Yohio looked back at him shyly. He somehow felt uncertain near him - his eyes always fell on Seike's lips but in these moments he always brought himself under control and glanced back at his eyes. He felt a bit upset because at the beginnings Seike did his hair and later he handed this activity over to Jenziih.

- Well, I like dealing with that - Jenziih said. - You know I always hang out near my hairdresser mother.

Silence broke out as he closed his mouth.

- Okay, guys, don't we wanna go home? - Ray asked and the others agreed. Linder helped him to get up. They picked their stuffs up and Yohio took them to the door. Suddenly - he didn't know why - he softly touched Seike's arm.

- Er, yes? - he looked back at him.

- Seike - Yohio began - don't you wanna stay?

- Well, Mom and Dad aren't at home now... but I'd better to call my brother - he answered and picked his phone out. He dialed a number and waited. - Hi, listen... oh, so you'll stay with your girlfriend? ... Food is in the fridge? ... Ookay see you tomorrow! - he hung up. - I can stay.

- Yaay - Yohio said confused. He didn't know why he had asked Seike to stay. He somehow attracted him while he repelled him as well.

- But I should go home to get some sleepwear and clothes too - Seike added.

- We can take you home if you wish - Yohio said. His gaze fell on the singer's lips as he said the word _home_. He didn't want him to leave this place. He didn't want anyone to be with them. He just wanted to... - N... no... I'm not... - he murmured to himself with down-bowed head. He couldn't accept yet that he was...

- What aren't you? - his friend asked while rising Yohio's face.

- Nothing, it's just nothing - the blond said as he left the room. - Seike, come, please! How could we take you home if you're staying here? - he asked laughing. The black-haired guy followed him but kept some distance.

As they got home again Yohio fell onto his bed. Seike sat down near him.

- What should we do? - the guitarist asked. He really had no idea, or...

- We should order some pizza and call some girls to strip-tease or watch porn - the other one said.

- Awh, you and porn always - Yohio threw a pillow on Seike's head. - Why can't you understand that I hate that, I prefer romance?

- You are so feminine! Hmm, if you didn't have a dick I'd fuck you - Seike laughed.

- We should order that pizza...

- And buy vodka - Seike added.

Yohio sighed before continuing:

- And buy some vodka then watch a film.

- Not porn.

- No, not porn. A romantic fantasy, for example... Stardust!

- But that's soo girlish - Seike cried.

- Hey, I'm going to buy you vodka so you must accept my choice!

- Ahh, okay! Shall we go and buy that stuff?

- First I'm ordering the food. I know a place where they make heavenly pizza but delivering takes them a whole life so we'll have time to do the shopping.

He ordered a big Mexican-pizza and they put their shoes on as to go to the grocery nearby. Seike had no idea how will his friend get the alcoholic liquid but he trusted him. They have nearly reached the shop when an idea slipped into his mind: _Maybe Yoho will play his girlself and make the shop-assistant give him the drink? Or what? I'd love seeing him..._

- Here we are - the blonde boy's voice broke his friend's thoughts. They stepped in and Yohio went to the shop-assistant. - Hi, Jonas, what's up?

- Hey, Kevin, how are you? Which wind has blown you here? - the man asked.

- I think the southern - Yohio laughed. - Listen, I'd need some... - he said more quietly.

- Cigarette again, right? Guy, I've already warned you several times that my sister will recognize it sooner or later - the man said with the pack in his hand.

- Oh, no, I'd buy vodka instead. I promised my friend to do - he said.

- Man, you're taking me to graveyard - Jonas said as he held the bottle. - But it's the last time I'm giving you something alcoholic 'til you're not eighteen.

- Okay, okay, here you are - Yohio gave the man the price by holding the bottle. He smiled back at his black-haired friend and they went out of the building...

- Don't you tell me that my love is not enough - Yohio drank from the bottle.

- Don't you tell me that my heart is not enough - Seike continued by drinking.

- To be with - Yohio drank and sang with Seike - you!

- Can't you see that I am dying here inside?

- Can't you ever seen that I have lost my mind?

- Because of - the two guys sang together - you!

- Goodbye - Yohio sang.

- I'm shivering!

They lay back as they sang the last two words. They were drunker than they have expected. The film was over and they have eaten all the pizza yet. They glanced at each other and began laughing.

- Don't you tell me you can't live without me now... - Yohio sang quietly. - Don't you tell me 'cause you didn't... even try - he sighed - to be with me...

- Man, I love this song - Seike sat up and drank the rest of the transparent liquid.

- Hey, I wanted the rest - Yohio continued his friend's movement. - Ah, but who cares I'm so drunk without that too - he lay back while laughing.

- Now it's time to order some girls to strip-tease.

- I want no women here. I just want to be with my best friend.

- Oh. - The singer couldn't say anything else. He felt a bit...

- What's that, guy? - Yohio asked.

- It just surprised me that you think of me as your best friend - Seike lay back to the bed. - You know, I - he sighed - never really had friends...

- Man, you try to slip into my character?

- Yeah, I guess so - he got the answer he has expected.

- 'Cause I was the one who had just a few friends and who had to bear other's mockery. You were popular and the bully itself! Every girl fell head over heels when they could see you! Ah, fuck, you had a damned perfect life!

- Yeah, a damned perfect life... - Seike thought of it. He really had had a good life as he had now too but he still needed something more. Or someone...

- Please, tell me again the story of your first girlfriend - Yohio asked him.

- No, it's so... childish...

- Pleeeeeease - Yohio looked at him with puppy-eyes.

- Ah, okay, be happy... - Seike accepted the request.

- Thank you, bestie - the guitarist hugged him.

- Hey, man, you're doing so girlish! - Seike pushed him away from himself.

- I just wanted to show you that I love you. - As he realized what he has just said he added - As a friend, of course.

- So, here the story is...

- I just can't figure out how it feels - the blonde one said.

- What? - his friend asked. He knew that one day Yohio held a girl's hand and she gave him a peck. It was the only story the guitarist had about boy-girl relationship. He began playing the guitar to be more popular among girls.

- To kiss someone... a girl... to hold her by her waist... - he wondered.

- It's really-really wet - Seike said. Now he knew what he wanted but he didn't tell it to his friend. He wanted him to say it. - But it's one of the best feelings of the world.

- Better than lifting your newly-born sister and see that she laughs at you? - Yohio asked. It was by far the best moment of his life.

- Better I guess but you know I'm the youngest in my family...

- I want to try it out - Yohio looked at Seike seriously.

The singer smiled inside but he didn't let his friend to see his happiness.

- Shall I call a girl for you? - Seike asked but secretly he knew the answer.

- You don't have to... - Yohio drew himself up to Seike's face. They were looking at each other's eyes but they couldn't figure anything out of each other's gaze.

- I love you - Seike said. Yohio couldn't really say anything for this. He felt somehow similar but he thought that it's just a joke, that Seike's just pulling his leg but it got into his mind that _drunken person - honest person_ so he was sure of his friend's seriousness.

- I love you too - he said finally and his lips touched Seike's. He could smell alcohol on his breath but he didn't care - he was drunk too.

Seike's tongue softly slipped into the guitarist's mouth and they began their bottle of kisses. Yohio held Seike by his waist and tried to get above him. In this moment the singer realized that he plays the role of the girl and his proudest didn't let him to do it, because _it was enough for children's day_ so he changed the situation: he tenderly touched Yohio's face and climbed above him by holding him by his waist...

Half a year have been passed away since Yohio got his first kiss but its memory still lived in him vividly. He couldn't go to bed or get up without thinking of it but every day if felt him somehow else. At the beginnings he enjoyed thinking of it, he enjoyed every single kiss he gave him but with time he became more and more adult and he could see clearly. He sometimes wondered of the cause why he kissed Seike - maybe it was alcohol which spoke from him or that he felt safer with him than with anyone else? Who knows? The essence was that they were together for half a year now and he wanted to give him some present. _Maybe his virginity..._

- Oh, hi, Linder, what's up? - he opened the door of his hotel-room.

- I wanted to... to speak with you about something really important - his friend said and Yohio let him in. - It'll have an impact on the band's future.

- What are you talking about? - the guitarist asked a bit uncomprehendingly.

- You... - the black-haired guy said - You two just can't continue.

Yohio stared at the drummer. He couldn't find the cause why Linder said this.

- In every practice, before every concert we hear you dealing with your personal problems. Then we see you kissing passionately and man, we can't bear this anymore! We always think of that if that day you stopped us... sorry, you know that we accept that you are homosexual but we just can't get ourselves to imagine that we could be that too. And when you were in anger with each other we didn't practice for weeks - until you two made it out. It's everything but is good neither for the band nor for you. And I say it now in Jenziih's and Ray's name too as a friend not as a band-member - he stood up and went out of the room. Yohio couldn't react. Somehow he knew that it wouldn't work for much time hut he hoped so and hearing what the other three guys thought... He knew that they couldn't continue like this they had to concentrate on music because that was the only thing they were good at.

"Seike, could you please come to my room? Yohio"

- Here I am - the singer stormed into Yohio's room without a single sign.

- Hi - the blond said dryly.

- What happened to my Cloudberry that he's so grief-stricken? You know it's our anniversary! - Seike smiled and tried to kiss his partner but he didn't let him to do.

- Listen, we - Yohio sighed - just should make it end.

- What are you talking about?

- I want to break up with you, Seike. Our arguments and our whole relationship just aren't good for the band, can't you see? - Yohio asked with tearful eyes as he glanced at his love.

- Do you think that it will be better if we are exes? - Seike yelled after he had understood what the other one has just said. - Do you think that everything will be perfect after breaking up? Or that we won't have feelings for each other?!

Yohio didn't answer just looked seriously at Seike who continued:

- I can't do it like this. I'm exiting Seremedy.

- W... wait, man, are you serious? - Yohio asked.

- Yeah, I'm serious. You can sing. I won't continue it with you.

- And I won't continue it without you - Yohio stood up and went out of the room to find a place where he could get all these off his chest.

Big raindrops washed the ground of the small park where Yohio was sitting on a bench. It was eight in the evening - he had been sitting here for more than an hour waiting for Seike seeking him - and he'd got soaking wet. His face was wet as well but his skin dried out because he was crying since he left the hotel-room.

_So, here we are. Yeah, I broke up with him and he was right: the band can't continue. It's just a simple sentence and it can change many things: I want to break up with you. So is it how love feels when it ends? Then I don't want to be in love again as not to lose anyone again..._


	3. 2 - Provoked Princesses

Chapter Two: Provoked Princesses

22nd December, 2013.

How could I explain our first meeting better than writing down every single moment carefully?

I put on my leatherette trousers, my steeled boots and my leatherette jacket to take the mysterious Kevin home - who had my reindeer's name.

It was snowing heavily outside so I was happy to have a plastic folder for the sign. It took me three minutes to reach the corner - which usually takes me one but the wind was blowing against me.

Then I got there, waited ten fucking minutes for the taxi and got into - the driver was the man who finally hadn't take me home after the concert. _OK_ - I said myself -_, I can do this._

- Good evening, mister! - I smiled at him.

- Good evening. Where should I take you? - he asked.

- To the airport, please.

They ARE really allergic to that small _please_ word: if you don't insert it they're taking you there on a longer way.

- It's such a windy day, isn't it? - he asked.

- Yes, it is. And cold too.

- Aren't you afraid of catching cold?

- Well, I caught cold this year first time when I was on a concert and one of my friends wanted to send me home by taxi - he looked at me scared but I didn't take care of it -, and second time when the first snow fell down. I don't think I would be lucky enough to catch it again.

- Eer... And where are you traveling? Far away?

- Oh... ooh, no! - I laughed. - I'm taking... somebody home from there.

- Oh, I see.

We got there at ten to eight. I paid, held my folder and got off the taxi.

- If you accept an advice - he said - let me go now and ask for another taxi going home. Maybe the flight will late because of this weather.

- Okay... thank you for coming and have a nice day! - I smiled.

He didn't say anything just gone away. I went into the building. It was the flight from Stockholm that took him here.

After waiting half an hour in the nearly empty waiting-hall I went to the information to ask for some - information.

- Uhm... Excuse me, miss! - I asked a real porcelain-doll.

- Yeah? - she asked while chewing her bubble-gum. It was so repulsive.

- Could you please help me by telling if the plain from Stockholm - which had to be here at eight - has arrived yet?

- Er, once again, please? - she asked with strong accent.

- There's a plane from Stockholm which had to arrive here at eight. Got it?

- Yeah, and?

- Has it arrived yet?

- Well, not yet, but... I'm phoning Stockholm, 'kay?

- Awh, thanks.

She dialed a number and talked for ten minutes. If she had talked one minute more she would have driven me insane.

- It hadn't taken off yet but it will as soon as the storm calms down.

- And what should I do until then? - I asked.

- You should have a coffee or take a nap. It can take weather two or three more hours.

- Okay, thanks - I left her. I could afford a crème-chocolate and a tuna-sandwich.

_I hate fish._

Later when I couldn't do anything called Tommy to tell him that the flight is being late because of the weather. He said okay and told me to stay there until it lands. I couldn't say no - he was my boss!

Then I fell asleep and I woke up for somebody trying to make me awake.

- Awh, what's the time? - I asked in Hungarian.

- Pardon? - a female voice asked.

_So it was the porcelain-doll._

- What's the time - I asked again but now in English.

- It's six in the morning - her accented voice answered. - Your flight lands in ten minutes. And no, nobody had stolen anything from you - she added.

- Oh, thanks.

- You're welcome - she smiled with her disgusting smile. Even though she was helpful I couldn't stand not taking notice of her appearance: great pink fake-nails and lifted pink lips with pink eyelashes.

I stood up immediately which I shouldn't have done: the food in my stomach has been lifted too so I ran to the restroom and swallowed. After finishing I ran to the canteen.

- I hate fish - I murmured before asking for a menthol chewing-gum because I was sure that the tuna was the cause. If I didn't need the gum really - as I couldn't brush my teeth - I wouldn't had bought it: it cost the double of the normal price!

The flight landed and some minutes later I could see a group of people coming - each with disappointed, angry or at least tired face. I thought to lift the board above my head but I didn't want to make him feel awkward. When the mass became smaller - nearly everybody went away - I could see a... boy (?) in puffy coat and girlish sunglasses (!) standing in front of me. I was still grasping the board. He took an uncertain step forward me.

- You must be Kevin - I stretched out my hand but he didn't accept. I pulled it back slowly. - My name's Beatrix. Your...

- Hey, stop speaking so much! Dad has already told me everything. Just take me home, okay? - he asked angrily.

_Dad?_

- Er... okay. Shall I help you with your case? - I offered.

- No, I can deal with it, 'kay?

- Of course - I said quickly and we went out of the building. I could find a taxi soon and the driver could speak English - more or less.

- He didn't tell me that you're his son - I tried to start a conversation with Kevin - third time.

- Eh, haven't you realized that he always informs you at the last minute? It's so typical to him.

He didn't say anything more on the way. We got out of the car at the corner and continued our way on foot.

- Here we are - I opened the gate.

- I know for sure - he replied.

We went into the house and the family began kissing and hugging him.

- Have you seen the panda she had drawn for you? - Emily asked.

Kevin glanced at me with a murderous face.

- I hope you know that pandas _doesn't_ live in Japan and you didn't tell my sister such stupid things - he said.

I got fed up with him at this point. I withdrew to my room offended.

_How could he even suppose that I'm that stupid?!_

Amalia had told me that he was just tired so he didn't really mean the things he said.

23rd December, 2013.

Awhh, it's morning again and I can't sleep. That asshole guy snores at the end of the room. Yeah, he's at the same room as I because both of us were too proud to sleep on the couch. I have no privacy until he slips off.

We've had our breakfast and he's still sleeping! How can he sleep so much?

I took a picture of him sleeping and letting his saliva flowing out of his mouth. I posted it on facebook: "My new roommate!" and I didn't even hurt his rights because people couldn't see his full face.

I asked Tommy if that was a good idea to make some breakfast for him and (maybe) take it to the room. He approved so I made some toast with marmalade (yumm ^_^) and a cup of coffee if he needed. I took it into the room and placed on his bedside-table. I wrote a card written _Buon Apetite_ rapidly. As I have finished I became sleepy so I tried to sleep back - with more or less success. When I nearly fell asleep Kevin woke up - I could see him from under the blanket. His gaze fell o the tray and he smiled. He stretched before tasting the food. He bit one and murmured something like _hmm_ so he must have liked it. I was satisfied with my result.

After finishing his breakfast he came to my bed.

- Hey - he poked me.

- Awh, yeah? - I looked at him.

- Get up; Dad wants to talk with us.

- Okay, I'm getting dressed...

- You don't have to - he said.

- Oh, do you think so? - I pushed my bare right leg out of the blanket.

- Well, then I'm going out, okay? - he asked confused.

- Oh, yeah - I stretched. - I'll be out in a minute.

Yeah, I usually sleep just in a long tee and I knew that they couldn't concentrate well if I went out like that so I put on a pair of stretch-jeans before going out.

- Did you sleep well? - Tommy asked.

- Yeah, but not as long as I wanted because _somebody_ woke me up - I smiled.

- In this case take a seat. Do you want a coffee yet?

- No, still no - I laughed briefly. I could see that Kevin couldn't understand anything so I bean explaining. - You know, I woke up four hours earlier, I just tried to sleep back.

- Oh, I see. So you made breakfast for me? - he asked a bit angrily.

- Yes, what's the problem with?

- The coffee was cold.

- You woke up late - I shrugged my shoulders.

- And there were too much jam on the toast.

- We call it marmalade because it's made of orange _and_ you could go out to the kitchen and solve the problem on your own. Or shall I wipe your ass out, Mr. Precision?

- Hey guys, you should not argue! - Tommy inserted immediately.

- But Dad! - Kevin cried.

- Shut up, Son! So, where should I begin?

- At the beginning? - Kevin suggested impatiently.

- We receive many letters from your fans asking for further information of...

- Wait, his fans? - I asked amused. - What are you talking about?

- Later - Kevin said. - Just continue, Dad.

- So they all ask for some further information of your muse to whom "You're the One" was written.

- And what have you found out? Who should I ask to play that mysterious girl's role?

- Beatrix, of course!

- NO - we said immediately.

- Oh, Dad, I... I don't really know her...

- And so do I! And you know what happened to...

- And you know about...

We both tried to convince Tommy about the ridiculousness of his idea but we failed - he has already decided.

- Your image needs a tangible girlfriend in Sweden not a shy and mysterious one from Japan!

- But I... I...

- You just hang out together holding each other's hand and sometimes kiss each other. Is it so difficult?

- Awh, I've done several things for my career, it won't depend on this. Let it be - he said.

- You won't have to deal with Emily more if you accept this job. You can live here until he moves on. You just have to show up with him, smile, and don't say anything. Got it?

- Yeah, but I liked Emily...

- You were tired of her I know.

- Oh, but we'll need a cover-story then - I said.

- Ehm... have you ever been to Japan?

- How could she have been? She didn't know either that pandas doesn't live there! - Kevin said.

- That was a cute manga, 'kay? So you can end this story now.

- Ehm, Italy? - Tommy suggested.

- Sí? - I asked in Italian.

- So you speak the language? - Tommy asked.

- I was learning it for three years and I also visited the Carnival in Venice in 2011.

- Nice, that's the same year we were there. So you met there and after losing your father you moved to Sundsvall with your mother. You were just friends then and you became lovers nearly a year ago. After losing your mother you moved to us quickly because you didn't want to live alone in Kevin's apartment.

- And Mom didn't allow me to move there before I was eighteen.

- But I was in Japan when you did... when did you?

- At the fourth of June.

- Right, so I was in Japan so you couldn't move there alone...

- Because I hate being alone for days. Mom had died on the fourteenth of August - and I moved here as soon as I could.

- Who said _I love you_ first? - Tommy asked.

- (S)he! - we said at the same moment.

- I won't do anything until the man steps so you - I glanced at Kevin.

- So I kissed you first?

- Oh, of course! - I laughed. - Give your hand on it!

We shook hands on our agreement. His touch was a bit feminine, so called _dead fish_. I clutched his hand a bit.

- Ouch! - he pulled it back rapidly.

- Sorry... so, what's out first thing to do together? - I asked Tommy.

- I need a new pair of trousers - Kevin reacted.

- So you ask me to join you to buy one, right? - I smiled.

- Yeah, but you must wear some VK stuff - he pointed out.

I stared at him.

- Oh, no, don't even think about it! Don't even _dream _about it! - I hurried back to our room and put on some wearable black clothes. I was scolding myself for accepting his (their) offer as I went out to the court. He was standing near a pink Suzuki SX4. It has shocked me.

- Will you get in or stay here? - he asked impatiently.

- Are you sure that you want to go with _this_? - I pointed at the car.

- Oh, of course! It's my promotion car! Get in quickly.

- Will you explain me some things?

- If you get in now - he exhaled a long - I will.

I immediately got into the car and he sat near me. He opened the gate with a remote controller and turned the key. We were traveling for at least ten minutes when he asked:

- So, what do you want to know?

- Could you please talk about your fans? And why do you have them? Who are you exactly?

- It will be a long-long story...

- I'm sure it is so you'd better begin - I sighed.

- After I lost my mother at the age of seven, I was living with my father for some years - until he realized Amalia. When I was ten they began their joint life so she elbowed me out from Dad's life. I regret now that I didn't like her at the first ages because now she's one of my best friends, the one I can easily tell nearly everything. At that age one of my friends, Sebbie discovered visual kei. As it wasn't an average style - and I was fighting against Dad and Amalia - I joined him. I became friends with some guys and we established a band; later called Seremedy. We were using fake names - mine was Yohio, how friends had called me for some time. My family gave me this name when I was - he parked the car because we got to the place we went - five or six.

I was amazed of his extroversion. I had thought he wouldn't tell me anything - or would tell useless and common things.

- Don't you want to get out of the car?

- Oh, sorry - I smiled at him and did what he had asked me to do. - Where are we now?

- Brista? - he looked at me uncomprehendingly.

- Hey, I came here every time by bus, okay?

- Don't leave your coat at the car - he commanded me. - Heey, what's that? - he pointed at my bag.

- So, please, it's a type of military bag in which Hungarian warriors kept their gas mask through the two World Wars.

- And you use _that_?

- Oh, of course, you also haven't seen my belt? There are 9 mm's bullets on it!

- Oh, my God, do you think you're a warrior?

- No, but I love military stuff! Give your hand and go.

With this similar sentence we began our four-hours-long mission for finding a pair of suitable trousers for Kevin. People were staring at us - partly because (I think) they knew who Kevin was and partly because it's funny to see a _girlboy_ in pink and a Metallian girl holding each other's hands.

In the first shop he gave me the key of the car because he said he was sure that he would lose it while trying.

- Don't you want to continue your story? - I asked him at the sixth shop while he was trying the... one, two, three... tenth pair of black tube-jeans.

- Not yet - he replied from the fitting bay. - What do you think? - he came out.

- Awh, phew! - I laughed.

- Isn't it good? - he asked.

- You look like you had shat into your pants.

- But... awh, okay, I'm taking it off and we can go to another shop.

- In underwear? - I raised my eyebrows. He didn't answer just went in and came out two minutes later in his cute white jeans.

- Shall we go? - he asked with a murderous smile.

- Of course! - I kissed him on his right cheek and - after we took the trousers back - we wanted to go to the next shop. - Oh, oh, ooh! Look there! - I pointed to a direction. - There's the Lolita shop!

- Oh, I didn't know that there is one! Come on, let's go there!

- But we have already been shopping for three hours, I'm starving! - I sat down on the closest bench stubborn.

- Oh, okay, then we should have dinner at...

- Just go to that part and we can decide there, 'kay?

- Of course - he smiled and we went to the first floor where most of the fast-food restaurants were. I attacked the Chinese-section immediately - I love Chinese food!

- Hey, Dear, come - I said him and he _did_!

- Oh, how much that costs? - he took his wallet out.

- Don't you wanna eat something? - I looked at him amazed.

- No, I'm not hungry - he replied briefly and paid.

- Oh, come on, you haven't eaten anything since breakfast! - we took a seat near. - Now you're going to get some food for yourself! I don't wanna se you coming back without a full plate! You must eat something.

- Don't order me all the time, you're not my mother! - he stood up angrily and went away. I couldn't do anything with his behavior.

Ten minutes later he came back with some salad. He sat down and began eating without a single word. He didn't either take off his - girlish - sunglasses for this action.

- Where were you? - I interrogated him.

-You have no business with that - he answered but when he saw my face he added immediately - but I had gone to the restroom and I was queuing for some food.

- And it took you ten fucking minutes! - I stopped eating.

- Yeah, because I'm a slow person!

He hated me at least as much as I hated him but we had to solve this problem to keep the illusion of a happy relationship.

- Hey, I'm sorry. Forgive me for shouting and losing my cool head - I touched his hand on the table. I really meant it.

- Awh, don't play yourself! - he raised his voice but as everyone was looking at us he began talking more quietly and if it's possible his voice was even more angry. - You know for sure that you just _play the role_ of my girlfriend and it doesn't allow you for behaving as you'd like or even love me!

- I just wanted to be friendly, what's the matter? - I whispered to him.

As he didn't answer we both continued eating in silence. When we had finished we went to the Halo of the Demon, the Lolita shop.

- Don't you need anything? I mean some colorful clothes for example - he asked when we got there.

- Ehm... what if I buy some corsets? - I asked because mine went wrong and I had a passion with corsets - especially with the Victorian-styled ones.

- If they're not black... I'll pay for them - he nodded slowly for more himself than for me.

- Then go and check for trousers - I laughed - I'll do the same with corsets.

In some minutes I have found ten suitable ones for trying. I didn't really care of their price as before - there was a rich guy who had offered me to buy them all. Six months ago I didn't even look at them because of their horrible prices. I was about trying them on when I could hear Kevin shouting from the fitting:

- Trixie!

_Oh, my God, shut up!_

- Hey, I'm right here, wassup?

- Could you please come in? I'm having some problems with the zipper... - he asked in a much lower voice.

I sighed before answering. I was fed up with childish behavior.

- Let me see - and I went in with all the ten corsets.

As I stepped in I could see something people rarely see in fitting bays: there was another person in pants and T-shirt trying to draw the zipper on the left side of his trousers - with no success. I couldn't do without smiling.

- Don't laugh but help instead! - he ordered me.

- Magic word? - I asked laughing.

- Please - he looked at me with puppy-eyes - I can't even draw it up or down.

- There's probably something in the zipper... come closer! - I kneeled down. It was a bit mistakable situation so I was praying God not to let anyone in. - Here it is... - I held the thread and I tried to bite it.

- Hey, what are you doing? - he yelled at me.

- I'm eliminating the thread so shut up and try to bear it!

I touched his inner thigh and pulled him closer to me.

_Oh, don't let you cheeks become pink! Don't! Oh, here it is!_

I was so close to him that my face touched his leg.

- Try it now - I said my eyes shooted down as I stood up.

- Oh, thanks, it works properly. So, what do you think?

His dark black jeans were fitting his thin legs like gloves. There was a text about accepting each other round his legs; the zipper ran up from his knees slantingly to the left and right side of his hips.

My first idea was to say _I love you_ for what I have seen but I brought myself under control so I just said:

- If you like it I like it too. It - I gesticulated with my hands strong - just matches your tee. - I said finally instead of a compliment. I felt so silly for not telling him some kind words.

- Ehm, don't you wanna go out? You could try them on - he pointed at the corsets.

- Oh, ooh, you're right! I'm not even here! - I hurried out and I went into the other bay to put the corsets on. I found three full and one waist-corset that looked well on me. They were red, purple, blue, green and gray. The first three ones were the full-corsets.

- Hey, Kevin... oh! - I found him in a newly-tried tee. - I like it, buy it!

- Yeah, I was thinking of that too... what did you wanna say?

- I just wanted to ask: how many corsets am I allowed to buy?

- I'd buy you the whole shop if you dressed more colorful then!

- Okay, don't we wanna go? - I hurried him.

- Hey, keep it cool, I'm taking this off and we can go and pay, right?

- You've just found out my inner wishes!

My stomach began rumbling in that very moment. I felt a bit awkward.

- Oh, my God, are you hungry? How can you eat so much? - he asked.

I gently raised my shoulders to show him that I didn't know.

- Here, buy a sandwich or anything you want, I have to pay. And I don't want to see you coming back without food in your hands!

- Oh, thanks - I smiled and went out of the shop but before I checked a beautiful black corset that I'll have no money for ever - even if I work for Tommy for ages.

I attacked the only gyros-stand I could find - that's my favorite food! As soon as I had a bit one of the heavenly food my phone began ringing.

- Yeah - I answered.

- Where are you? - a voice asked impatiently. - I'm waiting for you with all of our stuffs at the car! You have the key and I'm freezing out here!

- Ehm, Kevin?

- Happy to hear that you have recognized me! Now get your ass quickly to the car or I'll... - he hung up. I wasn't sure that he didn't want to tell me what he will do or he didn't know it either. I voted for the first option and hurried to the pink SX4. He was waiting for me there.

- Give me the key and finish your food 'coz you won't sit into my car with food in your hands; you could make it dirty.

I just sighed on this and ate the last bite of the gyros before sitting into his beloved _pink_ car.

- Here's the due - I wanted to give him the money back.

- Keep it, I have enough - he replied.

- Don't you want to continue your story?

- I'd prefer telling you the rest at home.

I let him have the last word because I had realized that we have much in common: he's stubborn, hotheaded and extroverted like me. I didn't even talk to him until we got home, went into our joint room and he lay down on the bigger bed.

- Will you be telling me the rest of the story now? - I lay next to him.

- If you get your hair out of my face... - he said. Awh, yes, my hair grows quickly, it's longer now that it was before we cut it down. I was missing it so much so I began growing it. Now it reaches the top of my belly. I also have to cut my nails every second day because they grow so fast.

- So we have just established Seremedy, right? - he asked.

- Uhm, yes, something like that.

- So we were five guys in one band. We were extremely good and soon we went on a tour in Japan. Of course Dad was our manager - as he's mine now. In those times I was dressing like a girl - you know, visual style - and soon I realized that I'm not average. I didn't tell it anyone - neither to Amalia, she wouldn't have understood me that time. I was dying inside but I had to bear it because of my career. But two years ago we broke the rule of not having a crush on a band-member with the singer. We were together for half a year but it turned out soon that it won't work out. I told him to break up. I could see things clearly but he couldn't - he still had pink clouds round his head. He was shouting with me and we disbanded soon. Later in Japan I met a guy who I fell in love with. Now we're together for half a year. Oh, I don't know why I am telling all these to you! I just don't know you either! Awh, maybe to show you that there can't be... there won't be anything between us!

He looked at me like he had finished - and I looked at him like he hadn't.

- Er, no, I'm still virgin - he added.

- I wasn't interested in - I commented.

He was still staring at me like he didn't know what I wanted.

- Why are you famous now? - I asked.

- Oh, ooh, I'm a solo artist, a singer now in Japan and Sweden.

It shocked me. I was lying next to a star and I didn't know it either. I felt so stupid.

- You didn't know?

I nodded slowly.

- You fucking didn't know? My face is placated everywhere in Sweden, especially in Sundsvall! Oh, my God, you really didn't know...

- And that's why you needed a fake-girlfriend... - I whispered in Hungarian.

- Ehm, yes?

- I'm sleeping on the couch today - I stood up. - But now go out of the room.

- Who do you think you are to order me? - he got up angrily.

- Someone who's older than you, who _lives_ here and who you need.

He didn't say anything just went away.

I didn't mean to hurt him but I needed some time to think things over. I have known him for just one day but I have already saved his life twice: when I accepted his (their) offer of being his girlfriend for some time - even though I hated men nowadays because of the people who had fucked me over - I mainly thought of Norbi; and when we had had our first intimate moment thanks to his new pair of trousers. And he still hated me. And he was homosexual. And he hates me. And he's homosexual...

24th December, 2013.

The couch wasn't as comfortable as I had thought so. I tossed and turned all night and I could fall asleep just about dawn. Awh, my back still aches...

When I woke up today at about half past noon I could see Emily smiling at me. She asked me if why I have slept there.

- I just wanted to try it out - I caressed her blonde hair.

Then Kevin hurried out of _my_ room:

- Wake up, Trixie, we have many things to do today!

When he had realized his sister he picked her up and took her into the kitchen.

- Hey, Dear, you should make some food for Emily! - he shouted from there.

- Who are you to order me? - I yelled back while standing up.

- The member of your boss' family so quickly! Come!

- I'm not a housekeeper, that's Rita... - I said for myself while taking the ten steps that separated me from the kitchen. - I'm here, Mr. Precision - I said while rumbling my eyes. - What shall I make? Semolina-pudding? Sandwich? Sausage? Fried eggs? Scrambled eggs? Omelet? Some ham with 'em maybe?

He was staring at me 'coz he didn't believe that I could cook better than taking the semi-cooked food into the microwave-oven.

- Could you please make some semolina-pudding for her and scrambled eggs for me with some ham?

- Do you need more than I'll eat? - I smiled.

- Oh, that amount will be just enough.

I made some breakfast for each of us and as I could see they had liked it. After finishing I asked Kevin about his further plans for today.

- My plan is to sleep until the sun goes down - he stretched. - But my friend, Evelina has a pre-Christmas party today... so we're going there.

- Pre-Christmas party on the twenty-fourth of December? - I raised my eyebrows.

- Of course! We usually celebrate Christmas on the twenty-fifth. So please go and get dressed, I had promised to do the shopping for the food - Will wants to cook. I hope he won't ruin it - cooking isn't his strength. We'd better buy some semi-cooked food too - he mumbled for himself while I was going into my room without a single word.

I put on a pair of black stockings, my favorite long black skirt and a black turtleneck-sweater. I was combing my hair when I could see Kevin coming in.

- Are you serious? - he asked. He was wearing his new pair of trousers and the tee I saw on him at the shop. He looked fantastic. - You really planed to go out to the street without a corset I had just bought you?

- We're just doing shopping guy so relax.

- Have you ever had done shopping for a three-course meal for twenty people?

- As many people will be there?

- Oh, yes, half's Evelina's friends and half is her brother's.

- So you don't know the other part?

- We know them but we aren't the same group. But turning back to our previous topic - you should put on the blue corset so we will be dressed together.

- Awh, that's the most difficult to put on!

- Shall I help? - he asked a bit grumpily.

- Would you...?

- In other case I didn't offer - he came with the corset in his hands and he placed it on my waist. He helped me with doing the hooks and his hand happened to touch mine.

- Sorry - he said with his eyes shooted down and he began pulling the ribbon on my back to make the corset tighter. He touched my waist tenderly while doing this simple action.

- Nothing has happened so far - I said while I was trying to breathe. - Hey, man, I can't get any oxygen, make it looser!

- Oh, sor...

- If you apologize once more I won't forgive you - I said while I was laughing. - Thank you.

- Shall we go? - he asked in a more patient and calm way. His voice was like touching velvet. I enjoyed hearing it. He offered his hand and I accepted. We went to the hall and we put our coats on then we got into the car. He was wearing his sunglasses again and it frustrated me a bit so I asked:

- Do you really need to wear those on your head?

- Where shall I wear them? - he smiled.

- Hmm, I could show you - I held it in my hand and I put its arm into my mouth.

- Hey, that was expensive don't chew it! - he pulled it from me and placed back on his head.

- Where are we going? - I asked senseless. I was a bit huffy because of his jealous reaction.

- Bio-shops, supermarkets... and we're starting at the market. There are some aunties who sell really good quality of home-grown vegetables and fruits.

Well, I'm not willing to write down the whole shopping-procedure I just want to mention one single moment: we were shopping for some cheese in a supermarket - and we always bought the ones Kevin thought the best - when I asked him about the dealing.

- What do you mean by this? - he asked back.

- You buy everything - and also the most expensive ones. How will they pay it back?

- I'm also calculating with the cheapest ones and I pay the quality gap for them.

- And why? - I asked wondering.

- Even though they have much less money than me I want them to have the best. - He smelled an edamese cheese before adding - They're my friends. My second family.

- Awh, I see.

- Don't you need an eye-pencil? - he asked after he had placed the cheese into the trolley.

- Why would I need? I don't use make-up.

- You should. Your long black hair makes your face pale. Come, we're going to buy you something that will look good on you.

- But Kevin, I really don't need - I contradicted.

- I don't care what you say you have to be beautiful when you first show up with me officially.

I felt really upset because of his comments but I knew I had to bear him and his behavior so I followed him.

- I didn't mean that you're ugly - he said when I reached him. - I just meant that you're so pale without make-up.

- Pale - I raised my eyebrows - Have you seen my skin tone?

- You still look pale without make-up, Dear - he turned to me. I thought he wanted to do something with me when he stretched his hand into my direction but when his hand left my face and came back a simple second later with an eye-liner I sighed relieved.

- I'll take you to a manicurist too. You'll need to do something with your nails. But your hair is O.K. - he said wondering.

- Awh, thank you!

- What's the problem? - he asked uncomprehendingly.

- Nothing, nothing. Don't you want to pay for a plastic operation for me? - I asked ironically.

- Hmm... your breasts could be bigger.

- Hey, I'm using 85 C bras! - I said huffily.

- I was just pulling your leg! Your nose would need plastical surgery more...

It was the point when I got fed up with him. I withdrew to the reception desk offended and I went out to the car. My nose was nearly the only part of my body that I hated apart from my belly - it was big and a bit hooked because of my Jewish forebears - and he was joking with that. I truly hated him because of it.

It took him five minutes to finish inside and get to the car. He could see on my face that he'd better not saying anything but pack into the car silently.

- Are we ready yet? - I asked him in the car.

- I think so. Let me see the list...

I gave him the piece of paper he needed. He was staring at it for some time before saying:

- Yes, we're ready with the party stuffs.

- Now you're taking me to your manicurist, right? - I sighed. I wasn't sure about what he wants to do with my nails so I wasn't enthusiastic about his idea to go there.

- I won't if you don't want to.

_What the Hell has happened to you?_

- You're free to take me anywhere I - party - work for you and you just specify my working-clothes - I said resigned.

- You'd better say your appearance. You know that I have no control above the way you dress 'coz you're so hotheaded and stubborn.

I didn't want to answer and he didn't insist me to do. We were just sitting next to each other and went somewhere.

He had phoned somebody before reaching his famous manicurist. Her name was Barbara - and she was Hungarian.

- Are you satisfied? - Kevin asked me.

- Well, thank you. You're better than I have expected.

- Ookay but now I have to go, I'll be back in an hour!

He quickly got into the car and drove away.

- Hey, we should go and do something with your nails before he comes back - she laughed (and also spoke Hungarian) - He hates laziness.

- I know him too - I followed her - somewhere.

She took me to her home beauty-parlor. I have already been at such places in Hungary because my uncle's second wife worked as a manicurist.

- What should we do with your nails? - she asked when I was sitting in front of her.

- A simple manicure would be too logical and mainstream... what about fake-nails? - I asked.

- Are you sure? It takes two hours and...

- He has money, isn't he? And that would be awkward if we had to wait for him.

- You're right - she agreed. - And I also have nothing better to do today.

She built fake-nails beautifully. We agreed in the smallest size and in colorful French manicure. It became a bit bizarre because I choose a changing color: peach in hot and magenta in cold. Kevin got there at the end of the first step: Barbie hadn't used the colorful gel yet. I didn't want him to know about the rascality of my nails so we told him that it would be peach.

Barbie had asked Kevin something connected to using make-up but I couldn't understand what she wants.

- You should know that Beatrix can't speak Swedish, Darling and that it's not a nice behavior speaking in a language that others can't speak - Kevin lay back in the armchair.

- I could understand that she was talking about using make-up, _Dear_!

- And could you understand _who _was she talking about?

- Er... no - I said surrender.

- Anyway, I'd be happy if you finished soon. We have one more hour to get there.

- Is it so far away? - I asked.

- No but I want to do your make-up.

- Awh, make-up again - I gesticulated strongly. - I've already told you that I hate using that.

- Heey, stop moving, you're ruining your nails! - Barbie scolded me.

- Oh, sorry again - I apologized.

- Barbie, will you be coming? - Kevin asked.

- I don't know yet - she said like she wanted him to persuade her. - Do you want me to go?

_Awh, phew, dirty bitch! Don't you know that he's gay?_

- I just asked - he said - if Dorian had invited you.

- Who's Dorian? - I asked Kevin.

- He's Evelina's twin brother.

- Oh, I see... - I said my eyes shooted down. The words _twin_ and _brother_ brought me bad memories but I didn't want them to see me weak.

- Are you fine? - Kevin came closer to me and crouched down next to me.

- He _had_ invited me but I didn't know whether I'm going or not - Barbie said. - Place your hands into the UV lamp and we're ready then - she told me.

- Of course I'm fine - I told Kevin. - I just had my eyes harmed by the lamp.

- You're ready - Barbie said.

- Oh, thank you. What do I owe you? - I asked.

- Nothing, _he_ will pay for me when he takes me to the party - she said as she took her coat on.

Kevin reminded her that he wants to do my make-up so she let us to use her bathroom - but only with opened door - _as if we wanted to do anything._ She came in nearly every second and asked Kevin if she could help him. He was about saying something _nice_ to her when I tightened his arm to cool him down. I checked myself in the mirror when we got ready - I could see a beautiful girl with red lips, long black hair, amber eyes and black stripe above her eyelashes - but not myself. I was ugly and... ugly. After finishing we went to the car. Barbie wanted to sit next to Kevin and sent me to the back - near to the stuffs we had bought.

My gaze fell on Kevin and his on me - he was asking me to save him.

- Ehm, Barbie, isn't it a problem if I sit at the front? - I smiled awkwardly. Kevin could see that I want to save the savable. - You know, I'm having some problems with my stomach if I'm sitting at the backseat. And... and I hope you don't want to smell the things I vomit.

It worked. I was so happy to see her letting me... no, pushing me to the front - and Kevin was also satisfied. He whispered a pale _thank you_ when I got into the car.

Barbie was sitting behind me so she couldn't reach Kevin as easily as she wanted to. I didn't know what this lass what thinking about herself but I could see clearly Kevin's displease of her when she wanted to get connected to him - anyhow.

It took as about fifteen minutes to reach the house we went to.

- Okay, babies, get out of my car quickly - he said after parking the vehicle.

- I'd prefer if just she went away - Barbie said in Swedish.

- Awh, Barbie, you've already been told to speak the common language if we are together, right? - Kevin asked a bit angrily.

- Hey, guys, you two shouldn't argue. We're getting out and let him packing the food, right? One, two, come on - I clapped.

Barbie got off huffily and I could see Kevin's sight.

- It's like she wanted to have a crush on you - he said while bowing his head back to the headrest. He didn't even look at me. - Can you understand?

- What if I said I'm lesbian? - I asked suddenly - I don't know why.

- Are you? - he asked back a bit senseless while turning his head slowly to my direction.

- No, I'm not but imagine - I got out of the car. - What would you react?

- I would say that I'm happy that you understand my feelings but you aren't. When I told you what I am... - he opened the trunk.

- You are a human being just as she is or I am.

- When I told you that I'm homosexual you decided to sleep on the couch. And you sent me out too - he held a bag and another one soon.

- I needed some time to think things over - I said and took the two bags from his hand. - I have one more hand so give me two more. Thank you - I said as he did.

- And what did you have to think over? - he asked by taking two more bags out.

- Oh, please, skip the topic - I said with tearing eyes as I looked at him. I knew that he's a fucking star, a fucking homosexual star and I'll never get him. He was the man of my dreams with his perfect blonde hair, hazel eyes and that cute and wide smile and awh... I always lost in his eyes as I looked at him. His lips were to kiss them but they were _venomous poison_ as Alice Cooper said in the song. I think the moment that I fell in love with him was when I saw him in those jeans he was just wearing now.

A blond girl has just run out of the house in pink hoodies. She was a bit plump and also beautiful - the one I could easily imagine on Kevin's side in place of me.

- Hey, Yohio, hi! - she kissed Kevin on his cheeks three times.

_At least this habit was common with my old ones..._

- Who's this girl? - she asked in Swedish. - I haven't seen her yet anywhere.

- Evelina, she's Beatrix, my fake-girlfriend - the one I have already talked about.

- Oh, hi, I'm Evelina - she changed to English - but you're free to call me Eve - she kissed me on my cheeks. _So she wasn't jealous or anything else of me._

- Hello, my name's Beatrix but all calls me just Trixie or Miya - I said.

- Oh, isn't it a problem if I call you Trixie? We already have a Miya in our crush.

So my six-years-old name failed. They already had one of me.

- Are you serious that you name yourself Miya? - Kevin asked as we went in.

- My friends named me when we were twelve and I just found it out later that it means Princess - I whispered back. - On facebook I'm Miya Tsuki too.

- Awh, Moonprincess? Are you serious? - he asked annoyed.

- Yes, I am, I don't want my old acquaintances to find me!

- We're here - Eve said as we got into the kitchen and she made our silent argument finished. - Just put the things out. Ehm, here's Will, our cook.

We shook hands. His touch was strong - I liked it.

- What will you cook? - I asked him.

- I was thinking of some stock, French fried pork and some ice-cream.

- Cold food spring fat in stomach and we get fatter - you'd better make some cake - I said.

- Awh... I'll think it over.

- Come on, guys, we're remaking our agreement because everyone's here - Eve said as she was pushing me into an unknown direction.

We got to the living room soon. Many people were sitting and standing there and nearly all gazes fell on me as I stepped in.

- Guys, come in - a boy said - he must have been Dorian. - So you all here: everyone knows the rule: nobody knows anything that is said or happened here, right?

They were talking in English - I guess because there were some more non-Swedish people except me.

- Hey, Yohio, who's... - the guy came closer to me and my fake-boyfriend.

- She's Trixie, my fake-girlfriend. She'll hold her tongue I promise - he answered.

- Oh, hi, I'm Dorian - he stretched his hand.

- Trixie - I replied and we shook hands. - Er, _Dear_, could we talk somewhere? - I asked Kevin.

- Oh, of course, I also wanted to smoke a cigarette. Let's go out.

I followed him through the house and we got out soon. He took a cigarette out of his pack and tried to light it.

- Oh, my fucking lighter has just ran out - he held the cigarette in his hand and he leaned against the wall.

- Here, use mine - I gave him a new one.

- Do you need...? - he pushed the package to me.

- Oh, no, thanks, I don't smoke - I refused.

_I really didn't._

- Then why do you have a lighter? - he lighted his cigarette and exhaled the smoke.

- For these cases. So what was this agreement about?

- I have already told you that we aren't good friends with the other part we just want to party here at the same time. - He held an exhaling-pause. - So we made a compromise: they don't know anything about my privacy and we don't know anything about their weed.

- W... weed? - I asked a bit afraid.

- Yeah, what's the problem? - he asked back.

- Oh, I hope nothing...

- Hm, you know - he shrugged his shoulders. - Here's your lighter - he pushed it to me.

- You can keep it, I don't really need.

- Thanks - he placed it in his pocket.

- I'm checking the food - I said after a longer silence and I went into the kitchen. Will was clearing the vegetables with a knife awkwardly.

- Oh, hi, I couldn't see you coming in - he said as he realized me.

- Hi, shall I help? - I offered and I took a peeler out of the shelves.

- How did you know where they are? - he asked uncomprehendingly.

- Beginners' luck - I answered and I sat down for work.

We could finish half an hour earlier together than he could alone. He said that he can cook the first two meals but he could do with some help with the cake. I decided to make some sponge-cake - the only one I could make without a concrete receipt.

- For twenty people, phew, I'll need... forty eggs... - and so one. I have never made so many food in my life but I think we have to begin everything at one suitable time - and this was the time for cooking.

- Hey, put some full-pepper into the soup! - I ordered Will. - It will be tasteless without! Awh, and you should cook it on small fire - I said.

- But it will never be ready!

- In other case it will be rough. Believe me I have already cooked it badly one... two... three times. Awh, and do we have the bilberry-jam? And the camembert-cheese? What about the prune?

- Everything's here calm down, girl.

- Oh, the oven's ready to use!

In two hours time we got ready - I spent the whole time in the kitchen with Will. I didn't know what the others were doing but when we have finished with serving and went into the living room they were laughing on Eve singing a song.

- Hey, guys, come on! - she shouted as she have finished. - Don't you want to try it?

- Ehm, Trixie, this would be good for you - Kevin started a song. It was a popular song in Sweden but - he was unlucky - I knew the song. It was Eric Saade's Masquerade that told about the singer's feelings for his love who hides behind a mask.

- She's surreal, she's dangerous and no one else can match those eyes... - I began singing. They were staring at me because of my tune-knowledge. When I got too the refrain (_We're both in this masquerade, what can I do to see you, the girl behind the mask? Our love was just a masquerade, I wanna get to know you, the girl behind the mask, I want a chance to feel you, the girl behind the mask._) I was seriously gazing at Kevin to show him that I _mean_ the lyrics not just sing it.

When I have finished they were clapping but Kevin told me that they were playing a game that everyone had to sing a song he/she didn't know and later they listened to the original song.

- So now you're getting a new one - he added and he began playing a Versailles-track. It's title was _Amorphus_ but that was the only thing I could read - the subtitle was in Japanese so I couldn't read it. For beating him I began singing _Smells Like Nirvana_:

- I don't know what's these lyrics 'bout... - and so one. They were laughing on my creativity and that I didn't know the tune. When I have finished we listened to the original one - it was a hundred times worse that my performance I guess. But at least less creative.

- So you wanted me to feel awkward? Let me see... - I went to the PC. They were using YouTube so I quickly searched Leander Rising's _Szívidomár_ (_Heart Tamer_ in English) and I stopped it until I gave Kevin the microphone. - It's in Hungarian. Good luck.

Of course Kevin couldn't gabble the lyrics as Leander did, he pronounced the words awkwardly and he didn't know the tune either. Then when they heard the original one - and saw the clip too - they were staring with opened mouth on the idiot guitarist, Attila Vörös, who was playing the girl's role and that Leander screamed.

- What's this song about? - Kevin asked. - It was a bit aggressive to me.

- It's about that one-night-long relationships are there to replace someone in your life not just for satisfying your needs. He has thought she can save him from this state but later he finds it out that everyone's replaceable. He wants her to enjoy herself tonight thanks to him and then he's gone because he realizes the fact that he's not The One for her just one in a row.

- Wow - Kevin commented. He couldn't get himself to say anything else.

- So guys, come on, food is ready - Will said.

- Oh, shall I... - I wanted to offer.

- No, I have already told them - he said and we went to the dining room. One half of the tables were full. I looked through their faces and I realized some well-known people. I swallowed hard. Luckily the one I really didn't want to meet wasn't there. We sat down and began eating. When we have finished with the soup Will, Eve, Dorian and I began playing waiters so we took the other's plates and brought the second course. I tried to avoid the part I couldn't have known and - after some time - I realized that they were one person more. Of course it was _him_. After we got ready with the cake he came to me. I was standing near Kevin and Barbie - she tried to chat him up hardly.

- Er... Trixie... - Norbi began while he was scraping his nape. - Could we talk? - he asked finally. This was the only sentence I _really_ didn't want to hear. If he came to me with an _I love you, don't decline me!_ or if he came with an _I hate you, bitch!_ or perhaps with a _Who's this guy?!_ I could say... anything to him but I couldn't reject him in this situation.

He was speaking English - maybe he found it less informal.

- Er... of course. Could we go out? - I asked and he nodded. We took a certain step when I could feel a hand on my upper arm.

_Trixie_ - Kevin's eyes said to me - _please, don't go with him! Don't let me here alone with her!_

- Sorry, Dear, I must go. We have some things we have to talk about - I whispered to him and I kissed him on his right cheek. Norbi and I went to the court. He lighted a cigarette.

- How did you get here? - he asked senseless. Fortunately he couldn't see my facial expressions and neither did I.

- By car - I answered. I knew that it wasn't a good joke but I couldn't stand without saying it.

- Hahaha, really funny - he said ironically. - You shouldn't be here.

- Who says? I have the same right to be here as you - I replied. Now I could remember the only thing I hated in him except that he smoked weed: he was so mulish and wayward _and_ he thought he knew everything better than I did. Usually he wasn't right but he couldn't accept that he has already lost this battle.

- I could see the guests' list a month ago and your name wasn't written.

- I came with someone - I said. I didn't want to tell him that I came with Kevin.

I could hear a short creaky sound as usually a door opens but I ignored it.

- I'm sorry, I regret everything - he said after a long break.

- W... what? - I asked uncomprehendingly.

- I'm sorry to interrogate you and to deceive you. I regret that on that day I lighted that weed. I swear that was the last weed I smoked if you let me back into your heart - he said for my amazement. I didn't really know (I don't know it yet either) why did I tell him the things I was saying but words just came out of my mouth.

- I'm sorry, but I can't. I love somebody else.

- That blonde toothpick? - he asked indignant. - Wind blows him before he could do anything to you!

His words slashed into my heart deeply. I knew he was right because Kevin... let's be honest, wasn't the huskiest guy I knew. And we also had a quite interesting relationship. We acted like we loved each other but we felt the opposite. Or... I don't really know what we felt.

- N... no, it isn't him, how could you even think that? - We were still speaking English.

- Then who? - he asked hungrily for information.

- You have nothing to do with my privacy - I turned to the entrance - where I could see Kevin leaning against the wall and watching me. His face was lighted by the lamp above the door. He looked deeply in my eyes before storming in.

_Oh, fuck me!_

I followed him inside to explain him some things but I bumped into Eve. She was holding a plastic bottle in her hands.

- Oh, hi, come, play _Truth or Dare_ with us - she pushed me to a direction.

- Why do I feel that I'll end up naked? - I asked.

- Yeah, something like that - she smiled and we went into a room. I looked around and I could see nearly the half of our company - and of course Barbie sitting near Kevin - in the room. - Okay, as we're all here and we have a plastic bottle too we could begin. And no _shit on the ground_s as in Ted, please, I don't want to clean the rug.

Everyone was laughing on Eve's joke and we promised not to say it.

We sat down in a circle and Eve placed the bottle in the center. I was sitting in front of Kevin and Barbie. Her smug face was so irritating as _she_ was sitting near _my_... love.

Eve rolled. The cap of the bottle pointed strictly on me.

- Will you answer or dare? - Eve asked.

- I'd probably better to answer - I replied slowly. My stomach shrank to a miniature golf-balls size while waiting for her question.

- What do you think of porn? - she asked. I couldn't have figured it out that she's so... perverse to take this question first.

- I mainly think that sex is about two, emotionally connected people so I don't appreciate they make money of it anyhow. - I held the bottle and rolled. The choice fell on Barbie. - Will you answer or dare? - I asked.

- I'd prefer to dare - she said.

- Take a spider in your hands here - I ordered her. She wasn't willing to do that because she was afraid of spiders so she took her pullover off.

She rolled out someone I didn't know - he had to sing _I Will Survive_ in a really high voice. Of course we took a video of him.

Naturally, there were many tasks we weren't willing to do - then we had to take some clothes off. The questions and tasks became more and more personal as time had passed away (and beer dried up) so we have found out that it would be better to take the question/task before rolling so it wouldn't be so personal and couldn't hurt anyone's rights.

It was Kevin's turn to roll someone. We were nearly in underwear - most people had already taken their T-shirts off; Kevin was in trousers and socks; I was wearing mi tights and my corset. He was thinking of a question before asking while looking deeply in my eyes.

- Who are you in love with at the moment?

I was praying God not to choose me but somehow he had already hated me because the cap strictly fell on me. I swallowed before answering.

- Someone I don't really know and I will never be able to get - I said while gazing at him. He nodded respectfully. Now it was my turn to order someone.

- Have you ever... lied to someone? - I asked and rolled the bottle strongly. Barbie was staring at it because it was her turn to answer.

- Uhm, yes, I think so but who's not? - she asked and continued. - The one who'll be rolled out has to kiss his or her opposite-sexed neighbor.

It was a plain attack from her for getting Kevin. Of course that Bitches expectations became true and as her other neighbor was a girl she could kiss him. As I could see the bottle slowing down before and in front of her I stood up, put my clothes on and went out of the room. I wasn't interested in _her_ wet kiss with _my_ love.

I have found out to seek a quiet and lonely place and cry my eyes out so I began checking the rooms in the house. On the first floor the rooms were used - people were watching movies or - perhaps - had sex inside. I _really_ wasn't interested in other's naked asses at this time so I didn't go in just knocked. As I couldn't find any space upstairs - and it began snowing outside - I checked the kitchen where Will tried to chat a girl up with less success he had expected.

_Kitchen's gone, where else could I go?_

I desperately opened the last door I hadn't tried yet. It opened to a long line of stairs. On the left side there was a light-switch I could easily find. As I went down the stairs I could feel colder and colder; it must have been a cellar out of use. Or...

- Wow, what's this? - I stepped in front of a big wooden door. It was newly made - it's color and lacquer couldn't be older than one or two years. I was freezing without my sweater but my curiosity ruled me; I couldn't turn back. I could feel happy to have my skirt and corset on me.

I carefully opened the door. It moved without a single noise. As I stepped in I could feel that it was much warmer inside - but I still would needed a pullover or anything because my shoulders were bare. I switched the outside lamp on and the insider on. I didn't want anyone to find me.

I glanced around quickly as the light flashed up and my gaze fell on a piece of clothes suddenly: it was a male-sized SX-hoodie in black color. It couldn't have been anyone else's but Kevin's because he was the only one who wore such small-sized clothes and I also could smell his scent: chocolate with a pinch of chili. I was sure he was the only one who used this aroma.

It was clean - but it wasn't used for weeks; a thin dust-layer covered it - so I put it on rapidly. Now I could feel warmer outside but much colder inside as I was wearing something that was his, that has already touched his skin several times. I broke down suddenly. My legs weren't strong enough to hold me anymore and so did my heart. I felt like someone would tear it out slowly as to make the pain more strong but kept the nerves between my body and my organ and would wring the blood out of it with as much accuracy as not to leave any drip inside. I fell on the sofa, switched the light off and began to cry. I didn't care my clothes, my make-up or my hair; I just wanted to make this feeling end, to wake up, to die... anything instead of suffering from the strongest weapon: love.

I don't know how long I was lying there but it felt like minutes were hours. Suddenly my phone began ring. It was Kevin so I didn't answer it. I didn't want him to hear my broken voice. Later I got a message from him:

_"__Wut happened, girl, i cant find u anywher! Hope ur well and didnt esc into the cold nait in a simple corset. Call me bek if u wish. I worry bout u._

_Kevin"_

Tears flew into my eyes. _He cared about me!_ I knew it was just friendship that connected us but it was more I've ever wished. Somehow I earned his friendship and it was more than enough.

I switched the lamp on again as to check the room I was crying in. As I looked around I could see some interesting things: first a microphone near me. Then a guitar and a bass guitar on the ground. I hopefully looked further and there I could see my other love: a drum-set. I had a special fetish to drums so I went to that mother-of-pearl-white set and sat behind. My legs automatically found their places on the leg cymbal and the bass drum. The drumsticks were on this later mentioned beauty. I raised them respectfully. They were out of use for many times but they looked like new ones. It was written _Nightwish_ on them and my heart skipped a beat. All of my old friends knew that Nightwish is the band I _love_. I reverently held them in my hands and beat the leg cymbal and the spinner. They sounded awfully good. As I've already had 5 lessons behind drums I could play a base-rhythm with not much fails. I thought of trying my old and dust-covered drum-knowledge out. The bass drum was stuffed with some rugs so it didn't make as much noise as it would make without stuffing.

I began playing the easiest rhythm in four quarters. I tried not to fail on but my right leg usually wanted to move with my last hand - although they had to do it separately. I sometimes stopped for catching the rhythm again but it worked.

In my passionate mood I couldn't see that someone has just came in - only when he began playing a song on guitar I didn't know. I looked at him and acknowledged that he had at least as much passion to play the guitar as I to drums.

When we have finished our improvisation he came to me and gave a soft kiss on my forehead with my sweater in his hands.

- I brought you back your clothes - he said clumsily.

- Thank you, then I'd better to give you back your one - I tried to smile at him.

- Oh, really, that's mine. I hadn't recognized. So here you are - he pushed my sweater to me and I took his one off.

- Er, could you please help again with the corset? - I asked him. - It's not so easy to take it off.

- Oh, of course, let me see... - He came closer and began switching the clamps off with much care. As he went lower and lower I could breathe easier and easier.

- Thank you, I have nearly died in it. - I put the sweater he gave me on.

We were standing in front of each other and didn't say anything. It was a really frustrating situation. Finally he broke the silence.

- Trixie, can I ask you something... personal? - he glanced at me.

- At the outside I won't answer - I said with lack of confidence.

- Then... don't we want to sit down? - he asked and soon we were sitting near each other on the place I had just cried some minutes ago.

He held my hands as good friends do when they want to tell the other something important.

- Why did you run away? - he asked finally after gazing my eyes. His gaze didn't tell me anything. If I could see inside his head I would have been in a much easier situation.

- I... I don't really know, I... I just hate watching people kissing in front of me and... and I also got fed up with love for today - I answered.

He didn't want to pause me.

- Yeah, here comes my other question - he continued. - Who was that guy?

- What did you hear from our conversation? - I asked quickly.

- That he wanted to "get you back" - he showed the quotation marks. - And the rest of course.

- Hh... - I sighed. So he knew that I strictly denied that I loved him.

He didn't accelerate me just waited for the rest of the story.

- He's my ex. We were going out together for less than two months. - I stopped as to let him some time to react but he was just holding my hands and looking deeply in my eyes - until he reached the bottom of my soul. - We broke up because of weed. - I looked at his eyes but I couldn't stand his gaze. - It's a long story.

- I have time - he said seriously.

- The sort story is that I got to know that he smokes weed and I told him to choose between it and me. He chose me but when a month later I went to a surprise-visit he was sitting in front of a shit-type-of-film and laughed totally high. I deleted his number and did the same with mine in his phone and told him that it has ended.

He was still staring at me but I couldn't get anything out of him.

- He broke his promise - I said as an ending for the story.

- And he wanted to beg himself back to you because he had realized that his life is a shit without you - he summarized.

- Something like that - I answered.

- And why do you hate weed so much as to break up because of it? - he asked hungrily for information.

- Are you using too? - I asked scared.

- No, I'm just interested in your opinion. If people don't smoke it in front of me and I don't meet them in high state I don't care of it - he said. - Now it's your turn to speak about yourself.

- Lie down here, it will be really long.

- Could I use your... - he asked by pointing at my body.

- What? - I raised my eyebrows. - Ah, my belly as a pillow? Of course. Are you feeling comfortable? - I asked. A pale _uhm_ was given so _yes_.

Ha gave a soft kiss on my right hand before he let me to begin the story: _It was on our sixteenth birthday. My family has just moved to the house we were living in; my twin and me had new friends... everything was good, nearly perfect._

_- Hey, don't we wanna go and party at the Viking? - a guy asked Danny, my brother. Everyone approved the idea - that was the most expensive pub in rocker and Metallian society in our town._

_It was summer, we just put a pullover into our bags because we somehow knew that we'll end up at home late._

_That night has changed many things in my life. I wasn't a really childish someone either before but that night I somehow grew up. Yeah, I still love childish things but I can behave like an adult easily._

_So we went out of the house with our new friends. The pub was some streets further; we got there soon but on the way we ten eliminated two liters of wine. I hate wine._

_The party in the Viking was crowded - there was a concert. We were young and naïve and we drank everything others brought. We were difficult to make drunk but they could - of our money of course._

_Later when we were drunk enough a guy suggested that we should go out for lighting a cigarette. I was the one who was more sober than Danny so I went with him to take care of him._

_The bigger part of the company stayed in and just we three went out. The guy directed us to an unknown area of the town - it was dirty and lonely._

_He lighted a cigarette and asked us if we needed some of it. Danny accepted blindly and forced me to try it out too. Then when the first cigarette had been finished the guy lighted another one. He smoked a really tiny part of it - he wanted us to use it. When the second have finished he gave us a third cigarette but now he asked for money. It was one gram we had bought. Yeah, it was weed. When Danny gave him the money he asked for - the guy disappeared. Maybe the drug caused, maybe he was so fast but he disappeared without a single sign._

_I told Danny not to smoke the rest but he was stubborn: he placed the cigarette in my mouth and made me to breathe the smoke in. He enjoyed the drug - I didn't. He has thought that I would enjoy the drug if he gave me or I didn't know._

_Later when he had finished for some time he collapsed without a single sign. I knew that if I'm calling the ambulance they'll inform the police and we'll get a nice police-affair and we could go to prison and we would do the same with the others so I was just squatting near my martyr brother who was asking for some help. I knew I couldn't help him although I thought he would die then and there._

_After a suffered half an hour he became better so we could go back home and send a message to the others that we are well, they don't have to worry about us._

_I didn't either smoke before - especially weed - but that day when I could see my brother in cramp on the ground I vowed that I'll never smoke any kinds of cigarettes again._

By the five minutes I was telling him my story - sometimes with pausing for some teardrops - he was caressing my right hand.

- What has happened to your brother so far? - he asked after a longer break.

- He... - I swallowed - he died a month before Mom and I came to Sweden with... with Dad.

- Oh, sorry to ask. - He held my hand and gave a soft kiss onto again. - Awh, I just love this place. I can't imagine how Eve and Dorian could just leave it like this. - He caressed my hand. - Shall we go up?

- Oh, ooh, if you wish to...

We got up and he helped me with putting the corset on me again. On the way up we were silent which I broke.

- You didn't want them to think that we're doing _that_, uh?

- Well, I'd say that I just disappeared as you when I could hear the cadence of the drums so they didn't know where I was.

A silence-break came again until we got to the door of Eve's room.

- I'm sure they could see some kisses instead of mine - he said and opened the door as not to let me any time to ask back.

_He didn't let her to kiss him? Or what was he just talking about?_

They were still sitting in a circle inside.

- Ah, so you have finished? - Eve asked laughing but I could see Barbie's pale face as we two stepped in.

- Yeah, I have found her - Kevin said and we sat back to our previous places.

- So you still play this? - I pointed at the bottle.

- Yeah, so please, if you wish to stay get your clothes off - Barbie said.

- Ah, right, okay... - I said and pulled my sweater off under my corset and took my skirt as Kevin took his T-shirt off. His bare chest was really... wasn't masculine.

- So... hmm... the one who's rolled out will have to sing _Old McDonald_ while wearing a pair of oversized bras.

It was that guy again who had to sing _I Will Survive_ before. He was really funny in Eve's pink bras and later when he finished he said:

- And those two who the bottle will point must kiss.

- Ah, no, Sebbie, again? - Eve asked.

_So he was the famous Sebbie, who had shown Kevin Visual Kei..._

- Yeah, of course! Here we go... - he rolled the bottle. As I've already mentioned it wasn't my fortune-day: I was sitting strictly in front of Kevin and the bottle pointed strictly at him...

He swallowed hard before coming to me and giving a soft kiss on my left cheek.

- Ah, you guys don't take it serious! - somebody said but we didn't care - we have already lost in each other's gaze. I could see uncertainty in his eyes: I was sure he was thinking of his boyfriend in Japan and of weather doing the thing he wanted to do or not.

- It was just a peck, guy, take your trousers off! - Barbie held Kevin by his hip and wanted to pull him back but he didn't allow her to win and kissed my lips tenderly. Then he sat back and saw me standing up and going out into the cold night in a simple corset...

When I was pushing my boots onto my feet he reached me. He didn't talk - he knew that words aren't enough to say anything in this situation - just gave me my clothes and a piece of paper with some money.

I didn't accept it from his hands so he placed them near me and went back. I put my clothes on and took the money he gave me. I didn't really want to read the paper because I thought that an emotional letter will be written onto it but my curiosity ended up stronger than my proudest.

_"__I somehow knew that this moment will happen but I hoped that no, it won't, you'll stay with me. Here are the buses which can take you home easily and the money you'll need. I'm really sorry I can't take you home - I must stay, I'm the only one who can take the other drunk animals home by car. __J_

_Puspuss:_

_K"_

The timetable was packed into the letter. The last bus left at five to eleven. I knew there was a bus stop in front of the house so I quickly glanced at my phone: it was eight to eleven.

_Eight to eleven!_

I had to run quickly and I could catch the bus on time.

- Good evening. A student-ticket to Sundsvall, Center - I panted as I stepped onto. I knew how 10 km's ticket cost so I gave him the money too. He gave me the piece of paper without a single word and I went to seek some seat. I could find one next to a young girl.

- Hey, Trixie, how are you? - she asked in Carina's voice.

- Awh, hi! Well, thanks, I'm fine, how about you?

- Imagine, I'm coming from Janina. I have told my parents that I'm spending Christmas there while they're on meetings and they took me here although I'm staying with Eric.

- So you lied 'em? - I asked.

- I had to, you know, they are so narrow-minded and conservative so they don't let me to stay with him. They worry about my... haha... virginity - she grinned.

- Awh, nice - I said and gave her a pair of thumbs ironically. - Why don't you tell them that you aren't a small girl yet? - I asked.

- They wouldn't understand me and... oh, it's my stop. It was really nice to meet you, bye! - she took off so I stayed alone.

I got home at about half past eleven and I fell asleep at midnight. My last thought was the touch of Kevin's lips.

I knew that at that very moment something began, something more than the chemistry between us but I could figure it out yet.

25th December, 2013.

As today I woke up and went to the kitchen for having a breakfast I became an ear-witness of an interesting conversation between Tommy and Kevin...

I have just closed the door of my room when I could hear my boss' voice talking furiously.

- No, Son, listen to me this time! You can't afford behaving so childish at your age! Sending her home by bus was the least adult thing you could do! And if someone had robbed her? Or perhaps raped? Where do you keep your mind? She can't even call the police or... or ask for help! She could have been lost! No, don't look at me like this! You exactly knew what could happen to her and you let her go! - he panted.

- She wanted to go I just let her do. I knew I couldn't keep her more. You know she's so stubborn - Kevin said with dead calm.

- I couldn't have forgiven myself that I let her go with you if something had happened to her! You'll do the same with Emily if she grows up, uh? - Tommy asked with fatherly love.

- So you compare her with my sister? No, she'll never reach her! Never!

This single sentence broke me down.

_So our kiss didn't mean anything to him?_

I leaned against the wall because my legs couldn't hold me anymore. The world began rolling around me and I found myself in total darkness soon.

When I became conscious again I could see two pairs of eyes staring at me apprehensively. One was Tommy's and one... yeah, those two eyes I'd love and hate to see.

- Are you fine? - Kevin asked with worried face.

- Yeah, of course - I answered but actually I wasn't. Our kiss didn't mean anything to him while it meant the whole world for me.

- What happened? - Tommy looked at me.

- I don't know, maybe in was hungry and tired and weak...

- Ah, I see, shall I make you some breakfast? - Kevin asked and picked me up. Of course this picking up meant that he helped me to go to the kitchen because he couldn't lift me. When we got there he made me to sit down.

- Ah, you don't have to care about me so much, I can cook for myself.

- I don't care I want to do it - he said and placed a plate in front of me.

- A sandwich? - I laughed and bit one.

- Yeah, it's the only thing I can cook... LOL, did I say cook? I mean make.

- Uhm... - I mumbled.

- And I know you hate fish so there's bacon in it.

I stopped eating for some time.

_He really knew it! Wow!_

- How did you know? - I asked finally.

- A little bird sang to me - he smiled and caressed my head. Then he'd gone out and I was alone.

Later when I've finished with eating I found him in our room.

- What are you doing? - I asked him and he rose a pack.

- I'm packing Christmas-presents - he said.

- Oh, thank you for reminding me, I didn't have time for that! - I yelled and looked for boxes.

- Hey, calm down, here they are - he pointed to a direction where I could find boxes in nearly every size. I sighed and sat down.

- What's this music, man, could you please change it? - I asked as I realized Christmas-songs. I hated them; I thought they are just for making this American Christmas-habit stronger that we _must_ pay fortunes for presents.

- To what? - he asked and stopped the music.

- Hmm... I've never heard your music. And if someone asks me which song of yours do I like best?

- Okay, I have a disc that contains all of them - he said and started a song. It was a guitar-solo and he said it's title was _Frantic Elegance_.

After we've finished it got into my mind that...

_THAT I HAD NO PRESENT FOR KEVIN!_

Suddenly his laptop began tweeting. It was a Skype-call, I was sure. He glanced at me and answered.

- Hai? Ah, konichiwa, Sakura-chan!

_So he was talking to a Japanese girl..._

- Kevin... I know it's your turn today but shall I do the dishes for you? - I asked shyly.

- Oh, ooh, would you...? - he looked at me thankfully.

- Of course, in other case I didn't offer... - I said and went out of the room. As I closed the door I sighed and leaned against the wall. Then I went to the kitchen and did my things. I was thinking of a good present for Kevin and when I have finished I got a great idea. I went to our room and I couldn't find Kevin inside. I quickly packed my _idea_ in a well-sized box and I put paper on it. I wrote _Merry Christmas!_ onto it and lay down on the bed. I could hear that Kevin's songs were still played. I enjoyed listening to them so I let them go. Suddenly somebody knocked on the door.

- Yeah, anyone's that, just come in! - I yelled and the door opened. Kevin stepped into the room.

- Oh, my music? - he asked embarrassed as he came in.

- Uhm, yeah. What do you want? - I asked senseless.

- I just wanted to ask... - he took a break and I looked at him like I didn't understand him. - If you have heard anything of our conversation with...

- Sakura? - I asked and he looked at me with a surprised face.

- Uhm, yes. How...

- Kawaii hime, I can speak some Japanese words. But no, I just heard that you welcomed her.

- Oh - he sat down and watched his feet. - Why did you call me _hime_?

- Because you usually behave like a spoilt eight-year-old princess.

- Her brother broke up with me - he announced dryly

- W... what? - I glanced at him but he still gazed his feet like it was the most interesting thing in his life.

- Hh... I have already told you that I had a boyfriend from Japan, right? - As I nodded slowly he continued. - His sister called me to tell me the bad news that her brother has read an article of me and my girlfriend, cheated on me and wanted to break up.

A new song started at the background and he again stared at his feet. His voice soon began singing _The taste of love is bittersweet..._ but the real him was just sitting in silence.

- It's not Heartbreak Hotel, it's Heartbreak Reality.

- I exactly know how you feel - I said and I found myself grasping my diary.

- How could you know how it feels when somebody you loved unconditionally cheats on you? - he asked hysterically and I could see a teardrop in his left eye. He must have loved that guy if losing him caused this with him.

- Just read this - I stretched the book in my hands in his direction. I wanted to share my deepest secrets with him.

- But... - he opened. - It's your diary! No, I just can't get myself to read anyone else's.

- It's in English, right? - I asked and after his nod I continued. - And also I gave you, I wanted to read you, right? I wanted to know you through your music and now I'm giving you the easier way so Nike.

- What the fuck? - he asked by raising his eyebrows.

- Hh... - I exhaled before saying - Just do it.

- Right here? - he looked at me after checking the first sentence.

- Well, you can stay if you wish - I smiled and pulled the black-purple secessionist-patterned book in front of him. He looked at me before beginning to read it. After the first couple of lines he wanted to finish it but I told him to continue because there will be funny parts too. His facial expressions clearly showed his relationship with the happenings in my life: when I was happy - he was happy but when something bad happened to me his face was even sad or angry. Later as the days became longer and more readable he enjoyed them more and more. After an hour - he was reading the 16th of August then - I went out to the kitchen to make some food. As I went in with the two sandwiches - I had already eaten one - I could see something interesting that I couldn't stand without mentioning.

- Man, are you wearing glasses? - I went closer to him as he looked at me.

- Yes. May you have thought that my iris is able to change colors? I wear contact lenses - he smiled, got up, came to me and hugged me. - I didn't keep reading while you weren't here.

- Okay then, don't you want to continue?

- Wasn't it enough? I know the half of your life - he said but I "forced" him to do. We lay back to the double-bed and he began reading again. Then he got to know my things with Norbi. When he got to the point where I met him he looked at me. I hesitated for some minutes but then I thought that if he have started he should finish it too so I nodded.

He spent fifteen more minutes with reading - he skipped some parts he has already known. After finishing he looked somehow _else_ at me. He knew the most important happenings of my life, he knew what I thought of him day by day...

- And what will you write for today? - he asked by looking at my eyes.

- The truth - I smiled and gave a soft kiss on his right cheek. He smiled at me and touched my nose with his one. His eyes were laughing to mines and I smiled at him. I needed to control myself strongly as not to kiss him but I was successful.

We touched each other's forehead with ours. I knew he thinks of me as a friend but I didn't care, it was enough for me - or at least I wanted to convince myself about it. I didn't really want any men to be in my life. Well, I dint want anyone in my life just friends and family.

- Don't we wanna go out? - he asked finally. - The others may mistake this situa... - The door opened and Amalia stepped in.

- Ah, you two - she smiled and went out of the room.

- Hey, Mom, we just... - Kevin jumped up and followed her. A minute later he came back and said - I tried to explain her but she just smiled. Anyways, Dad told us to take the presents out.

- Ah, 'kay, let's go - I answered and held the boxes. He did the same and as we got to the door he gently opened is for me. When we got out I could see a flash and then Tommy's grin.

- We must keep the illusion of your relationship, guys, so we thought of taking photos of you - he said as we placed the presents under the tree.

We learned some Swedish Christmas-songs with Emily - it was a bit easier for me because at least I knew the tune.

First we had a delicious dinner and then we opened our presents. Everyone got the things he/she had expected except Kevin and I. I knew that the Family will buy me some perfume - I chose it with Amalia. Its scent was red-fruit (lingonberry, strawberry, raspberry, redcurrant and cherry) and I really liked it.

Kevin wanted me to open my present first but I gently passed this chance to the younger one. He glanced me a bit huffily - nearly grinned - but he did. He began opening it slowly. As he raised the nearly-opened box he gazed at me curiously. He couldn't figure out his present from its voice so he placed it down sadly. I edged much closer to him to see his facial expressions in premier plane. He opened the box, glanced in quickly, closed it and grinned at us. He left his right hand inside.

- What did you get? - Emily asked. Kevin slowly pulled his hand out with his new acquisition.

- Do you like? - I asked.

- I love it - he grinned at me and Tommy took a picture of us with his present, Kevin, the reindeer. - But it was your _best friend_, wasn't it?

- Just was, now, it's you - I smiled and he gave me a peck. Now it was my turn to open my present. I cleared the box fast but opened it slowly. As I saw what was inside I jumped at Kevin hugging him. - You really bought? I love you - I said and I burst out in tears.

- Hey, what's that? Girl, don't cry - he hugged me back by lying on the ground under me and caressed my back. - Shh, no problem, I'm here... - he whispered into my ears.

- I love you - I cried in Hungarian so he didn't understand it. - I love you and although... although I know you... you don't feel the same... I... I don't care. I'll... play the role you... you gave me. And... and thanks for everything... thank you... I love you...


	4. Extra - Parts Of Tommy's Diary

Parts of Tommy's diary

- or events behind the scenes

22nd September, 2012.

[...]Today my son wanted to talk seriously with me and he told me that he was... homosexual! Oh, what a ridiculous idea! He's interested in sex with men! My only son! I just can't imagine how he could have made this whole stupidity up... [...]

_many times from_ 22nd September, 2012. _to_ 27th June, 2013.

[...]How could I make him realize that women are better? [...]

23rd September, 2012.

[...]Amalia thinks we should get his friend, Evelina to have a crush on him but... awh, I just think that friends are for being friends and not for becoming girl- or boyfriends. I really do have no idea what should I do... [...]

28th June, 2013.

[...]I have an idea! He loves his sister. I should call a girl for... babysitting her and then ask her to deal with my son when he arrives back from Japan. But for what reason? Oh, never mind, I have time, he will come home only some days before Christmas. [...]

30th June, 2013.

[...]Everyone knew too much but tomorrow I'm meeting a girl from Hungary. I think it's far enough for her not to know us. [...]

1st July, 2013.

[...]The girl's just perfect. She likes metal! \m/ [...]

12th July, 2013.

[...]Happy 18th birthday, Son! [...]

15th December, 2013.

[...]Every fan asks in their letter if we could show the girl to whom "You're The One" was written. I have to find out something soon... [...]

16th December, 2013.

[...]I have to tell her that my son is a bigger star than I am. And that he arrives in a week. Amalia says that if I don't tell her then she will do but he's my son I have to go through this. [...]

22nd December, 2013.

They hate each other! WHY? God, what have I done?! [...]

She could play the role of his girlfriend as to calm the fans down! Knowing the circumstances I do really hope she will take pity on us and play the role... and that they'll get to like one other in a really few time. [...]

25th December, 2013.

[...]They say they're just _friends _but I hope it will turn into something else soon... Also Amalia says she thinks they will fall in love sooner or later but who knows? [...]


	5. 3 - Fallen Between Two Feasts

Chapter Three: Fallen Between Two Feasts

27th December, 2013.

Yesterday we moved to Kevin's apartment and I got to know his lovely puppy, Luna. She was so cute so after moving in I spent the rest time with playing with her.

In the morning I had a lovely breakfast with a lovely man - and then a bit frustrating conversation...

- Mom told me that you frequent that school I used to frequent.

- Ah, really? I didn't know... - I answered.

- Do you like it? - he asked and bit one of the toast I made.

- There are some friendly guys but it's a bitch-class.

- A what? - he asked uncomprehendingly.

- A bitch-class. You know - I began counting the four main types of classes on my left hand -, there are classes where there are many handsome guys, there are classes where there are many bitches, there are classes where there are many geeks and there are classes which are... just... normal. Usually the most classes are averages but in every four or five classes there is one which is a geek, a gigolo or a bitch-class. And mine is the last one.

- Ah, I see.

We continued eating and after we had finished we lay down on the sofa.

- What do you think of cheating on someone? - he asked suddenly with curiosity in his eyes.

- Ah, you ask me this because you know it has happened to me either and you want to hear the same as you think from someone else's mouth?

He thought for a while before nodding slowly.

- Then I won't give you this pleasure but you will be able to hear my own opinion.

He didn't say anything just waited for me to continue.

- You shouldn't think that - as someone who has already been a victim of cheating on someone - I would say that it's a disgusting thing and kill everyone who does but I do think of it in a more... loyal way. - I paused again but he didn't say anything. - At first I think that if you really love someone you just can't get yourself to cheat on him or her, because - although he or she may not be the best in the intimate moments - love is a stronger feeling than the body's desire. On the other hand I still say that it's better to be single than to live in a bad relationship - or in one which is based on lies.

- And what do you mean by this? - he glanced at me.

- Be happy that it has ended because he didn't love you enough.

- Ah... - he said and began staring at his feet again - he didn't want to face his problems, I was so sure. - Oh, shit, I hate men! - he hit his thigh and he looked at me. - Teach me how to deal with women.

- W... what? - I asked by raising my eyebrows.

- Teach me how to deal with women, please.

- Why? - I asked again. I didn't understand his plan yet.

- I always say I'm heterosexual - now I want to try it out.

- You... you have never tried? - I stared at him. I somehow thought he had a girlfriend before who wasn't nice to him and that's why he had chosen men one day.

- Do you want to hear the story of the poor, small Kevin who was always bullied at school?

- Oh, of course - I replied. - I want to know everything about you!

- This will be a long morning as I see...

- Yeah, because in ten minutes you have to be at a practice.

- Oh, is it that time? And how did you know? Ah - he glanced behind himself where he could see his calendar. - Shit, we must hurry - he stood up and went to get his coat on.

- Are you sure you wanna go like _this_? - I asked. As he was wearing pants and a T-shirt he would have looked really funny on the street. - You should take at least a pair of trousers on.

- Yeah, I guess you're right - he said and left to the other direction. - Don't you wanna come? - he asked from the door by pointing at me.

- Ah, aah I can if you wish to - I said as I stood up. I put a pair of black jeans and a purple sweater on fast - I took care of always wearing something colorful - and my Christmas-present I was given by him: the beautiful black corset I saw at the Halo of the Demon five days ago. On my way out I bumped into my ex-roommate.

- Wow, you look great in it - he said.

- First lesson: passed with A+ - I answered by rising my right thumb.

- What kind of lesson? - he raised his eyebrows.

- Of becoming a real man. First lesson for you: say spontaneous compliments to women - they'll love it - especially your fangirls - I added a bit revolted.

- Ookay but now take your shoes on and get into the car quickly - he ordered me and when I showed my tongue he hit the back of my head friendly.

On the way we didn't talk - we were in a hurry. We got there ten minutes later although we left in time to get there in time and there was no traffic jam either. Somehow this day was a bit unlucky.

- Hey, guys, how are you? - Kevin stepped in the room where the members of his band were waiting bored but when we two stepped in they looked at us with a murderous gaze. Kevin ignored their behavior and pulled me closer to him. - Let me introduce you my new roommate and friend, my fake-girlfriend, Beatrix.

- Hi - I said clumsily as I waved them smiling.

- Yohio, you late - again - a guy said. He had a pink stripe in his brown hair and a really characteristic face.

- Sorry, Fredrik, you know, half an hour earlier we had our breakfast and didn't know about the time.

- Ah, you, man, if every time you late I got a dollar... - Fredrik said wondered. We laughed and then Kevin told them to practice some songs before showing them a new writing as an apology.

They played the songs I have already heard when I was packing presents with him but as I could concentrate on them now they sounded somehow different.

- And now a song for my Sweet-Dear Only-One-Girl... who doesn't know at all what happens with her at the moment - he laughed because I totally absorbed in watching his facial expressions as he redefined his own lyrics as he sang and I shivered as he began talking.

The band began playing a typical pop-song with pop-beat and I tried not to show that I didn't really like it.

- Waking up at six a.m. now it's time a... - he sang but he burst out laughing as he saw my incredulous face. - Stop, stop! - he laughed and the music stopped. - Why are you looking at me like this? - he asked and came to me with the microphone.

- Ah, you really sing that you wake up at six in the morning? - I laughed. - Is there anyone who believes it? Next time sing six p.m. - I advised him. - You know when today at eight I tried to wake you up you didn't even notice me just turned to your right side and stopped snoring. - The guys began laughing again; I was sure they knew this habit of him. - This guy sleeps like a real log and he snores awfully - I pointed at him laughing.

- Okay, okay, thank you for your account about my sleeping habits and get to the work again - he grinned and went back to his mic-stand. Now they could play the whole song in one - his guitar-solo was fantastic - and then he asked me about my opinion.

- Man, if I hear you singing this song some more times in the near future I'll become jealous - I joked.

- Don't be jealous, everyone thinks that I wrote this song for my Sweet-Dear Only-One, so you - he lay back on the sofa near me.

- Ah, I see - I answered and secretly I was a bit huffy that the song that was _written for me_ was like a cute cotton-candy-flavored lollipop and not a frantic glam-metal (like Leander - Bound to Belong).

- Trixie, could you please get me some chocolate-cappuccino from the shop nearby? - Kevin asked and pushed some coins in my hand. - And feel free to buy something for yourself as well - he added as I stood up.

I could find the shop easily but I could afford just a strawberry-lollipop because Kevin was a bit mean. Yeah, yeah, I know that offering money for buying anything for myself is generous but he could think of my bottomless stomach as well! J

I got back ten minutes later - they were still sitting on the couches.

- Hi, guys - I went closer and I sat near Kevin. - Here you are - I gave him his chocolate-cappuccino but I was too fast so some brown liquid landed on his white trousers.

- Hey, what are you doing? Ah - he got up angrily - you have just ruined my favorite jeans!

- Hey, heey, cool down! - I tried to calm him down. - I can wash it if you wish to - I said as I held a wet tissue and cleared the blur. - Ah, God, I'm really sorry - I apologized. - I can run home if you wish me to - I said.

- Ah, just don't care of it, it's not as important.

- Are you sure? - I stopped clearing as I looked up at him.

- Yes, yes, you aren't my employee.

- But I am - I said by letting my face down and watching the blur again.

- But you play a role not wash my clothes - he raised my chin and looked in my eyes. - Ah, what flavor is that?

- What? - I asked back because I didn't know what he was talking about.

- Your lollipop. Is it strawberry-flavored?

- I'd say fakeberry - I laughed. He pulled it out of my mouth and placed in his one.

- Ah, it's delicious - he mumbled and I couldn't get him to give me that back more.

At home he didn't let me to cook - he wanted me to talk about women's spirit instead.

- Are you afraid of my food? - I laughed but he looked at me seriously. - Ah, man, look at me, I'm not a typical girl as you can see. I can't really talk about women in general maximum of myself.

- No problem then - he lay back on the sofa near me. - What do you look at on a man at first?

- Hmm... - I thought it over; I was holding my chin as well. - I look at his eyes at first, then his lips, his nose, hair and facial hair. You know as to see whether he's well-groomed or not.

- What can you see on me? - he asked suddenly after a short break.

- Beautiful eyes, beautiful lips, nice nose and wonderful hair - I smiled.

- So you like me? - he looked at the ceiling.

- Ah, man, you know everything - I said. - You've read my diary.

- Really... here's food - he got up and held his purse. - Could you please take it? I don't want everyone to know my address.

- Ookay - I got up as I heard the ring.

The man who was standing in front of me was a bit older than me. He didn't even look at me just said in Swedish:

- Good evening. Have you ordered Chinese food?

- I guess so - I answered and I gave him the money.

- It will cost... ah, thank you - he said and gave me the packs. - Bye.

- Bye, have a nice day! - I smiled and went in.

- God, girl, you... - Kevin started but I stopped him.

- Decide who - I laughed and I placed the two packages on the table. They smelled delicious. - Anyway, what did you want to say? - I turned to him.

- ...you spoke Swedish! - he said finally. In Swedish.

- Yeah, I can speak some as I live here for more than six months... - I sat down and opened a box. - It looks fantastic - I said.

- You're welcome - he sat down too and broke the chopsticks as to use them.

- Ah, really, thank you - I smiled and began eating.

- So if you speak Swedish - he turned back to the topic - why do you use English then?

- Let me see - I looked at him. - My mother tongue is Hungarian and yours is Swedish. It's not fair to use anyone's if we can speak one that we both learned at school. But of course you're still better at.

We continued eating in silence. Some minutes later Luna came there and she asked for her dinner. I glanced at Kevin but I could see that he's daydreaming so I stood up and gave some food for the little black girl. Then I got back and I found Kevin still sitting at the table. He said he wasn't hungry so he let me eat the food he had left.

Then he went to his room and came back some minutes later with his guitar. He sat in front of me.

- What do you want to do? - I smiled.

- I think I owe you a song - he said and he was ready to play his musical instrument.

- No, you owe me nothing but a fakeberry-lollipop - I laughed. Then I didn't laugh when he placed the guitar down, went to the dresser and turned to me with a lollipop - the same type as I have bought.

- Here you are - he said and gave it to me.

- Oh, no, I can't accept. I've already eaten some of that you ate finally.

- Then give it to me... Thanks. - He put the lollipop in his mouth and a minute later gave it to me. - Will it be okay?

- Ah, right, thanks - I accepted and looked at him. - So where's my song? - I smiled.

- Here you are - he said and began to play a melancholic tune and soon he began to sing like a shaman would do. The lyrics were something beautiful and a bit frantic - one of that type of songs I loved.

_Woman In Black Corset_

_She's the girl I always can see_

_She's my venomous elixir;_

_The one who makes me fight against my fears_

_And gives me life instead of dreams_

_But who can give me a death-kiss._

_I know my life is in her hands_

_But I can't get used to the fact_

_That she's the warder of my heart_

_As she makes my dreams fall apart._

_She's the woman in black corset,_

_Dark-haired beauty from the Forest_

_Who dances me the dance of Death_

_With a scythe in her smooth, white hands._

_She's the girl I always can see_

_She's my venomous elixir;_

_The one who makes me fight against my fears_

_And gives me life instead of dreams_

_But who can give me a death-kiss._

_Her amber-eyes and cherry-lips_

_Are made to kill me without kiss._

_As she raises her hand to speak_

_There is no peace in my spirit.._

_Now I can't sleep without her voice,_

_I am one of her insane toys_

_As I join her dancing the Death_

_And I collapse in the Forest._

- Wow, it... it's beautiful - I said as he finished.

- Do you like it? - he smiled with his lovely wide smile. - Ah, halleluiah. I knew you'd be the best to hear it at first.

- Di... didn't you show them? - I raised my eyebrows.

- Just the lyric sheet. I wanted you to hear at first because I was sure your reactions gonna be honest.

- Why should I be dishonest? You must keep me - I laughed.

- I can find a girlfriend of my fans easily.

- But not one like me. They'd find out soon that you have never had any girlfriends.

- Why do you think so?

- Hmm... let me see... - I began counting my reasons on my left hand. - You don't know how to kiss a woman, you can't say spontaneous compliments like a man would do... It would look ridiculous if you wanted to lift them and... you can't look at them like _that_. Your dick is so soft when you look at a woman. A naked woman. And you would act too feminine.

- Do you think so? - he asked. - Do you think that my penis is soft when I look at a woman?

- I'm sure - I grinned. - You also couldn't kiss a woman.

- I have... you're right, I can't. I've never done.

- Heey you don't count me woman? - I laughed but threw a pillow at him.

- No - he laughed too. - You're a great friend, yes, who have been born female but not a woman in my eyes. You're older than me and also... you work for my father and me. You're just someone I love as a friend and has no dick but has period sometimes. That's all I can see when I look at you. And that you have beautiful eyes.

- Ah... aah... I see... but thanks anyway. - I just could hope that I wouldn't...

- You blushed! - Kevin grinned and took a picture of me in spite of my all disagreements. - Ah, you look so cute when you blush - he said and took a picture of us: he was kissing my left cheek.

- Hey, don't provoke me - I laughed and kissed his nose. - Next time it won't be your nose but something else - I winked.

- There won't be next time - he smiled and gave another kiss onto my left cheek.

- Fuck you, hime - I laughed. He lay back and crooned his own song: _Her amber-eyes and cherry-lips / Are made to kill me without kiss..._

- _Why_ did you write this song? - I asked some minutes later. - It's not the type as your old ones.

- When I was in Japan - he began - I had a dream. A dream that I could see several times: I was living in a dysutopic world where a woman dictated. She had long, dark hair and wore black corset. Then at the last night I had this dream again. Now she pointed at me and took me into the forest nearby. While going there I had a vision that she - as a naive girl - came out of the forest. Later, in the forest she began dancing me. She had a scythe in her hands and I knew she was the Death herself but I also really wanted her. I somehow desired her. I joined her dancing, she kissed me and I collapsed in her hands. Then I woke up sweating and panting.

- Man... - I began - Are you wise to the fact that you have died in your dream? - I asked him seriously.

- Yeah and... fuck, I'll be honest with you.

- What do you mean by this? - I asked.

- That... ah, who the Hell's that? - he asked by answering his phone. He was talking for some time then he looked at me after hanging up. - I must go now but I promise I'll come home in time - he grinned. Yesterday we had a debate about going home in time and we agreed that it always means the time you agreed with someone. - I hope it won't take more than one or two hours. So bye now - he said and kissed my forehead.

He took his coat and shoes and went out of the flat. I was alone in his house so I had some time to write into my diary.

Ah, it's five o'clock. He went away two hours earlier and he's nowhere. He hadn't called or... or ANYTHING! I'm worried about him.

I surfed on the net and I found a site where I could buy some books in Hungarian and they can deliver it to Sweden too. Then I realized I had no money for that and I didn't want Kevin to pay it for me - he had already spent enough money on me.

At seven he finally got home. I was about to scold him about his lateness but he pulled a pack of Cheetos and some light coke from behind his back.

- I just wanted to apologize for being late then I thought that we should watch some film. What do you think? - he asked.

- Well... next time take me to cinema! - I laughed. - Do you have a good idea?

- Hunger Games?

- No, I want to read the book first.

- Then Death Note?

- I hate crime.

- Fifty First Dates?

- I have seen several times... wait... it's too romantic for a man! Please, at least try to behave as you was that, 'kay?

- Ah, it's difficult to be a man, it's easier...

- No, women's life is just as bad. But I have decided to make a man out of you and if Lee Shang could make a man out of Mulan then I can make a man out of you too.

- I don't know that - he said. - I haven't seen it.

- Man, you really haven't seen that Disney-cartoon? - I raised my eyebrows.

- No, I didn't really watch cartoons.

- Then next step will be _Being a child again_ in Trixie Training. And no disagreement. We'll watch it now and here - I sat down and took my netbook out. I connected to the internet and soon downloaded the movie in English. - I have seen it in Hungarian - I commented and made him sit down. I started the movie and opened the food.

It was a bit weird to see it in original but I enjoyed and he enjoyed as well. I told him that it was one of my favorite Disney-cartoon and so I made him surprised that Huns are in the movie and I still love it in spite of that.

I crooned all of the songs of the cartoon because I have already seen it at least ten times.

We really got tired after watching the two movies (it took two and a half hours) so we had a bath, brushed our teeth and went to bed.

- Good night, next time we'll watch something you wish - I kissed him on his forehead and went to sleep.

28th December, 2013.

Today I somehow slept longer than Kevin did. Ah, much longer...

- Good morning, Princess - he said when I woke up. - Could you please come to the kitchen?

- Ah, good morning, what has happened? - I asked while getting up.

- Don't ask but come instead - he said and went to the... I'd better to say disastrous place. Smoke everywhere and I could still hear the boiling oil's voice.

- Oh, my God, what have you done? - I arrested him as I went to the window to open it. - Close the fire - I ordered him. I went to the door and closed it as well after we got out. We could only hope that it'll ventilate soon. We sat down on the sofa.

- What did you try to do? - I asked him.

- Some breakfast - he replied. - But next time I'll deal just with sandwiches I promise.

I let out a tiny laughter and then the room became silent. Some minutes later something got into my mind. I wasn't sure if he liked the idea but I thought that I can't lose anything by asking it.

- Hey - I began. - would you like me to cook with you?

- What? - he looked at me.

- Would you like to learn how to cook some base food?

- Ah, aah. If the kitchen's ventilated... we can make a try.

- Then - I continued - we should go shopping.

- How do you know what do I have at home? - he asked by raising his eyebrows.

- It's just one egg and it has been already used I guess - I said and got up. - Hey, don't stare at me, I'm living here as well. Will you come or not?

We didn't go far but to the grocery nearby. The shop-assistant knew us personally and when we paid he gave us one-one extra lollipop of that piece of heavenly sweets. Kevin wanted to pay for them but he didn't let him.

- It's your post-Christmas present - and your girlfriend's - he winked.

- She's just a friend - Kevin said immediately but I just blushed.

- Ah, I see - he smiled and as I went out he winked at me and I blushed a bit stronger again. It was a bit... ahh, really exciting to hear that others call us a pair.

- Who was that? - I asked Kevin when we got out of the building and he had already put his girlish sunglasses on. I still couldn't get used to the fact that he's using that.

- Uhm? Ah, Amalia's brother, didn't you know? - he asked back.

- That he exists and works in a grocery?

- That he runs a grocery - he corrected me. - Ah, I can remember that just some years ago I usually came here for getting some cigarette and spirits. He always scolded me for doing that but gave me what I wanted as well. Ah, nice old times...

- So he let you smoke like a factory chimney? - I opened my eyes widely.

- No. - He opened the door of the building which contained our flat. - He said I could only buy one package a month and I observed his rules. I - he opened the second door which belonged to the flat -, you know, just smoked when I was really anxious or nervous. And also I delivered alcohol to parties and... - he stopped for a while for thinking things over. - And there was one, only one moment when he shouldn't have given me something. Hh - he shook his head and fell onto the sofa.

- Do you wish to talk about? - I sat near him. I was prepared for _no_ and as I was a great spiritual dustbin I didn't want to force him but he thought it somehow else.

- I've already told you that I had a crush on the singer of my band and vice versa, right? - I nodded and he continued. - Eh, that day we had a practice at our previous house. He stayed there with me and before watching a film I stupidly promised him to buy some vodka because... he wanted to watch porn and... I just didn't want. We were drunk... and... and I kissed him. But now I regret it because...

- Ugh, I imagined two skinny, blonde guys kissing nakedly - I commented revolted.

- He's black-haired and we weren't naked - he said and I knew it felt bad for him. - Anyways, don't we wanna cook?

- Uhm - I mumbled as I stood up and went to the kitchen. He followed me and we began making the easiest food that I could imagine and was just a bit more difficult than a simple sandwich - heated sandwich á la oven.

We didn't communicate just when we needed - like _give me some more bread, please_ and so one. He spread breads quite skillfully but slicing tomatoes was a bit less easy for him.

We put the sandwiches into the oven. I told him to take care of it but - I wasn't sure if he just didn't care or was really clumsy but - he dried it out and it became inedible.

Our next project was that - he said once - heavenly semolina-pudding that I was the only one who was able to make.

I rinsed out the pot and I put one liter of milk in it. Then I put eight spoons of semolina and one spoon sugar in a plate. I scalded the milk then I told Kevin to stir the semolina into the milk and not stop until I tell him to do. Of course he didn't listen to me and the pudding became lumpy and of course he nearly boiled it over.

We flavored food with some lingonberry-jam and we tasted it. I could see on his face that he loved it but he was too proud to accept it and especially to tell it to me.

- Are you hungry? - I asked him suddenly - I didn't know, why.

- No - he passed rigidly. I knew there was something that ticked him awfully off that he didn't either communicate with me.

- What the Hell's wrong with me? - I questioned and stood up.

- Nothing - he replied.

- Then why are you doing this to me?

- What am I doing to you? - he asked back without even looking at me.

- See, that's I have been talking about! You absolutely know that we have to act like one pair and...

- So your problem is that I sometimes want to live my real life? - he asked angrily.

- No, my problem is that - imagine - I'm not an actress, I'm a human being with story and feelings; I want to help you and you don't even say a pale _thanks_ for my work! - This second part of the sentence directed his attention on me as much as he stood up. - I don't know how to relate to you - I cried yet without tears. - Once you're nice to me then you hate me. It's not easy to play the role of a loving girlfriend if I know that you hate me!

- So you think that I hate you? - He came closer to me and I went backwards as he stood into my intimate sphere - until I have reached the wall and he pushed his body close to mine. He even talked to me from as small distance that I could feel his breath on my face. The haze sprang out in sparkling drips on my lips. - Do you think I'd do this if I hated you?

- You would - I answered - because you exactly know that you cause pain to me.

- What? - he asked and jumped a meter back.

- Man, you've read my diary - I said. - Can't you remember of this part?

- Ah, aah, I've skipped some things I thought I wouldn't find interesting...

- Ah - I placed my face in my left palm. - God, man, you really skipped that I wrote I loved you at least three times?

- Decide who - he smiled but when he saw my face that wasn't happy at all he became serious again. - I thought it's just friendly love or fangirl-love.

- Ah? - I opened my eyes widely. - You know, I hate that you behave like a fucking star.

- Huh? - he scraped his nape.

- You think that every person who's around you is whether work for you or your fanatic. Fame came too early into your life.

He looked at me with raised eyebrows and said:

- I was born into fame, my grandfather was a musician as well. Ah, and no, you're not right, I do know what does friendship means. I just... I don't know, I'm so confused nowadays - he said and sat down. - Sorry if I sometimes lose control. It's just... weird that a week ago I was coming home from my boyfriend from Japan and today I'm cooking with a girl who's living with me and...

- Who's in love with you? - I asked and he nodded. - Believe me, it's not easy either for me - I sighed. - A week ago I was working with your sister and little did I know about you. I was crying after my ex and watching romantic films with ice-cream in my spoon.

- Ah, I can remember - he laughed. - You must have looked funny.

- Yeah, I hues so - I laughed too. - Hey, you have bunny-teeth.

- Are you sure? - he grinned widely and so I could see his cute teeth better.

- Yeah, but they're cute - I smiled.

- I don't want to be cute in your eyes. You'd deserve a husky and... ah just simply masculine man to live with.

- Then why don't you do something for the case?

- Because... ah, I don't know I've never thought of this. I haven't been to a gym since I've finished school two years ago.

- Okay so what if tomorrow I took you to one?

- Are you sure? - he raised his eyebrows. - I can't even lift ten kilograms.

- Ah, sorrowful case but that's the problem that we have to work on. Then we should do some exercises at home. But let's watch a film before. And yeah, you choose now.

- Well... then Koizora - he said with a voice that doesn't allow disagreement.

- Koi... what? - I raised my eyebrows. - Don't slang my mother!

- Ah? No, Koizora is the title of the film. In English it's Sky Of Love. But... there's a tiny problem: it takes six hours...

- And? - I asked.

- And? And it's an emotion-bomb.

- One more cause for not watching it. - He raised his eyebrows and opened his eyes widely. - You've heard well - I said.

- But you've promised - he cried childishly. - I'm not going to love you anymore!

- Eh? - I asked but when I saw his face I burst out in laughter. - Okay, okay, be happy, but could we please do some exercises after the first hour?

- But... ah, compromise, I understand. So, come - he said and turned on the TV. Soon I could see Japanese people on the screen. I absorbed in the film completely and after an hour I didn't let him pausing it.

We were watching it at one time - I just held drinking- and toilet-breaks - and at Hiro's funeral I cried - although I do never cry on films or books (I'd better say rarely) and I have expected it to happen and happen like this but it was so emotional that I couldn't do without crying.

29th December, 2013.

_Would you mind doing me a favor?_

A small piece of paper written with this was waiting for me in my diary this morning.

- Keeeviiiiiiin! - I screamed as I found the paper. Then I could hear a glass crashing the ground. A few seconds later my door opened and Kevin stormed in.

- What's the matter? - he asked uncomprehendingly. - I was doing the dishes when I heard you yelling. So?

- YOU FISHED AROUND IN MY DIARY? - I got up from the bed in a simple long tee which I'd bought in Venice nearly three years ago.

- What are you talking about? - he asked again - he really didn't know.

- About this - I showed him the paper. - I found it in my diary this morning when I tried to write yesterday down.

- You write your diary in the morning? - he opened his eyes widely.

- I see you got the essence. So, what do you have to say for yourself?

- It's locked and you keep the keys in your neck with a cross, how could I get them and open this... stuff? Uh?

- You know more things than you should... - I said with played seriousness.

- Ah, come on, it's evident! And I just clumsily pushed between two random pages! I wasn't sure if I'd be at home when you wake up. Ah... - he took his phone out and read something quickly.

- Why, where are you going?

- Eh... - he smiled clumsily and raised his palms as to say _he couldn't go against his father's wish_ while he showed me the message he got.

An hour later we were sitting on the couches of the practice room - we were sipping cappuccino and hot chocolate and talking about useless things. Meanwhile I was thinking of that someday I'll have to show up with Kevin and I wasn't a suitable actress yet.

- What do you think? - Fredrik asked me.

- Oh, sorry, me? Oh, my God, I was daydreaming, it's so awkward...

- He was just asking your opinion about my new song - Kevin whispered into my ears. - They haven't heard it yet.

- Ah, the _Woman in Black Corset_? - I asked. - It's beautiful...

- Shall I show? - he asked to save the situation. He felt awkward too I was sure.

Then he began playing the guitar and I couldn't concentrate on anything else just him. When he got to the first line of the last verse Tommy sat near me and touched my shoulder.

- Do you think you'll be able to do it? - he asked fatherly.

- I hope so. You know, I don't like to lie.

- Then imagine it's an act. You're doing the same now, ain't you? - And he began clapping because his son has finished his show...

- Thoughts? - Kevin asked when we were at home yet.

- Oh, nothing yet. You should at least help a bit as I'm writing it in _your_ name! - I sighed one. - Ah, my God, sorry for raising my voice. My belly aches a lot and it makes me nervous...

- Your tiny belly... - he sat near me and caressed my abdomen even with knowing that I had my legs drawn on the sofa and an exercise-book was lying in my lap. - Do you need something?

- Some Aspirin and a timetable of yours since you were at the Carnival of Venice.

- Right, some minutes and you'll get them - he said.

- And all of the public lyrics you've ever written with concrete date.

- Why? - he asked from the kitchen. I waited until he came back with a pill and a glass of water.

- Thanks - I said and took the medicine. - Because song's lyrics always tells about the writer's inner world and usually has more meaning than what is written down and I want to use them... as something that the story explains. 'kay?

- Of course. I'll check my deadline-diaries and write information down for you.

Some minutes later he came back with three books and we began checking for useful information for Our Fake Story...

30th December, 2013.

Studio works and I wrote timetable so we didn't communicate much today.

31st December, 2013.

Although it's New Year's Eve today we didn't go to Sebbie's party because I got ill and he didn't want to go without me. I cough awfully although I have practiced a lot.

1st January, 2014.

Happy New Year.

2nd January, 2014.

Writing an essay about _We should only buy food that is produces locally_ for English lesson. It would be okay if it wouldn't have to be 300 words and I didn't begin today. Kevin tried to help me but after 150 words we failed and I had to write about agriculture and shopping habits as well.

School begins in a week... ah, I can't wait for its final end.

3rd January, 2014.

Better today. I began writing the story of Our Fake Love today. We couldn't name the story yet because - of course - it's easier to name something you know.

I also practiced some Maths and Grammar (English, of course).

4th January, 2014.

Luckily it was just a weak cold that attacked me some days ago and today I was fine... more or less. Ah, it's funny to write drunken...

Why am I drunken? The story: When I woke up today Kevin was waiting for me halfly-dressed.

- Morning - he said and gave me a heated sandwich. - Today you're coming with me to the studio.

- Why? - I asked between two bites. - Man, you didn't mess it! 'grat!

- Thanks - he replied. - Yesterday I told Dad that you began writing and he's interested in. Isn't it a problem?

- Ah, no problem. Should I get dressed?

- Sure - he said. - But I think many people would enjoy more if you came nakedly - he winked and went to his room before I could throw something after him. Nowadays it became my habit that if he said something saucy I dashed the nearest unbreakable stuff against him.

Some minutes later - when I have finished eating - I found him in my room choosing clothes.

- Isn't it a problem if I choose clothes for you today?

- It isn't but... what are you wearing? - I opened my eyes widely.

- A pink tee...

- Trixie Training lesson four: real men don't wear pink.

- I'm a pinkyboy, why can't you accept it? - he asked angrily.

- No, your _image_ is a pinkyboy but what are you deep inside? That's all I can't figure out yet...

- And what are _you_ inside, because I'm sure you aren't that mulish girl who you seem to be!

- Then who am I? Could you please explain me, Mr. Iknoweverything?

- Call me once more like this and I swear I'll take you to a psychologist!

- Then come on, try to take me! - I yelled and he took me by waist. He bent closer to me and whispered with his murderous, low voice nearly touching my lips with his. I didn't break, didn't let him the pleasure to see me broken apart.

- Then I'll take you and you can do nothing with...

- I need no psychologist to get to know myself or you.

- Then why don't we know each other? - he queried but I could see that he's just curious of my answer.

- Because I don't let you to know me and you don't let me to know you.

- Then you'd need a psychologist.

- I need no psychologist - I said and I thought I finished our argument as well. But he was regrettably sure and I needed.

Tommy was satisfied with my work but nothing interesting has happened at the studio.

At half past four we were sitting at his psychologist's waiting room.

- Are you sure you want this? - I asked but he was inflexible. Some minutes later we went into the surgery. We introduced ourselves and sat onto his comfortable sofa.

- So, why are you here? - he asked smiling.

- Let me speak first - Kevin whispered to me. - Have you heard about my relationship?

- Of course - he replied and we understood that he knew it wasn't real.

- We're having a problem with that.

- Could you please explain it better? - he asked.

- Ah, I think I could... - I said shyly. I knew Kevin could be mad about...

- Then let's hear. How would you describe your relationship? - the psychologist asked.

- Like... I don't really know, maybe like... a sea...

- Uhm... - he nodded slowly but respectfully.

- Two people in two boats in the sea... going to the same direction. - I could see it has shocked him but he still listened to me. - One has a sail and one has an engine with fuel for the half way long. They are going together on two boats. Sometimes wind blows and then the one with the sail goes further but when there's calm then the other reaches the first. The boats are small. What do you think they should do?

- Sit into one's boat of course.

- Yes, you're right. Going on their own boat symbolizes the people's proudest. The bigger their proudest is the smaller their boat is. If they sat into the other boat they would give up their proudest but they don't know if weather the boat grew or not. They know they should take the engine or the sail into the other boat but they cannot decide which to choose and so - they suffer from not going further.

Now I could see that the psychologist was... amazed on my precise presentation.

- I don't really understand it - Kevin said.

- But it was a beautiful simile - the psychologist answered. - She described everything perfectly. It's the typical case of that kind of relationships where the participants have to reach a goal together but they want to do it on their owns.

- Let me explain in your language - I inserted. - Imagine we are two musicians.

- It's not difficult - he laughed but I looked at him seriously so he shut up.

- So musicians. One plays the guitar and one the drums - in two different styles as well as not to make their lives easier. One is famous as Yohio and one is as...

- Hentai? - he asked with a small laughter but he again saw me serious. - Baka? - he asked again but again I looked at him murderously. - Hime! - he said finally and I sighed as an acceptation - that he's so childish today.

- So they both have their own name and style - that I have to say is close to each other and can be mixed - but they don't want to give their independence up. Also the guitarist would need some rhythm and the drummer some tune in their music. What should they do? They should co-operate. What are they doing? Nothing. Proudest - humanity: 1-0.

- See, now I understand it much better - Kevin said and boxed into my shoulder.

- You're welcome. The real problem is - I turned to the psychologist - that we don't let each other to get to know the other one. And it's not easy to work together like _this_...

- Compromises - he said. - Nothing else but compromises and opening. Try to write your feelings down, try to sit down and speak about yourselves. You have to solve it together, guys. You're a pair, ain't you? - he smiled and let us go.

- What would you like to do now? - Kevin asked when we stepped at the street.

- I wouldn't mind drinking a beer... - I said. I wasn't sure if he liked the idea but he held my hand and pulled me to a direction. Soon we got to a well-known area of the town.

- Hey, shouldn't we go somewhere else? - I asked.

- Why? - he pursed his eyebrows.

- You know... my classmates usually come here and it would be better if we didn't meet them.

- Oh, students are usually at home these days - especially when they have to write an essay for Mrs. Anderson's lesson - he grinned and pulled me.

We went into the pub - he didn't take his sunglasses off - and as we stepped in I could hear a girl screaming and a second later I could feel a hug and I couldn't see anything.

- Ah, Carina, hi... - I panted as the tall girl let me breathe again.

- Hi, what are you doing here? I thought you'll stay at home and write your essay... come, join us!

We couldn't do anything against, we had to sit to their table.

- Hi, guys, let me introduce you Kevin...

- Hey, Beatrix... - Carina said. - Could you come, please?

- Oh, of course...

We went to the restroom together and she bean interrogating me.

- Who's this guy?

- I've told you: his name's Kevin.

- And why did you hold his hand? Hmm? - she asked curiously.

- Ah, so did I? I haven't realized...

- So?

- He's... - I felt I blushed. I also checked my face and I was right. My luck was that Carina couldn't see me because she peed.

- You've just broken up with Norbi - She came to wash her hands. -, you shouldn't begin a new relationship so fast.

- But I... ah, your make-up is perfect, we should check if the others are alive - I said and we went back.

Kevin tried to ignore my classmates' idiot questions but he was unlucky: they wanted to know everything about him. Fortunately he was still wearing his glasses but they wanted to beg it off.

- Ah, no, I can't take it off - he disagreed -, because...

- Because he had an eye-operation a month ago - I continued because I saw he couldn't think of any useful objection. I hated myself for lying but I had to save his life now. - And now he has to wear his special light-filtered glasses.

- But it's lamp-light in here - one said.

- Everywhere - I added fast. - Have you tried to get some drink? - I asked Kevin and he nodded. I sat near him and tightened his hand.

_Oh, my God, it has began, help us to survive!_

- How did you meet the class's old maid, Kev? - Eric asked after we have had our second beer.

_Don't mess it up, don't mess it up, don't mess it up..._

- Actually we have known each other for nearly three years. We have met at the Carnival of Venice in 2011. We just simply bumped into each other - _Halleluiah. So he knows._ - It was funny because we first thought that the other's Italian 'coz she apologized in Italian at first. Then I told her I didn't understand - _Okay, small change, it's allowed, actually I said "Scusi, signorina" = Sorry, Miss_ - and we burst out in laughter.

They all absorbed in _Our Fake Story_ (it's simply funny to write it down) so Kevin had to continue his oral report of the story we made up together.

- Then I introduced myself - she as well - and I offered her a coffee at a café.

- It was a bit weird because I was there with school I have just lost my tiny group and so I explored the city alone - I added.

- We began talking at the café and it turned out that we get on very well and understood each other so we changed Messenger-address - yes, we used that yet - and facebook. We were chatting long hours nearly every day and I was enthusiastic when she said they would move to Sweden - _Okay, he was silent about the part "And one day - I think it was that when she told me she met someone she really liked - I realized I loved her." No mistake can appear from now on_. - Then I got a Skype-call. It was her - her eyes were cried out. I have never seen her like that. Since then I haven't. She told me her mother wanted to re-marry someone Trixie didn't even know. Those days I was in another country - I was really sad I couldn't welcome her in Stockholm airport - but I tried to calm her down. Then it turned out that they moved to Sundsvall. I asked her if she have realized that I was living here. She smiled while her tear-flow didn't end and she asked me if I believed in chance.

- And what did you say? - the other girl, Vanessa asked.

- That I didn't - he said and looked deeply in my eyes.

- And then? - Van asked again. She was even more curious than Carina.

- Then? - Kevin asked. He didn't really concentrate on the story yet but on someone's eyes... - Ah, you know that her mother have... and so the wedding was cancelled... and... she couldn't go anywhere so... I offered her to stay at my flat but then - as I've already said - I was abroad so Dad could give accommodation for her. Then I came home so she could move to me.

- You live together? - Van asked.

- Uhm... yeah - he said.

- And you're friends - Gustav added.

- Yes - he agreed as it was the most evident thing of life. - Ah, come on, she's like my sister!

- Ah, so you wanna fuck your sis - Christian laughed.

- Sorry, what? You really think that I'd like to... oh, no, no, no, no, NO! - he raised his voice. - I'd never do that! What do you think of me?

- That you're a... how old exactly are you?

- Eighteen.

- Oh, are you an eighteen-year-old virgin or what? Man, if you live together with a girl I'm sure you'd love to fuck her!

- Hey, what do you think of me? Have you ever heard of the word _friendship_?

- Yes, in disgusting romances - he said repulsed.

- Ah, please, shut up! - he stood up and if I didn't touch his hand he would jump on Chris and would show them how weak he is.

- Kevin, I think now we should...

- No, I think Chris should go home - Eric said. - You don't have to damage the temper.

- Ah, okay, sorry for living - he said and went for his coat - then he left.

- Sorry, he sometimes drinks more than he should and he's an aggressive drunk.

- Oh, never mind - I said and hit his shoulder friendly. - I'll go and get one more round.

- Don't deal with it, it's on me - Kevin said and went for a new round.

- Aaah - the girls came closer. - He's so cute!

- You must sit on his dick tonight, baby - Carina said.

- Heey - I laughed. I knew her, she always thought of sex but fortunately for herself she was interested in only Eric and no one else. - As he has already told we're bro and sis - I grinned.

Meanwhile he came back and placed a pack of beer in front of me.

- Could someone help bringing the rest? - he asked and pointed to a crate of Heineken with his head. Only one missed - that was in front of me.

- Hey, what are you doing? - I asked. I knew that Scandinavian people like alcohol but this much?

- No problem, I stand beer very well - he sat down and gave a kiss onto my left cheek.

- Do you remember what it's like to be drunk? - I whispered to him.

- I don't care I want to get fucking drunk today! - he said and opened my beer. He drank from it and gave into my hands. - Just drink, please.

- Promise me you will remember this tomorrow...

- I swear you I will - he said as he gave a kiss on my nose.

_I will regret this day or you will..._

We have had some more beers while telling amusing or even saucy stories about ourselves - and sometimes each other as well. Of course Eric didn't neglect telling the others my lost-story - again.

- And when I told her she was damned lost she said that I didn't have to remind her.

- Because you really didn't - I laughed. Alcohol began carving its impact.

- You know - Kevin inserted - it's not easy to get lost in Sundsvall...

- Ah! - I said with played seriousness. - I was living here for only two months!

- And you didn't remember the way from Dad's house to the hospital? - he asked.

- My step-father took me there on car and he went home before me - I wanted to talk to her. I didn't think it would be my last talk with her... - A teardrop left my left eye.

- Ah, don't re-begin... - Kevin hugged me. I pressed my face to his chest. It was skinny so I could feel his ribs. There were no muscles on his chest. Absolutely no muscles.

- I'm not crying just something got into my eyes... - I said.

- Then okay - he raised my chin and looked into my eyes. Then he hugged me again and began a story as to make the situation less awkward. - Have you ever thrown an egg on someone? - he asked from the others.

- No but you gave me a good idea what to throw at you next - I laughed.

- I just asked because when once I was in Japan we had a food-battle with friends - don't ask me how did it begin - and when we couldn't find anything creamy enough we began throwing eggs on each other.

- And why is it funny? - I asked.

- Because then we had to pay a fortune to the shop-owner - he said and everyone began laughing - including me.

- And what about when we were at party last summer? - Eric asked. - Mario was really drunk, more drunk than he usually was - Now Mario hid his face with his palms. He knew the rest of the story yet and he wasn't proud of it. - and he asked a girl if she had any coins. Then she said she hadn't and he asked her if she wanted to suck for coins!

- Ah, don't tell this story to everyone all the time - Mario said. - The spot where she has slapped me still hurts!

We laughed again and then I drank from Kevin's beer because mine has dried up. I dried it up. I think we should have finished it then but - of course - we opened a new pack. We were young, strong and we thought we stood alcohol better.

- Did you know that beer - Van laughed - makes girls - laughter again - bitches?

She thought she could say something _cool_ that makes her sound smart but I have already heard it from... Tara. She always knew everything better than I did - I also wasn't silly.

- Yes, it makes - I laughed - especially girls like you!

- Haha, you're right - she joined. She was sitting in Patrick's lap and now she kissed him.

- Is she always like this? - Kevin whispered into my ears.

- Hah, yes, usually. But he's her bf.

- Bf? - he asked louder.

- Boyfriend - I laughed. - I'm the only girl in the company who's single. That's why they call me old maid.

- But you have someone - he said so silently that no one could hear just me.

- You know that it's not what they have - I answered.

- Who knows? - he asked - mainly from himself. - Who knows...

It was nine in the evening when we left the pub. We drank at least five or six beers per person; I'm not sure of counting well because we always drank in each other's.

On the way home we tried to chat but it wasn't really easy because both of us were drunk so we mainly spoke on our mother languages. Of course I understood more of Swedish than him of Hungarian. I didn't let him to get on a bus because I was sure we vomited if we even so had done that. It was better to vomit on a bush than on a bus. Also walking was healthier and cold air cleaned our head a bit.

- Here - I gave him some snow. - It's clean, clear your mouth. Do you need a chewing gum as well?

- Yes, please - he said and did what I supposed him to do. Then we began chewing the gums to make our mouth smell bearable.

Some minutes later we got near a playground.

- I have never realized this - I said. - Do you think the swing is usable?

- You should make a try - he smiled and held my hand again. We went to the swings (there were two next to each other) and I kicked the frame as to clean it from snow - the majority landed on me and the rest on Kevin. We looked at each other and began laughing. Then we swept the snow down from the seats and tried the swings. They worked perfectly even in this great snow too. Poor toys creaked thankfully - no one has used them since snow fell down.

- Haha, discounting vomiting it was the best night since I moved to you - I told Kevin when we left the playground.

- But counting with that I hope you will have only better days and nights with me - he said and threw a snowball on me.

- Heey - I laughed. - You'll repent doing this! - And I threw a hard snowball on him. We began a snowball battle - the one who got home with getting more scores won. It was me and when I stuck my tongue out he shoved me into snow as to bathe me; but he wasn't careful enough: I grasped his coat as I fell so he landed on me. He looked at my eyes and a second later he tenderly breathed a soft kiss onto my dry, purple lips. I knew my moment has arrived and it wouldn't wait much - it escapes before I could hesitate more - so when his head left mine followed and I gave a kiss onto his lips. Then everything happened fast: he looked at my eyes, closed his ones and our kiss-battle began.

- Never a better day - I said and as an answer he kissed my neck. He sometimes chewed my lower lip as well and so did I. He pressed his right hand into my hair while I slid my hands under his coat and pullover and tee and began caressing his waist. Van was right - beer made a bitch of me. Then I woke up. Haha, no, of course it wasn't a dream. So some heavenly minutes later his lips finally left mines. He lay near me and held my hand.

- Promise me - I said and I stopped for a breath. _Yeah, promise me._ - Promise me that you'll never release my hand.

He turned his face to me. I could see such twinkle in his eyes that I have never before. Could he look like this when he was in love?

- I can't promise if you don't promise either - he answered and grinned widely. Both of us knew that it had compared promising. - We should go don't you think?

He tried to get up and help me up as well but I drag him back with my 60 kilos. I had to help him when I finally got up. We were going home with pink cheeks and not just because wind stung our face but also because we blushed when we kissed and since it hasn't ended. At home he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him - I would have been a fool for refusing. Now he's cutely sleeping near me and I guess I should meet him at dreamworld.

5th January, 2014.

Tonight was the longest night of my life. I woke up sweating and panting right after midnight and I breathed heavily. I had a nightmare that I wanted to get off my chest. In that very moment when I could think these over Kevin woke up as well. He looked even worse than I so I cleaned his forehead with my tee.

- Good morning - he welcomed me.

- Better - I answered and added: - And it's just midnight yet. Are you fine? Don't you need a hot bath? You looked awful when I saw you.

- Really? No, I don't want to have a bath, then I think I'd fall asleep again. I'm really tired.

- But you should clean this off your body - I said. - I'll knock on the door every five minutes and talk to you if you wish to as to keep you awake.

- Ah, thanks. I'll finish in ten minutes but please knock five minutes later from now.

He gave a kiss on my forehead and went for having a hot but short shower and I changed his bedclothes. Then he came out with wet hair and I went for having a shower. I finished sooner than him - even with washing my hair and searching my oversized, torn Jack Daniel's T-shirt - and when I went back he had already dried his mane.

- You look like a lion - I laughed at him.

- And you look like a soaked dog - he smiled and hugged me.

- Could... - I hesitated while he lay back. - Could we talk? - I asked finally.

- Of course, come - he punched the bed near him. - So, what do you want to share? - he asked when I lay comfortably yet.

- I had a nightmare... - I began. - Everyone including me was wearing antique Venetian clothes and a mask on their face. Then a man invited me for a dance and I accepted. It was a waltz and I loved it. Later we went...

- To the garden, you took the masks off because you didn't see anything, you kissed him while dancing and he died. I know, I have dreamt the same...

- How...

- Listen - he inserted. - I have to tell you something... Hh... You remember I was having a returning dream about a dysutopic world. The woman I saw in my dreams was... you.

This piece of news was so shocking that I couldn't even close my mouth.

- Yes, I'm sure, I am so sure like I am lying next to you. - He held me by waist and gave a kiss on my shoulder. - You looked the same as her when I made your make-up for Evelina's party. I wanted to be sure, that's why I made your make-up like hers. And the corset you saw at the Halo of the Demon was exactly the same as you wore in my dreams. These signs have shown me that that you are a part of my destiny.

- Just a part? - I asked before kissing him.

- Oh, no, you're right... - he said between two kisses. - _You_ are my destiny...

We have been kissing for many countless minutes when he wanted to undress me.

- Oh, no... - I disagreed, took his hands off my waist and pulled my tee back to my abdomen. - You... shouldn't be so fast...

- Why? - he asked, began kissing my neck and slid his hands under my T-shirt.

- For example because I have just known that you love me? And... - my voice became sad.

- What's that? - He finished kissing me everywhere and now looked at my eyes. - What's the matter? Huh? - he caressed my face. - It would be the first for me either.

- No, it's not that... I'm not virgin yet.

- Are you sure? - he asked. He couldn't believe that I was a human being and I had a life before I met him.

- No, I'm not, I just think that someone has fucked me, I wasn't there - I answered a bit angrily. He could really drive me mad sometimes.

- Oh, sorry for being so silly. So? What did you want to say?

- You know... After making love with my ex once I didn't need it as much as before because "Yay, I've lost my virginity!" and so one. I knew the feeling and it wasn't that I expected it to be. So... he couldn't really get me to do it again. We also had... problems with the condom so... I didn't want to live through that stress once more. And it also was at my seventeenth birthday. A year later - as you could read - he broke up.

He stared at me. He couldn't believe that I was in a relationship with somebody for one and a half year and we made love just one time.

- He was an asshole to cheat on you. You deserve better - he said finally.

- So if you had a girlfriend - I grinned playfully - and she didn't wanna fuck you because of a bad memory - could you stand?

He was thinking for some time before answering.

- I would make her forget that fucking memory - he grinned at me.

- But not now - I said and stood up.

- Hey, where are you...?

- Good night - I said, kissed his forehead and went to sleep.

In the morning I woke up before him so I could repay his kindness: after writing down the nightmare-stuff I made some breakfast so I didn't owe him any more favors. I think now we are in equality. He gives me accommodation and mainly living and I play his girlfriend - we're simply saving each other's lives. I was nearly ready with setting the table when Kevin lumbered into the kitchen.

- Good morning - he said as he saw me.

- Better - I answered constantly to my good habit.

- What are you doing? Huh?

- Mainly food for you. What do you wish to eat?

- Let me think... ham and eggs?

- Okay, wait a minute... - and I began preparing the eggs.

- What would you eat? - he asked and I stopped for a minute.

- Er... some muesli with forest-fruit and peach-yoghurt.

- It sounds interesting. Have you ever tried?

- Oh, of course - I said as I put the eggs in the pan. - Shall I fry on one or two sides?

- It doesn't matter - he answered so I turned it upside down. Meanwhile he made me the breakfast I was longing for so when I finished we both went at food. Then he totally woke up and stared at me. - Do you remember for yesterday?

- Uhm - I said. - I wrote down everything. Why?

- Because I can't remember anything... - he answered and - although he was a great actor - I was sure he didn't lie.

- Oh... - I said and placed my face in my palms. - No, no, no... - I whispered to myself.

- What's the matter? - he asked and came to me, then hugged me friendly.

- Oh, nothing... - I answered and was scolding myself for thinking that he really loved me and we could be really together. So our act will continue and he'll never know he confessed that he loved me - or just alcohol spoke of him?

- Hey, are you fine? - he asked when he saw me staring the ground.

- Yeah, yeah, I was just thinking...

- About? - he looked at me seriously. There was no escape, I knew I had to tell him.

- Are you interested in? - I asked. I was ready to go and bring my diary there.

- Do you think I should be interested in? - he asked.

- Yes, if you don't want to get some surprises while going on the street - I smiled.

- What have I done? - he asked apprehensively. - Have I... lost... my...

- No, but nearly - I replied.

- With whom? - he asked. I could see that twinkle again in his eyes. - Hey, you always note everything in your diary...

- Nice revelation... - I commented. - Are you sure you're interested in?

- Oh, of course - he grinned so I went into my room.

- Don't you wanna come? - I turned back and he followed me. Then he sat down on my bed and I sat near him. I opened the book at the right page and gave into his hands. I pointed at the line which he should begin with. - Be careful, some pieces of information may shock you.

- Oh, don't fear me I can handle with too much information - he said and began reading. - Oh, I can remember your classmates, they were a bit childish but friendly as well.

He continued reading until he reached the point where he began telling the others his story with the eggs.

- Oh, have I really told them these? - he looked at me and I nodded.

- But they still think you're a normal person just like they are.

- Oh, calming news... - he said and read further. He didn't even stop again 'til he could read about our first real kiss. Then he looked painfully at me and I had to nod with a serious face to make him follow the storyline. When he finished with the part about our dream as well he closed the book and looked meaningfully in my eyes.

- I thought I have just dreamt these.

- Being drunk is like dreaming - I commented.

- I'm sorry you had to realize it like this. And that I made you doing all these. We should really be those in the book. Two naive lovers enchanted by the other who have met three years ago and just simply want to be happy with each other. You'd deserve this. And what do you get? An act that gets some feelings after a while.

I didn't say anything just hugged him. He let me to do, actually he hugged me back and we didn't talk about it later. It was our silent agreement that we try to forget these and begin like we could have a future together - as acting friends. We both wanted it to be just work-contact (or maximum friendship) that connected us and nothing more.

6th January, 2014.

Happy Epiphany. Today the three kings came to Spanish children and the Befana to the Italian ones. I'm sure if I were Italian I got many carbon this morning - it wouldn't even be enough space for them in the flat. But as I'm Hungarian (living in Sweden) I got nothing this morning just... ah, some of my favorite breakfast and a glass of orange juice - with a small sunshade topping.

- Good morning - Kevin said as I woke up. He was sitting next to my bed and when I wasn't turning yet he placed the tray in my lap. - And buon apetite.

- Oh... ooh... at first: better. Secondly: wow, thanks - I smiled and gave a kiss onto his right cheek. He blushed and I was really disappointed I couldn't make a photo of him like this - because he didn't let me pulling his phone out of his hands. - And how did I earn this? - I asked when I have finished with my divine meal.

- You're the best girlfriend-actor I have ever met - he grinned and kissed my forehead. - And of course because you are always honest and you never leave me in doubt. You're a great friend. Truly a great friend.

- Have I heard well and you hinted at my weight? - I laughed.

- Oh, no, no, how could you even think about this? - he asked after he understood what he have just said.

- Indeed - I said unemotionally and he raised his eyebrows while staring at me. - Oh, come on, man, you've never watched Stargate? Til'c said it always. Like this. _Indeed..._ - I acted like I was him and showed such worked up face that Kevin didn't even realize the emotions between... anything and anything. Okay, I'm stopping. Shortly: I played him well.

Later I helped him getting the Christmas-tree and -decoration down. Now it was more place in the flat for my carbon. ^_^ Of course getting it down made some dirt so after he went to the studio I had to tidy the whole flat up - then as I was doing some work I thought it was time for the washing so I put dirty clothes into the washing machine.

Then I had some time to rest so I opened facebook and chatted with Duncan but there wasn't anything interesting I just told him that I have moved again and so one. Of course I didn't mention Kevin was a bright star in Sweden.

Then it was nearly half past seven so I made some dinner that I can heat when he comes home. While cooking I was daydreaming and it just came into my mind that he was looking at me... again like _that_ although we agreed that we won't... ah, he was really frustrating. He could do but I couldn't. Such is life.

But it just couldn't escape my mind that if he was looking at me like _that_ that meant our relationship couldn't end like this... so when he came home and - after having a lonely dinner - he went for having a bath I decided to take effect and give him something that he wanted and I thought would deserve as well...

He just came into his room after having a bath; just a towel hid his hip and there I was standing in front of him - totally naked. I have thought before it would be weird but being there was even odder than thinking about it. He raised his eyebrows at first - of course I surprised him - and when he could understand what was going on he was looking at my body then at my eyes then again at my body. He had done it at least a hundred times (or it just felt like he had done, I'm not sure) and it frustrated me a lot so I asked:

- Hey, I saw how you looked at me today. Now I'm standing here - I raised my hands up to my shoulders like saying _WTF_ - offering you what you want and you do nothing. Sorry for asking, but WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?

He first opened his mouth then took an uncertain step forward me. Then nothing. He didn't say anything... just came closer. He tenderly held me by waist and gently breathed a kiss onto my neck. I felt his hard penis under the towel as he pushed my body against his and I could feel his bare chest on my breasts and my heart beat so fast that I thought I would die.

- You should get dressed instead of catching cold - he said finally and let me go.

I couldn't understand his controversial reactions but I thought they have a cause that I shouldn't enquire after so I obediently went for having a sleep.

School starts tomorrow and I still have so many things to do...


	6. 4 - Executing Exercises

Chapter Four: Executing Exercises

7th January, 2014.

I hope this bughouse won't continue for long because if so then I'm not sure I can go on...

I didn't know how much time it will take to get to get to school so I woke up at six to be able to do everything in time. I put my things together for school then I made some heatable breakfast that Kevin could put into the microwave when he woke up then made two of my favorite sandwich and began making a woman out of the zombie.

I took some money with me as well and left a piece of paper on the table near the omelet that he shouldn't heat it over ten seconds then I finally could leave the flat at ten past seven. At school I had time to check all of my homework and to begin to write the next essay about a book review. Then all lessons were like rush hours and when I finally got home I could play the housekeeper because my cute roommate didn't have time to do the dishes or just simply tidy up the bathroom after him. He left chaos there. Writing my homework didn't take much time - I got more in Hungary - and I continued writing that *beep* book. Then I got a call that Kevin would get home at nine so I ordered some pizza because I wanted to eat something and to make his appearance stronger. And how else could I make him less thin? By giving him food. And - of course - by taking him to gym.

When Kevin finally got home I was sleeping yet.

8th January, 2014.

Today I woke up twenty minutes later - still he was sleeping when I left.

The most interesting action was that double PE lesson in which we played volleyball. I do not want to sound too self-confident but - of course - we won the match.

10th January, 2014.

We had a lesson with our class-teacher in which she had told us that at the end of this year we'll finish our studies and on our school-leaving ceremony we'll have to dance. She said it was a new tradition they wanted to stabilize at school. We would have to learn two dances - one would be for just our class and one for the whole leaving company so for the remaining five classes as well. This common dance she said would be an English waltz so we just had to choose the other one.

I knew this habit more or less because in Hungary we had a similar one for our ribbon's validation. On this event we got a ribbon that was written with our school's name and the beginning's and the ending's year. For me it would have been 2010-2014.

So she told us to meditate on the classdance at home until next Friday.

12th January, 2014.

Nothing interesting had happened yesterday, I was just writing that book.

Today it came into my mind that we should learn some traditional Hungarian dances but I don't think my class would appreciate the idea - we couldn't get teacher and clothing easily.

13th January, 2014.

They didn't care how much I disagreed, Carina and Van took me to a McDonald's to have something to eat after school. I wasn't hungry at all - I made enough food this morning as well - so I thought I should order some Happy Meal. First the guy didn't want to give me any toy but then I told him I would tell everyone that if they wanted to buy some Happy Meal for their children who suffered at home they couldn't take their toys either because _someone_ didn't want to give them. So I got my toy as well and sat down to the laughing girls' table.

- You're not sane - Carina commented as I sat down grinning satisfied.

- And what did you get? - Van asked.

- Just some snowman I think from Frozen. But why did you bring me here?

- We thought we must talk about something - Van said.

- Or someone - Carina added and I nearly began choking: I knew what they wanted.

- We think you should have a crush on this Kev-guy - Van began. - He's nice and kind and must be good-looking based on his lips. Ah, those lips, I wish I could kiss ones like those...

_Believe me it's not as enjoyable as it seems to be..._

- Hey, Van, we came here to deal with Trixie's problem, not you! - Carina said as she waved in front of her bestie's face.

- Ah, sorry - Van apologized. - So we think you should get your pretty ass out of that fucking friendzone quickly.

- Uhm... - I mumbled as I bit the first bite of my hamburger.

- Hey, what's that? - Carina asked as she saw my nails.

- Fake-nails - I smiled. - And you haven't seen everything yet...

- What do you mean by this? - she asked.

- Finish the meal and I will tell - I winked and luckily it made them shut up. They knew they would know it earlier if we finished earlier. With this dodge I could win some time to get some ideas about getting out of this fix the soonest.

Outside in the snow I showed them how peach turned into magenta and so they took me home on foot. We didn't mention the unwanted topic again until we got to the door of the house.

- Believe me, he could he could make you forget Norbi easily - Carina winked and they let me alone with my thoughts.

_Oh, if you knew that I have already forgotten him and I had to forget Kevin now..._

Drowned in my thoughts I was walking up the stairs and when I opened the door Luna jumped on me.

- Hi, girlie, what's up? - I pet her. - Where's Daddy? Huh?

- I'm here... I'm... oh, hi - Kevin said as he saw me.

- What's that? - I asked as a reaction for his _oh, hi_.

- Nothing, nothing... - he looked at the clock on the wall. - You late.

- I was with friends - I said and showed him the snowman I got. - And why do you say I'm late? You could call me... oh, were you worried 'bout me just your proudest didn't allow you to call?

He didn't say anything just went into the kitchen and a minute later came out with a cake. It was evident that he made - or at least he decorated - it because... I could see it on the crème and on the little flowers drawn onto.

- Oh - I said as I glanced on it. - Where did you order? - I smiled.

- I made... okay, Grandma made I just decorated - he answered while putting it down.

- I know, little silly - I hit his shoulder friendly. - But it looks great.

- Really? - he raised his eyebrows.

- Of course, it's so cute that you wanted to decorate a cake... and especially like this... but is it someone's birthday?

- Uhm, no, I just wanted to bake something with Grandma.

- You're simply too good to be true... - I whispered but he heard.

- Why do you think so? - he asked and gave me a slice.

- Ah, you heard? - I asked and after his nod continued. - Oh, just I thought it over that a man bakes with his grandmother and decorates with the cake with small flowers... hey, a yellow rose? - I asked as I saw the flower on my slice.

- Uhm... - he mumbled because he was eating his one yet.

- And yours is a white one! Do you know about their meaning?

I was really curious about his answer... I really did so.

- Uhm, not really... - he said but as I could see he knew...

- White means innocence and virginity and yellow means eternal love.

- Huh, really? - he asked and then we were sitting in silence.

14th January, 2014.

Today we had been discussing about our dance but no one had any useful idea.

Then at home I wrote my homework and while cooking a stock I was longing for I typed that "cute" book that didn't have a title yet - but I wanted to name it something like _Pink Clouds on the Sky of Love_ or _Black and Pink Glasses_ or I just don't know.

When Kevin came home he was really exhausted and awfully happy to see cooked food on the table. I got a kiss on my forehead as well.

17th January, 2014.

The class which usually was the most uncontrollable one now was sitting in silence behind their desks and their teacher was staring at them.

- So you really have no ideas? - she asked. At this point Chris dug me and an _ouch!_ left my mouth. - Yes, Beatrix?

- Yes? Oh, me? Well, I thought we should do some traditional Hungarian dances but...

- Well, not a bad idea. But what about a teacher? - she asked.

- That's my problem as well. I can't dance and I know no one here who would. Actually I have two left legs - I laughed and she allowed me to finish. - Thanks, Chris - I whispered as she didn't concentrate on me yet.

- What do you think, class, should we dance something traditional?

- Or we should do some ballet - Nils shouted and the class began laughing.

_Yeah, it was really funny. OMG, I'm getting more and more childish by the time I spend with them..._

At home I found Kevin practicing a song with his guitar.

- Hi - I welcomed him and lay down on the red, lace sofa.

- Please, don't disturb... - he said and re-began the song. I haven't heard it before but I didn't want to fuck his mind up with asking.

- Are you wise to the fact that this song tells about nothing? - I asked when he has finished.

- Yeah but _Heartbreak Hotel_ was too serious - he replied fast.

- But it isn't serious at all - I said and he looked at me with a murderous gaze. - Okay, it tells about something but not as serious as _My Murderous Urge_ for example.

- Eurovision needs something really serious like domestic violence or something rather evident - love or love of the music.

- Or euphoria - I laughed and he joined.

- On the 28th I'm leaving to Malmö.

- And? - I asked. I didn't know about his further plans yet.

- Would you like to come either? - he questioned finally. I stared at him.

- Ooh... ouh... ouh... if I remember well I'll have a Maths test on the 31st... - I disagreed. Also it was true not this fact was the cause why I didn't want to go...

- Why don't you wanna come? - he asked. _So he recognized..._

- Listen. My whole class thinks that I and especially _you_ are just a normal person - I don't know what they would react if they saw me with you... with Yohio. And I want to take those exams as well.

- Oh, and I have thought that you have a problem with me.

- No, no, don't even think about it! - I disagreed. - I just simply want to live as a more or less average student for just some more time. But I swear I'll go to Copenhagen with you.

- So you think that I will go? - he asked surprised.

- Who else? - I smiled. - Your song is great.

- But you've just told me that...

- Shh, now it doesn't matter what I think. Now everyone else matters. And if people don't like it I will eat my hat - I laughed.

- Then you'd buy one because last year the foreign jury told me to stay at home.

- And the Danes won - I added.

- Yeah. Yeah... would you like to re-listen to the song anyways? - he asked suddenly.

- Well... I'll try to write some homework but of course you can play it.

- Great because you'd have to visit someone if you didn't want to - he laughed and I began writing my homework. Then at about half past eleven I couldn't stand him more and advised to go to bed and continue work next day.

18th January, 2014.

- We should name our child somehow - I said when Kevin came to the kitchen this morning. I've already eaten something - it wasn't true for him as well. He looked really-really sleepy - and his first sentence proved it...

- Soren if male and Naomi if female... - he answered.

_Oh, dear Lord..._

- Hey, man, I've thought of the book - I replied fast and gave him some rice.

- Thanks... - he yawned. - Then call it _Our Fake Story_...

- But that would be too evident - I disagreed.

- That's why it wouldn't be thought it was true... - he yawned again.

- Did you sleep enough? - I asked after his third yawn-in-a-row.

- I don't guess so - he smiled clumsily - but I couldn't sleep more... I can't stand laziness, you know.

- Don't you? - I let out a small laughter. - Then who relaxes on the couch every day while I work? - I asked.

- Luna - he said not even looking at me.

- Okay, tell me if you're awaken yet - I stood up and began doing the dishes. Then I washed the clothes and tidied up the living room.

- Have you fallen asleep yet? - I questioned when I got back to the kitchen.

- Nope - he said while writing something on a paper.

- What are you doing? - I sat near him.

- I try to give a title to the book - he answered.

- _Our Fare Story_, again? - I asked. That was the only title on the paper.

- I couldn't think of anything else yet. But do you have any ideas? - he looked at my eyes. His eyes were curious.

- Some days ago I thought of _Pink Clouds on the Sky of Love_ and _Black and Pink Glasses_ but they're awful - I laughed.

- Do you really want to mention pink so much?

- Especially the contrast between pink and black and that even though we didn't care.

- But we do - he commented.

- Uhm... you didn't seem to care two weeks ago - I said with played sexiness.

- Oh, come on, I was drunk - he disagreed quickly but laughed as well.

- Haven't you ever heard that _drunk person - honest person_? - Grin froze on his face.

_So I found something I shouldn't have mentioned - again._

- But I did so - he answered finally and after picking the paper up went into his room. He even slammed the door as to show his injury.

_What a huffy dick..._ - I thought - or maybe mumbled as well - and went to his door. I knocked before asking him to let me in. As no answer came I opened and went in. I found him facing a pillow.

- Hey, do you want to talk about? - I touched his shoulder. I didn't want him to feel that I force him doing anything.

- Leave me alone - I could hear from the pillow.

- Oh, okay... - I said and took Kevin, the reindeer in my hands. - Hey, Kevin, do you think Kevin will ever forgive me? - I asked the toy.

- It's not even funny - the pillow said.

- So you think that he'd need... - I asked the toy again. I nodded with its head and went out of the room...

Ten minutes later a bar of chocolate landed on the bedside table of the still-pillow-facing Kevin.

- Murh... - the pillow said and so I left his personal sphere.

Later when I finally got the clothes out of the washing machine I suddenly felt a hug from behind. The hugger's left arm was on my waist and the right on my shoulder.

- Kev? - I asked and while a huge amount of blonde hair fell into my face I could feel a kiss on my left cheek. - Listen - I pulled his hair out of my face. -, I didn't mean to hurt you but if you don't let me know you then I accidentally do sometimes...

- Talk - he said and took my hand. He directed me to the sofa in the living room and made me sit down. - Do you want to know me? The real me? Then listen carefully because I will tell you just once.

- Ain't you take it a bit too serious? - I asked.

- Please don't stop my thoughts because maybe I won't tell - he commented and began his story: _Yohio was born named Kevin Oliver Rehn on the 12__th__ July, 1995. Aged five he was one of the most popular children in playschool and a girl, named Melanie wanted to be his girlfriend. He didn't really want to bound himself to anyone because many other girls liked him as well - but she was stubborn and gave a kiss onto his cheek. Then he went to school and left her - two years later they met again at school but she was upset because she said he had abandoned her. That time Yohio have already had another best friend: his name was Sebastian. Seb and Yohio spent nearly all of their free time together - they had; although Yohio was learning the piano. Aged 11 Yohio's mother died of cancer and his father took a new woman home - Yohio didn't like her, wanted to go against his wish and also Seb found visual kei somehow so he joined him and the two rebels began to rock the world. Yohio began playing the guitar either as to be able to tempt Melanie back to him - he wasn't successful because his way of clothing and all his appearance didn't attract her at all. And with this he became even more unpopular among his classmates - he wasn't either before because of his girly face. These happenings were enough for someone who was the bully of the school and he began bullying him and Sebbie. He was two years older than them and later it turned out on a friend's meeting in the forest nearby that their parents knew each other; and as he could hear Yohio playing the guitar he offered him playing in their band, Seremedy, that only needed a solo-guitarist. He accepted and became the guitarist of the band and Sebbie turned to metal so they began spending less time together - after Yohio became a private student at seventh grade (because the other children were bullying him too) it wasn't a huge amount of time either but with playing in a band it became even less. _[Author note: yes, I know _the mentioned one_ is four years older in reality and that Yohio's name isn't that I wrote.]

- And you know the rest - he added after the ten-minute-long monologue he made.

- I still don't know why _drunk person - honest person_ hurt you - I commented.

- Ah, you know I thought just the same when drunken he confessed his love for me - he said and his eyes were praying for some peace.

- Do you want me not to continue talking 'bout? - I asked. He simply nodded and a second later he was having a rest on my chest grasping my T-shirt and I could feel something wet drenching my tee.

- I don't know: why do I still love him? - he cried. - Please - he clutched the T-shirt on my shoulders making them bare. - Please, tell me how to forget him! Nothing has helped, neither a new relationship, nor a dog, not even work or... or the fact that you are here - he said. - Please, help me - he looked up at me. I couldn't think of any useful idea - I had just awful thoughts like feeding him with chocolate or taking him doing exercise - but I knew they wouldn't work, they would be enough for just some time to make him forget him. In that very moment when I thought these over and began caressing his head my phone began ring.

- Shit - I commented and declined the call from Van.

Somehow my ringtone has changed and Bill Kaulitz sang _Geh_ instead of Luminor singing _Get Off _- and it gave me an idea. - Have you ever tried to get it off your chest by - I took a break as to be sure that he was concentrating on me - writing a song about?

- You must be joking - he answered. - _Heartbreak Hotel_ tells about that. Okay, it has happened somehow else but it does.

- But - I disagreed. - _HH_ is a typical breaking up-song with _I hate you_ and _it's your fault that it has ended_ but... ah, you should write one in which you let him go. As you say in _HH_: _Need to let go to break the spell_.

- Then I'd burn it all up - he said desperated and I knew he _meant_ it.

- No one will stop you. - I acknowledged that one more great art will be destroyed by its creator.

Ten minutes later he was writing words on a paper. Meanwhile I called Van back - she just asked me to hang out with them but I rejected the invitation. I didn't care about Kevin until he asked me to help him.

- I made some brainstorming - he explained - but I think I'll need some help with lining aggressive and unneeded words and phrases out.

- Oh, Dear, you're free to write that you hate him, the essence is that now make a poem about regrets and abandoning him and not about anger and not to push the blame on him. That's all.

- Then check - he pushed the paper under my nose. He also made me promise not to copy the lyrics here but - I'm absolutely sorry, Kevin -, I want to remember this art even at age 82 or more.

_Forsaken_

_Sitting in my room alone_

_I open a_

_Dustcovered_

_Scrapbook - the tale of_

_Two lovers occur in my mind - _

_I need to let you go,_

_I need to let you now._

_It could have been somehow else,_

_It could be just you and me_

_But you know we messed that day_

_When you threw away the key._

_My fist cramps when I think of you_

_But I control_

_My body_

_Not to feel anything 'bout you - _

_I regret falling in love with you - _

_I must let you go,_

_I must let you now._

_Oh, nothing can fill the void you left in me_

_No parties, nor people, there's no remedy_

_But I hope someday someone will set me free!_

_It could have been somehow else, Love,_

_It could be just you and me_

_But you know we messed that day_

_When you threw away the key_

_Of my heart._

Beautiful, isn't it? I secretly took a photo of it as to be able to copy it here.

Right after finishing with reading he told me to put my boots and coat on and get into the car quickly. I couldn't understand what he wanted to do but I accepted his order and half an hour later we were driving - actually he drove I just sat near him - to a place I fairly didn't know. I wasn't interrogating him, I knew he didn't want to talk about 'til he could see the paper catching fire and burning - until snow melts and smothers it's ash fast. It had been snowing today so this plan wasn't impossible at all.

He parked the car near an endless forest and sighed.

- Here - he said and got off the car. I followed him. - Do you have a driving license? - he asked before opening the trunk.

- A Hungarian one at home, yes - I replied.

- Great - he commented and I could see a bottle of vodka in his hands - because you'll take me home.

I didn't even try to disagree, I knew he was too mulish so I let him so what he found the best. The car was in a hidden place so when he went deep into the forest I took the keys and followed him - just in case. We were wandering for quite a long time before he stopped and at a certain place swept all the snow away he was able to. A circle of rocks was there; it wasn't too big, the radius of it was twenty centimeters or even less. He squatted and poured the lyric-sheet with alcohol. Then let it fall on the ground and lighted with a lighter he kissed before - and that I gave him at Christmas. As the paper caught fire and burnt with bigger and bigger flames I could realize satisfaction on his face.

- Let's go home - he said after sweeping some snow on the ash. It began snowing heavily again so I appreciated the idea.

On the way back he drank the rest of the spirit he had left so I could be sure I had to drive home today.

- Do you want to know why have I brought you there? - he asked after I had been driving for ten minutes. I tried to concentrate on the road - I haven't driven since I got my license - so I just nodded and he continued. - That was the exact place where I talked to him first beyond school. Where all this shit began.

- Do you feel better now? - I asked rather senseless than curious.

- I couldn't be more free - he said and some minutes later I could hear he was snoring near me.

When we finally got home - it took two hours because I lost my way on the unknown road twice and in the town once - he was still sleeping. He was so cute and calm that I didn't wake him up but - stickily though - took him into his bed in my arms. I also changed his clothes into pyjamas - I wasn't bashful or anything, I have seen many parts of his body yet - and I also _am_ his girlfriend, ain't I?

19th January, 2014.

Waking up this morning I realized I had been sleeping in casual clothes, my hair in ponytail - on the top of Kevin. As soon as this information got into my brain - it took more time that usually because I had just waken up - I jumped backwards. A second later when he turned to his other side I realized I shouldn't wake him up when he finally is able to sleep enough. Maybe enough. Maybe a whole-week-long-sleeping wouldn't be enough either. Aah, I'm fucking tired still...

He doesn't remember getting to bed yesterday but I think it's better like this.

21st January, 2014.

First in my life I did exercise for losing some weight - and I didn't let Kevin work less than I did. First he hated me because of it but all in all he was satisfied with his job on his body.

24th January, 2014.

Lesson with the class-teacher again. I guess she's the only one who's able to threaten students in this whole school.

Deep silence. Maybe deeper than last week.

Finally I raise my hand.

- Rocky - I say simply. Last day while doing some exercise I asked Kevin about this whole stuff - and he recommended rocky. - And I think I know a track people would adore.

- Then share with us - the teacher says.

- I think we should decide about it before... - I answer.

- Class - she speaks out. -, do you accept the idea of dancing rocky?

- It's so common - Ellie (who else might it be?) comments.

- Then recommend a better - I say and as she denies giving an answer the class accepts my idea.

28th January, 2014.

Flags are out today, it's the day of the king's name. Unfortunately it's school today.

Kevin has left to Malmö as well - Luna misses him much so I sometimes call him to make her able to hear his voice. He's really cute when he talks to his puppet anyways.

29th January, 2014.

It was interesting to wake up for being alone. It made me realize that I'm really used to being with people. Yeah, I know Luna's here but it isn't the same as Kevin was at home.

What the fuck? Everyone's interested in Melodifestivalen at school - Carina even asked me if I wanted to go with them on Saturday! Being nice though, I had to reject her offer.

31st January, 2014.

I think the Maths-test went well. Okay, it would have been difficult if I didn't learn it in Hungary before but I did so, so it has eased my job so far.

1st February, 2014.

YES, YES, YES, YES!

God, it was funny to see all the guys being blond but I think they all looked quite great.

Kevin made me promise that I wouldn't send any votes on him but I couldn't stand that kind of laziness - and stress. Haha, Luna was so cute, she yelped with Daddy.

When I could hear his name as one we would meet on the 8th March I screamed and immediately wrote a message to him in which I congratulated and expressed my enthusiasm. A minute later my phone rang.

- Whaaahooo! - I could hear from the other side. - Did you see me? Ha? Did you? - he asked. I could hear he was over the moon as well.

- Yes, Darling, you guys were great!

- Girl, you can't believe how I feel now!

- If only I could - I said. - Hey, listen, Luna wants to say something! Come on, little girl - I pushed the phone near her mouth. She barked happily when she could hear his voice. - When are you coming home? - I asked finally.

- I'm not sure but I think this time tomorrow I'll be there. Ah, I must go to the after-party now, bye...

- Bye, I love you - I said. I didn't really know, why, but I felt it was needed.

- I love you too - he said a bit grumpily.

After hanging up I hugged the doggie and we both went to sleep.

2nd February, 2014.

As he had told me, he got home late in the evening.

3rd February, 2014.

- Trixie, Trixie! - Carina ran through the corridor this morning. As soon as she saw me she speeded her steps up and reaching Van and I she nearly crashed me to the wall. - Ouch, sorry - she apologized and took a step backwards. - Listen, girl, I have great news! Heey, why hadn't you answered my calls? Oh, never mind. Listen...

- I told you so - Van whispered in my ears. - Since she got back home she can't even be shooted down.

- Heey - the mentioned one said and we three all began to laugh. - So, as you know I was in Malmö and, oh, my God, I saw the show! Can you imagine? I always wanted to see - and this year Mom and Dad took us there! Ah, Lord, I'm so happy now!

- Was it more interesting than on TV? - I asked.

- God, you can't imagine! It was unbelievable! Especially the first show with YOHIO! Ah, that fireball! I'm still shocked by him! And that he will be in the final show! I believe this year he will win, he's not as girlish as last year and this song is simply great! I hope foreign jury will give him high points because he is the best!

- How do you know, you haven't heard the rest yet!

- Ah, come on, I know their quality. Huh... - she said and as the bell rang we went to Maths - on the way and until the teacher came in she was gushing about the show and Kev... no, about YOHIO.

At home we finally had time to chat a bit - he slept as much as he could since he came home. I hadn't even talked to him yet apart from a _hello_.

- How did you find me? - he asked suddenly while I was feeding Luna.

- Great - I said.

- And my... appearance for example? - He wanted to get to the point.

- Well, you looked interesting, I haven't seen you in make-up yet - I answered.

- And would you like to? - he raised one of his eyebrows awh, soo sexily.

- Hmm - I reacted in the same way. - Would you show me?

- Sure - he replied and just a minute later a scrapbook was lying in his laps. Hahaa, no! It wasn't funny at all! He made me sit down and began showing me photos. He seemed to had been an adorable kid and later he looked great as well - but he was still a prettier _girl_ than me. Ok, I didn't really care about being pretty 'til age fourteen...

- God, you really looked like this? - I laughed when I could see him in cute pink dress.

- I guess so - he joined. - Does it shock you?

- Man, if I knew you those times I would have laughed in your face when I first saw you in dress. - His face became sulky. - But later I of course didn't care about your appearance because you are just you are and no one else.

- Actually when I put my make-up on I become someone else.

- Yes, the arrogant and directing YOHIO. - The ceiling looked so well that I had to focus on it...

- Am I really like that? - he asked uncomprehendingly.

- Oh, well, you seemed to be huffy when I told you I loved you in the phone.

- Ah, aah... - He seemed to agree with me about the ceiling... - To tell you the truth... Fredrik was making a video of me phoning you. They could hear everything.

- And why is it a problem? - I asked. - Everyone thinks we're a pair.

- No, it's just isn't a problem but I thought you should know.

Yes, I should have known.

4th February, 2014.

No, no, no...

Carina showed me a video today... her sister had found it on Fredrik's . Guess, who was on it...

Luckily she believed me that many people had the same voice as me. Huh...

13th February, 2014.

Yes, I hate myself as well for the nine skipped days but if NOTHING happens except doing exercise (God, he will look awh :3 great!) then why should I do?

14th February, 2014.

Today I raised the amount of exercise we do and so after ten minutes skipping (a rope, what else? J) he fell on the sofa like a ragdoll.

- Hey, heey - I dug him. - Are you fine?

- Give me ice cream... - he growled.

- What? - I raised my eyebrows.

- Ice... cream... fridge... - he pointed on the electric device.

- You should drink some water first - I said and went to the fridge. I took a bottle of mineral water out and gave him. He thanked and drank all in some seconds.

- Ice cream... - he said while leaning back.

- Lord... - I commented and went back to the kitchen. - Here's your parfé (ice cream made of milk and not water), Prince... - I gave him his dessert. His face flowered as the cold cream touched his tongue.

- Thanks - he murmured and the second nibble ended up in my mouth. _Oh..._ - You know, - he continued - it's like if we kissed.

- Heey - I laughed and _friendly_ hit his head. - Ah - I leaned back as we've finished with our ice cream. - We should lift weight.

- But ah, no - he disagreed. - You wanna kill me, ain't you?

- Hah, of course - I laughed.

- You're a predator, Princess, and want to tire me out as to be able to eat me... because it's easier than chasing. Oh, how lazy!

- Do predators eat parfé?

- What? - he raised his eyebrows.

- Do predators eat parfé that is as soft and sweet as you are, Parfé Prince? - I looked at him.

- Uhm... yeah, I guess so.

- Aaah, what a pity that I've already eaten enough... I'd love to taste you! - I winked. - Ah, what the fuck?! - I yelled as I could hear my ringtone. _I must change it..._ - Van... who else? Yeah? - I answered a bit nervously. I was fed up with her inviting me to parties all the time when she knew I had to work on something.

- Trixie... - I could hear her jerky voice.

- What has happened? - I asked apprehensively. - Are you fine?

- N... no... - she cried. - Could you... please... come here? - she asked and as I could hear the rumble of traffic I realized immediately she wasn't at home.

- Of course, where are you? - She told me the exact place (it was in front of a concrete restaurant) and I assured her I would be there in some minutes - although I didn't know how I will. - Kevin, something has happened to Van so I must go now - I turned to my flatmate. - I'll be back in two hours.

- Where are you going? - he asked immediately.

- It doesn't matter now - I said. - But I must hurry or she may do something she will regret.

- Shall I take you? - he asked. It has shocked me a bit. - Because it's surely faster with car.

- Oh, okay - I said and gave him the address while getting dressed.

He took me to the corner and from there I ran to Van - who was still sitting on a snowy bench. She was so gloomy and alone...

- I'm here - I said as I reached and hugged her. She hugged me back and I could feel her body shaking. - Sshh... - I tried to calm her down and caressed her head. I didn't force her saying anything because I knew the feeling of being partly depressed. Nothing works except assuring the other that if anything happens we will be there for her.

- I might have... no place to sleep - she said after calming down a bit while watching the top of her shoes.

- What? - I turned her face on me.

_Really, I didn't even know about her home..._

- I... I was living with Patrick and...

- Ouh... listen...

- Carina gets home by nine from training - she said. - Just be with me until then, please.

- God, three more hours until then! You will catch cold here... Ah, what should I do...

- About what? - she asked when she could see my hesitating face. - Look, it's good just to stay here like this.

- No, it's not good - I commented. - At least one of us will catch cold like this. Aaah, Lord, he will kill me...

- What are you actually talking about? - she gazed at me.

- Listen. Can you keep secrets?

- Ah, of course! For a year I hadn't told anyone that Carina was a bigger YOHIO-fan than her sister... Ooops...

- Ooouh... - I sighed painfully. - Look. Now you will come home with me, but. But you mustn't tell anyone anything either about the position or about Kevin. Got it?

- Of course, I understand... but who he actually is?

- You will see, but now, come.

Diverting her attention from Patrick - tick!

_"__Gomenasai, hime..."_ - I wrote Kevin before I opened the gate. Van and I went to the right floor and I opened the door as well. Stepping in we could hear first Luna barking and running to us and a moment later some guitar's voice from the kitchen.

_Oh, ooh, are you sure you want to practice now?_

- Heey, Kevin, I'm home - I said and as I reached the frame of the door... he began his serenade written for... anyone (me? no, I can't imagine) looking deeply in my eyes (or maybe yes?):

_I've been waiting for you so long -_

_And I still don't know how to act_

_When you appear on the scenes, oh,_

_My heart's beating so fast._

And at this very moment Van stepped behind me and as I could see Kevin's face becoming grumpy I could hear a quiet scream from behind as well.

Kevin looked back at me from my classmate, put his guitar down and grasped my wrist while pulling me apart from her.

- What the fuck are you doing?! - he asked with that murderously low voice I hoped I wouldn't have to hear again. - Why did you take Vanessa here? Huh? Do you want her to tell everyone about me?

- Ah, you only worry about yourself? How typical to you... But keep calm, she can keep secrets.

- I can't stay calm! Who will you bring next time? Just the class or the whole school? Don't you know how important it is to keep every secret being a secret?

- Cool down, she has just broken up with someone and I must take care of her until...

- Look, do anything you want, I don't care! She can even stay here for night because you won't, I can assure you! Now, take your stuff and go away! I don't even want to see you.

- In this case, be happy, 'cause you won't! - I lay down the law and took my wallet with me. I planned to stay at a hotel for tonight. I didn't really worry about the rest of the nights because I was sure we would make peace soon, he just had to have some time to think everything over carefully. Why didn't I ask Amalia to help? I didn't actually want anyone to know about this...

- Trixie, where are you going? - Van ran to me when she could see me going away from Kevin.

- Don't deal with it just stay here and do everything he tells you to. He's a real gentleman, believe me, he just blew his top because I haven't informed him in time. - I caressed her hair friendly and went to open the door. - Oh, and tell that bastard - I yelled - that I'm sorry I didn't tell him earlier! Bye.

I slammed the door as to make him see my anger and went on my road. I didn't really know what to do but after half an hour walking and shivering in the cold I have decided to have a beer in the next pub. Luckily it wasn't far away and I had enough money with me either.

- Good afternoon - the barista said as I sat in front of her.

- Better - I replied and ordered a beer. While drinking I tried to calm down but it was more difficult than I have thought. - Fuck him! - I hit the bar with my palm and bought two more bottles before going to the inner part and sitting down at a free table. - Patrick, pray for not turning up here today because if so then I will... cut your balls down. - I began drinking my second beer and as it was hot in the cellar soon I was close to being drunk.

- You should stop - a guy sat near me and took the whiskey I've just bought out of my hand.

- Hey, man, I paid for that! - I disagreed in English and tried to get my drink back.

- No, no, keep cool, I don't want you to get drunk - he said. - I'm Seike anyways.

- Hi, Trixie - I pulled my hand as to shake hands. His touch was masculine - ergo enjoyable.

- Nice name - he commented. - Why are you alone here, huh?

- Ah, fuck, it's difficult...

- So because of a man, right? - he asked while trying to look in my eyes. It wasn't easy because my head was bowed. - Hey, are you awake? - he waved in front of my face.

- I am... - I murmured and a simple moment later suddenly looked up at him. - But why did you come to me?

- Well... it wasn't a good feeling to see a young lady...

- Young? Lady? Ain't you talking about _me_, are you? - I laughed.

- ... drinking herself under the table - he continued as I hadn't said anything. - Here, drink some cold water instead.

- Thanks - I accepted. He didn't seem to be dangerous - _Seike... hmm... that name and face... somehow just familiar... _- and later it turned out that nothing was in the glass but clean water. Thinking it over now: I had been fucking lucky with it. It helped me to get a bit better but I had to go for a walk to clear my head so I apologized and went away.

Only after ten minutes did I realize that I had left my wallet somewhere. I frantically began looking for it in my bag and as it wasn't there I had to think of leaving it in the pub. _Oh, shit!_

As I was going down the stairs back to the cellar I accidentally bumped into that nice guy I'd forgotten the name of...

- Hi, Trix, you'd left it there; I had just realized and came to find you. But you are here, so here you are.

- Oh, thanks, S... - I stopped. I didn't want to call him Siegfried for example if his name was Samuel or something.

- Seike - he smiled and took me by shoulder when I wanted to fall on him. - Are you fine, girl?

- Yes, yes, of course I am... - I reacted quickly. He was so gentle and awh...

- Come, sit down - he directed me to a seat and I had to concentrate on not collapsing immediately. - Shall I bring a coffee?

- Uhm, that would be good - I agreed and a minute later I was drinking the hot, brown liquid. - Thanks again - I said after finishing it.

- It doesn't take much - he smiled and bent closer to me. - Where are you from? Because you spoke English with me so you can't be Swedish at all.

- Yes, you're right, I'm not.

- Then?

- Curiosity makes you old... - I threatened him playfully.

- I don't care, I'm curious.

- Why? - I bent closer to him as well.

- Shall I be honest?

- You should - I smiled.

- You actually attracted me when you came in - he whispered in my ears - and I want to get to know you.

- Hmm... shall I be honest as well?

- You should - he nodded smiling.

- I have a boyfriend.

- And why isn't he here? - he asked.

- We... uhm... have a quite interesting relationship and now... he's angry with me because I hadn't informed him about something sudden in time.

- Ah, he might be hotheaded.

- He is - I agreed. - But I love him though...

After this sentence of mine he somehow decided to get me or I don't know because he suddenly began asking me about... everything. He even ordered me a beer to keep my _not-yet-drunk_ state.

- So why are you exactly here? - he asked.

- Uh, it's difficult.

- I know, you've told me earlier. I have time.

- Okay then. Huh. I was having a good time with my boyfriend when one of my friends called me - her one has just broken up with her and she asked for my help. I couldn't say no and hurried to her. Then it turned out that she couldn't sleep anywhere so I took her to our flat - my bf wasn't enthusiastic with the idea and told me to get my ass somewhere else.

- With these words? - he raised his eyebrows.

- Of course not but the essence is the same. He sent me away and she stayed there.

- So you're jealous now...?

- No, no, I can't be jealous even if I wanted I couldn't be! She's my friend and he's a gentleman. I have known them for a long time. No, I'm just not jealous at all.

- Hey... do you know where will you spend the night?

- Not yet but I can take care of myself.

- Well, I have a sofa in my living room.. - he murmured _ostensibly_ to himself.

- It's nice from you but I don't think he would be happy about this.

- He doesn't trust you? Then why don't you break up with him? Huh? He tries to keep you in a golden cage! I know, I am a man as well... - he looked up at me meaningfully.

- No, no, it just isn't that! Ah, I don't even know myself what I wanted to say with these...

- Okay, okay, I understand. One more beer?

- Sure - I accepted.

After chatting for some time he asked me to take a photo of us together with his phone and I accepted. We looked quite interesting but - to be honest - I wouldn't be able to say whether we were drunk or not. Then he apologized, went to the restroom and came back only after ten minutes. He said he had to answer a call so he had gone outside as well.

- What do you like, enjoy doing? - he asked half an hour later and touched my hand. He was somehow having a crush on me but I didn't care; I wanted to show myself (and later either to Kevin) that I can do it without him letting me to do. Yeah, I can chat someone up without his permission. Hmm...

- Well... okay then - I grinned widely. I was a bit drunk so, yeah. Drunk. - I enjoy being outside in the rain and get soaking wet, and the scent of fresh rain and earth, new plastic, leather, new paint, petrol; I like lying under the sky even at daylight and at night; I like trees and climbing at them; my favorite part of the day is dawn, when everyone sleeps yet and the world is calm; I enjoy watching the fire and the live coal; my favorite color is purple; I like feeling grass under my bare feet... - my voice broke for a moment and I continued as I had been crying. - I love when my love presses his hand in my hair, when he says _I love you_, when he kisses me behind my earlobe, on my neck or caresses my lips or just simply embraces me... and of course watching funny animes - I laughed. I couldn't do anything with the case we were in. I was nearly crying... for someone I have just met. - What about you? - I asked as to save the situation.

- I mainly like girls like you - he grinned - and hate men who want to keep girls like you in a golden cage.

He was looking at me while we were talking but now he was looking up behind me. I turned back and I found Kevin there. We stood up immediately.

- You bastard - the blonde one said angrily. I haven't seen him like this before. - What are you doing to her? - he shouted at Seike.

- Hey, Kev, cool down, no problem, we're just chatting, seriously, ah... - I said as he pushed me away and went closer to my new acquaintance.

- What did you want to cause by this? - Kevin asked angrily looking deeply in Seike's eyes.

- Okay, stop this circus - I inserted but no one listened.

- Hey, man, keep cool - the other one laughed. - We were just talking about useless things.

- I don't believe you! - he yelled and jumped on Seike.

- Hey, guys, heey - I shouted while running there and tried to get Kevin down of Seike. It wasn't a good idea because they were fighting yet and I got a slap too. But at least I could hear an interesting sentence from the black one:

- I will cause you pain where it aches the most, Mr. Iamthebest Kevin Yohio Rehn!

- Ouch - I said as my butt reached the floor.

Kevin was holding Seike by his tee but when he heard me he boxed one more in the other's face and ran to me.

- Are you fine? - he asked but I didn't answer him. - Hey, what's the matter? Huh? - he caressed my back like he hadn't done anything some moments ago, like he hadn't hit him.

- No, I'm not fine! - I shouted. - You try to treat me as I was a ragdoll!

- Ah - he sighed and sat down. He even placed his hands in his hair as he wanted to tear it out. - I just wanted to save you... - he whispered for himself so no one could hear it just me. I looked a bit uncomprehendingly at him and got up.

- Come - I went to help Seike getting up as well. - Leave this _being_ here.

I have decided to take him to his home because he looked so handicapped alone. He didn't live far away, it took only about fifteen minutes or a bit more to get there but I was far away from every hotel I could go so I finally accepted his offer to stay at his apartment this night.

Getting there my first action was to give some first aid for him because his wounds didn't look nice. Although his injuries weren't too serious he seemed to be a sick puppy while I was holding his right hand as to be able to put a bandage on it.

- Will it be good like this? - I asked when I have finished. - Can you move?

- Yes, I guess so. Thank you - he said and if I didn't turn my face he would have kissed me.

- Er... oh, sorry, it's my phone... - I apologized and silently thanked Vanessa that she always knew when to call people. _Vanessa!_ -Say it - I answered.

- What happened? An hour earlier he got a message that said _"I am with your bitch."_ and some minutes later another - this made him angry and he went away. What the fuck happened, girl? He didn't get home yet, or... wait... he's here but he has a wound on his face... Don't you want to explain this to me, huh?

- Bitch, eh? - I whispered. - Wait, how even did you see these?

- He had left his phone on the table for some time... - she said. - But girl, you must explain. He was looking for you frantically out there.

- I can't go home now - I hang up. _Bitch, eh? I will show you what this bitch can do to you..._

- What has happened? - Seike opened the door of the balcony where I was phoning.

- Nothing, it was just a classmate - I said going in.

- Oh, I see... - He seemed to hesitate for a moment. - And, what would you like to do now?

- Mainly... - I took a certain step towards him. - sleep.

- At half past nine? Come on, night hasn't began yet!

- Yes, but this day has really tired me out and ah, WiFi? Would you give me your code?

- Ah, another nerd... - he sighed and later gave me a piece of paper. - Here you are.

- Thanks - I kissed his left cheek. - And would you please let me use your shower?

- Of course, but wait a moment - he said and a minute later pulled something in my hands. - You'd better not sleeping in your clothes.

- Oh, really. Wow, a towel, a tee, and a boxer, how cute! I haven't slept in a boxer for a long time... - I grinned and left to the bathroom. As soon as I got in I opened the water to make some noise and tried his WiFi out. I wrote his name into Google and checked the first founding. Interestingly it was a Hungarian YOHIO-fanpage and his facebook, tumblr, instagram and twitter came just after this. On this page I could find nearly everything about the guy in the next room. As I have thought he was _that_ person who sang in Seremedy so he must have been Kevin's ex. It was interesting to read it and I was about to ask the admin for some further information when suddenly someone knocked on the door.

- Are you ready yet? - Seike asked.

- Oh, sorry, I will hurry - I replied fast and finally took a fast shower. - I am sorry, I am really sorry, I am absolutely sorry, I am totally sorry... - I apologized when I came out. I was wearing his clothes and he was waiting for me half-nakedly. I nearly burst out laughing when I saw him because even I had bigger muscles on my whole body than he did.

- Great to see you alive - he smiled and went in. While waiting for him I drank some water and scanned the flat. It was smaller than Kevin's but luckily there was a sofa beyond the double bed so I didn't have to sleep near him. It eased my heart much.

It took him half an hour to finish so I began reading a story I had on my phone for months in a .txt-file. It was a fanfiction about a Danish girl having a holiday in Leipzig with the Kaulitz-twins (who actually live in LA now, but used to live in Loitsche, near Magdeburg, Germany) and falling in love with Bill. Although I downloaded it months ago I didn't have time to begin reading it yet. Oh, why do I read fanfics? I actually find them enjoyable and relaxing.

When Seike finally came out he gently offered me to sleep on his bed but I rejected it because I didn't want to change his life this much - and also because he couldn't sleep near me on the sofa, but I didn't tell him this either.

- Ah, I'm not sleepy yet - he said and sat near me on the sofa. - Would you like to watch something? - he asked pointing at the TV.

- And what would be that? - I asked back.

- Hmm... anything you want - he smiled playfully and took me to a cupboard where there were a thousand and one DVDs, I only had to choose.

- Then let me think... - I said and began looking at the titles. - I hope you have English dubbing or at least subscribe for each... - I commented while selecting. _21 Jump Street, Avengers, Captain America, Constantine, Crank 1-2, Dark Shadows, Doctor Parnassus, Dogma, How High, Iron Man 1-2-3, Pirates Of The Caribbean 1-2-3-4, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Shop Stop /Clerks/ 1-2, Stardust, Ted, The Hobbit, The Hunger Games, The Lord Of The Rings, The Queen Of The Damned, The Watch, Thor, Underworld 1-2-3-4..._ many films that I have seen several times. But there was one I have never heard before and aroused my interest: its title was _Upside Down_. - Ah, what is this? - I asked.

- A simple Romeo and Juliet story in an interesting universe - he said incidentally. - My ex left them here after breaking up.

- What is her name? - I asked suddenly.

- Oh, ooh, her name is... - he hesitated. - Eden. She is Eden.

- Okay, then check this film - I said and I could see his face becoming painful.

- But that is one hour forty-seven minutes long... - he disagreed.

- Never mind, you aren't sleepy, are you? - I grinned and put the DVD into the player. It had only English dubbing so we both understood the same of it. I knew he would be happier if I wanted to watch something less "wet" but - _c'est la vie, chérie,_ - I had a mood for this one.

I personally enjoyed the film but it couldn't be said about him as well - I had to dig him several times to keep him awake. Anyways, the girl's name was Eden in the film as well...

- How romantic... - I said after he turned the TV off. - I wish someone would do these for me either. - I tried to look meaningfully in Seike's eyes but yet he was lumbering to his bed so I couldn't see anything else but his back. I followed him.

- Good night - he yawned and fell into his bed without even looking at me.

- Better - I said and kissed his forehead. He hesitated for a moment and with his last energy touched my head and kissed me. _Just as I have planned..._

I knew it wasn't nice that I was just playing with him but it was not me who began so I didn't want to lose this time against a man.

- Good night - I grinned when I could feel he didn't even have any energy to sit and I went to the sofa. I waited until he fell asleep and I ran to the bathroom to wash my mouth out. I didn't like his piercings and his kiss at all. He wasn't good in it.

_Ugh, I have kissed someone Kevin had kissed as well... Disgusting._

I fell asleep at about midnight and slept as long as I could.

15th February, 2014.

It was weird not to wake up for a dog licking my face...

When I got up today he was still sleeping. Moreover, he was still sleeping when I finished cooking rice and frying some ham and eggs. Ah, and I made some coffee for him as well...

- Hey, Seike, aren't you hungry? - I asked him but he just murmured something and turned to his belly. _Hah, laziness itself. Even Kevin wakes up when I inform him that food is ready..._

I shrugged my shoulder and checked the clock. It was ten to eleven so I guessed I should go to the balcony for phoning Van. I wasn't brave enough yet to call Kevin.

- Hi - she answered and I could hear she was more cheerful than yesterday.

_Maybe sleeping caused this... or that Kev told her something. Or both._

- Hi, didn't I wake you up, did I? - I asked immediately.

- No, no, I got up two hours ago. Why did you call, anyways?

- Uh, I don't even know, I just want to know whether he is fine or not, maybe...

- I don't know; he's still asleep. But Luna has eaten, keep cool.

- And what about you?

- Actually I couldn't find any semi-cooked food at home so I couldn't make breakfast...

- Hhh - I sighed. I knew she couldn't make anything edible... but this much?

- Listen, don't you want to come home and...?

- I don't know, I don't know... - I spied around and as I could see Seike still snoring on his bed I decided. - Wait ten minutes and I will be there - I said and hang up. Luckily I was dressed up because I didn't want Seike to have juicy thoughts when he saw my bare legs in daylight.

I took my wallet, called a taxi and hurried home. Van was enthusiastic to see me and I had to remind her to stay quiet because Kevin was sleeping. While making food I explained how I became Kevin's fake-girlfriend and my plan of ruining Seike's life - or at least breaking his heart - and we agreed that he deserved this instead of showing his mud up.

- Ah, what do you think_ he_ would think of this? - she asked while biting of my sandwich.

- I have no clue. Not in the least. But I hope he will not hate me for this. He is not a typical avenger-type, neither am I but I just can't wait at a certain place or smile and act as nothing has happened at all. It has and we must take revenge if superiors do nothing. But I should go now before either of them wakes up. Bye - I smiled and made her promise she wouldn't tell anything to Kevin. I knew he would come and stop me I just didn't want to tell it to Van.

- Where have you been? - Seike interrogated me when I got back to his apartment.

- I was bored and also wanted to buy some new clothing so I bought these - I smiled and showed him two T-shirts that I actually brought from home.

- And did it take an hour? - There was no doubt he didn't believe me.

- Do you know how long it usually takes a woman to do the shopping? Next time come with me - I recommended.

- So you want to stay one night more? - he scraped his nape.

- You know I didn't mean like that - I replied fast but he just took me by waist.

- You know - he began - you can stay as long as you wish to - he said and kissed me. _Ugh, phew, phew, phew! Those piercings and that amount of saliva... blaaah, I will vomit..._

I spent all day there and behaved as I enjoyed it but actually I washed my mouth out as many times as I could. And it was a lot of times; he kissed me many more times in one day than Kevin in two months. _Ah, what have I even thought?_

16th February, 2014.

Last night I used Seike's sofa again but early in the morning I woke up for someone embracing me from behind. I didn't know how on Earth he had any space left there but he was successful.

_I must think of a suitable revenge soon or I must stay here and oh... I don't want to..._

Later when I woke up again he was trying to make some breakfast but the eggs in the pan looked a bit...

- Good, morning, princess - he smiled when he could see me opening my eyes.

_Ah, why do I feel déjà vu now...?_

- Better - I murmured and got up. - Shall I help? - I asked and got the pan out of his hand.

- Oh, maybe you could... - he said. - Can I help you as well?

- Yes, in this case open the window - I said while throwing the egg out. - And wash it up, please - I continued by pushing the pan into his hands. The kitchen was full of smoke but I could manage on making new breakfast.

- Men... - I murmured in Hungarian. - You simply shouldn't let them cook...

- What's that? - Seike asked.

- Nothing, nothing. Are you ready yet, huh? - I smiled and got a kiss from him. - Hey, I will ruin this, go further, go further.

- Do I confuse you? - he raised his eyebrows grinning.

- You do... - I whispered ostensibly to myself but I actually wanted him to hear it. - Listen, I just want to make some breakfast, okay?

- You don't have to - he took me by waist and bent closer to my face. He obviously wanted to kiss me. - I am hungrier for something else...

- Ah, for... this? - I took a lollipop out of my pocket. - I always have one with me just in case. Who knows when will I be hungry?

- Ah... - he sighed. - Now you messed my mood. - He took my lollipop and began eating it. Meanwhile I made my ham and eggs and sat down for eating.

- What's the matter? - I asked him when I could see his grumpy face. I have already finished eating then.

- Have you got a clue what I wanted to do to you? - he asked.

- Uhm... I have. But I was too hungry for that. C'est la vie, chérie - I smiled and kissed his forehead.

- What? - he raised his eyebrows.

- Such is life, darling - I translated the French sentence. - Can't you speak any French?

-_ Déjà vu, déjà vu..._ - he began singing a song. - _We were meant to be together, déjà vu, déjà vu..._

- Who sings it? - I asked.

- I do - he said seriously.

- I didn't mean now but usually - I said because he ruined my joke which I wanted to make him shut up with.

- It is my song - he announced. - It's a Seremedy-song.

- Ah, so you were the singer of Yohio's former band? You should have told me... - I said as I didn't know it before. I could see shock on his face so I thought it was my time. Sudden decisions have always ruled my life anyways. - Ah, and those DVDs... Kev had left them here, hadn't him? - I continued as someone who knew everything. - Man, I have imagined you a bit more... masculine. And taller. Ah, and someone who kissed better. But don't worry, your pupil was a great student, he outshone his teacher - I winked and he froze. I went to him and kissed his lips (even chew his lower lip a bit) before going home.

Later that day when I have explained everything to Kevin and finally Vanessa moved to Carina by swearing she wouldn't tell her anything I could hear in the news that Seike collapsed in the street and got to hospital.

6th March, 2014.

Humanity has shown its idiocy today. More concretely Kevin has shown his own idiocy. He was told to wear those fucking gloves while _playing_ with fire, I mean fireballs, but he - of course - didn't do and burnt his palm. Congrats, congrats... I told him that next time also I will kick him in balls if he doesn't trust a tradesman. Ah, it's like if he tried to hew a tree without axe, chop vegetables without knife, watch TV without electricity, make film without a camera, pay without money, run without legs or play non-acapella music without musical instruments. As I was telling him these scolds on Skype he bowed his head agreeing and promised to be more careful and less rule breaker.

8th March, 2014.

Crossing fingers for Kev... no, for YOHIO. I didn't go with him because I didn't want to show up with him yet - I have thought it would be enough in Copenhagen yet. Ah, and as Van has moved to Carina but her parents hasn't have any tickets left for the final show (last time finally she has been able get Eric to go with her) she is here with me. I have shown my diary to her but she was a gentlewoman (how creative word, Lord) and didn't want to read in it. She crosses her fingers as well near me when she doesn't pet Luna. They became great friends.

No, no, no, NO, NOO! NO, it can't be true! I can't believe! CORRUPTION! That... _woman_ got the first place with that song and my Parfé Prince became only the second? This number somehow became his unlucky number... Shit!

Actually Van and I burst out crying when we couldn't hear his name and we had to watch a bad romantic film eating ice cream to make ourselves a bit better.

I also sent him a message in which I wrote not to care because he was my winner but he hasn't replied yet. He may be at an after party...

_"__Thanks, I know... but now, I will be free after my new album is gone out. These days were murderous, am I right? Puspuss: K"_


	7. Extra - Angel In The Details

Angel In The Details

[better known as Our Fake Story; full shortened version]

Do you want to know how can a foreigner change your life? Or someone you have just met in the street? You simply shouldn't close real world out of your mind, you must take care of every single movement that happens in your environment because people around you can change your life for forever.

It happened in February, 2011. Dad figured out that it would be good for me if I went to breathe some fresh Mediterranean air and live through some real Mediterranean crowd. And where else could we find both than in the Carnival of Venice? Colorful clothes and happy people everywhere. I think he somehow had realized I was a bit depressed that time but we never spoke about.

As I have just mentioned I was rather introvert those times, I hid behind colors and make-up so no one could see what lay deep inside. I hardly ever went out of my room, I just played my guitar and wrote my songs. My guitar was one with me, it was the only one I opened for. I could tell it everything that was on my mind and getting things off my chest was easier if my talking partner was dumb as a grave. I knew it would never tell my problems to anyone - and no one would be able to read the lines I had written - like if I kept a diary. And now, my father wanted to tear me out of this beloved state.

I actually didn't want to go, I felt it was good for me to live in my pod without letting anyone in, and I was afraid of this trip that wanted to force me out of my comfort zone. Or may I just felt that it would change my life? I don't know. I don't even care - as I used to. With all my energy I worked on getting out of this fix.

First I wanted to get ill. It would have been the easiest, I thought, I just had to tell him I caught cold and we stayed at home. All this would have been all right; but when I informed him about my state he said it was one more cause to go to a place where I can get better. Dad : Yohio - 1:0.

Then I asked my friend, Seb to tell him his parents were going on a one-month-long business-trip so he had to sleep at our house. I didn't think he would call them.

Then I tried to break my leg but it was a dead idea even when I figured it out. When it came to jump down from the top of the tree in our yard I decided not even climbing on it. I was afraid of getting seriously injured and this fear was stronger that the one I felt for people.

The day of our journey was coming dangerously and as the days fell off in the calendar my state became even worse and worse. First I just couldn't sleep well, then I couldn't eat because my stomach was in cramp all day. Then one day I had a nightmare that returned over and over: an evil witch chased me in small streets and she simply didn't want to let me go. With every step we took she came closer and closer but I woke up every single day just before she could reach me. I was going on the same way every day and I didn't know: if I changed my way would she get me or let me go?

The night before we set off I didn't even sleep because I didn't want to see the witch again. I was thinking all night and although I was not a Christian I tried to pray Christian God to let me just live in peace and don't harass me with dreams like that but I didn't dare to fall asleep.

At six in the morning my family got up and after having our breakfast we went to Stockholm to get the plane to Venice. I didn't actually know Venice had an airport.

During the flight I simply tried to sleep but unluckily I wasn't able because the woman behind me took her noisy child with her and the one before me seemed to be afraid of flying so she was praying for two hours to get there safe and sound. They were really annoying and as I had left my headphones at home I couldn't even listen to music and have a rest. My only luck was that Amalia and Dad knew I didn't want to communicate so they were only chatting with each other and didn't force me to join them.

Getting there at about half past eleven a big crowd and strong sunshine welcomed me. At least I didn't forget to take my sunglasses with me. I felt really happy about it. I told Dad to give me some money I can spend and I tried to find the least crowded part of the city. I wasn't interested in either San Marco square or the Rialto, not speaking about the bridge of moans at the doge's palace but they didn't let me without showing me them. Then they let me go without a simple map and with two hundred Euros and told me to have my phone with me.

Of course it wouldn't have been me if I didn't cause a trouble just ten minutes later. We separated from each other and I was walking back the Rialto when I simply bumped into a girl who was in a hurry and both of us fell on the ground.

- Scusi, signorina _(~ sorry, Miss)_ - she said with her head bowed and even with my non-existing Italian-knowledge I could find out she thought I was a woman. My clothes and make-up may caused.

- Hey - I said a bit angrily and she looked up at me surprised. I actually wanted to tell her to go to Hell but when I could see her face I immediately changed my mind. - Never mind, I'm fine - I said finally and tried to help her getting up. Only after releasing her hand did I realize that she had some injuries. - Your hand is blooding - I announced.

- You don't say - she reacted in English and when our gaze met we burst out laughing. I still don't know what made me laugh then but I simply felt it would be joyful.

- Don't you want to go home and get this clean? - I asked after finishing to laugh. I didn't want her to get seriously injured because it would mean that I had to pay her for her hospitalization. And that she had been injured because of me.

- Oh, no, I can't go home, I'm not Venetian. I'm a simple tourist - she smiled embarrassed - just like I did. - I think I should go now, I want to find my group. Well, bye - she waved and the smile she gave to me made me melt.

- Hey - I caught her arm when she wanted to pass by me. - It was my fault that you fell. I'm sorry. But could I satisfy you with... a coffee for example? - I asked finally. As I have never offered anything like this to any girls I was embarrassed and proud of myself that I mumbled two times less than I did if I knew her. I thought that in the worst case she says _no_ and she walks away like nothing has happened. She wouldn't even remember this a month later.

- Uhm, yes, if you think so - she accepted. - My name's Beatrix anyways, but everyone calls me just Trixie - she said and pulled her hand as to be able to shake hands.

- Hi, I'm Yohio - I accepted and introduced myself. Her touch was strong.

- Wow, where are you from? This seems to be a Japanese name but you don't really look like one... - she checked my face. She was really close to me that made me embarrassed again and I was really surprised she didn't mention I blushed.

- It's actually a nickname - I let out a small laughter - no one uses my real name. Even my father calls me Yohio.

- Ah, I see. So, where's my coffee? - she smiled and with that she totally made me fall head over heels; I wanted to get to know her.

- That... er... - I mumbled and I was sure I blushed again. She just smiled at me and a simple moment later took my wrist and pulled me to a direction. - Hey, what are you doing? - I asked as soon as I realized what was going on.

- Some minutes earlier I found a café nearby that seemed to be a hundred times cheaper than those on Piazza San Marco. Come - she released me and I hurried next to her because I wanted to see her seeking the place.

- Hey, first we should wash your hand somewhere, don't you think so? - I questioned as I reached her.

- There was a fountain just near it so it will be good like this - she looked at me and told me to turn right. I first didn't understand what she was just talking about but when she bumped into me again I realized that she just wanted me to go into the street that was on my right side.

She took out some papers and tried to localize where we were and where we have to go. She even swore in her language when we missed a corner and it took us nearly half an hour - to get back to the Rialto.

- I can't believe it - she sighed and sat down on a bench. - Ah, I'm hungry - she said and took some sandwich out of her backpack. - Come, I can see you would hog it with your eyes.

I sat down near her and accepted the food. To be honest I haven't eaten anything since breakfast and as my stomach finally wasn't in cramp I began feeling that something edible would benefit. I wasn't actually hungry, yet I didn't feel hunger but I could feel a bit weak and some minutes earlier I nearly fell on her because I was close to faint - but she didn't know it; when I touched her shoulder and she looked at me I just said I stumbled.

- Wow, it's yummy - I said as I bit from the sandwich she gave me. - Who made it?

- Hmm - she smirked. - It was Mom because I nearly missed my bus to the town I came from - she said. - I'm notoriously late from everywhere.

We continued eating in silence. I wanted to talk to her because I enjoyed her company but I could see she was thinking on something strongly so I let her sink in her thoughts.

- Where were you going, anyways? - I asked her after our lunch. I was happy that I could start a conversation again because while being with her I at least didn't feel being alone although we didn't talk for a while. It was weird because the only person with whom I felt this was Sebbie; and now a girl who I have just met turned out to be a better company than my own family. It made me think my life over.

- As I have told you I have lost my group and I thought I could find someone but as I bumped into you I lost her - she said and got up a simple moment later. - There! - she shouted and began running into a direction. I couldn't do anything but following her if I didn't want to lose a friend I have just found far away from home.

It didn't take much time to reach her and make her slow down but also this amount of running made me pant and breathe heavily. My hand rested on her shoulder until I could breathe easily again and so I could feel how tiny she was. Looking at her I realized that she was smaller than the average height for girls in Sweden, only about 1,60 tall and her bones were thin as well. Thinking these over I felt I wanted to protect her, but this feeling rested in my heart only for some minutes, then I realized I didn't even know her and my thought flew away as a soap-bubble flies away when you blow it - and it pops in the end.

- Here - she said meanwhile and if I didn't grasp her shoulder she would have gone in and let me fall on my knees from tiredness. - Are you fine? - she asked apprehensively when she looked at me. - You don't look well.

- If you didn't run it wouldn't have happened - I replied. I didn't really mean it like that and luckily she didn't misunderstand me just caressed my head and promised me not to run next time. She was absolutely sympathetic so I began thinking: what on Earth might be her defect?

When I finally could stand on my two legs without grasping anything we went in the café.

- Buongiorno! _(~ good afternoon!)_ - we welcomed them and sat down at a random table deep inside the café. Why? Because it was darker there and as it seemed we both liked darkness.

- Buon pomeriggio, ragazze, cosa volete ordinare? _(~ good afternoon, ladies, what would you like to order?)_ - a waitress came to us to pick up our order. Of course I didn't understand anything of it; and also Trixie wasn't willing to translate. I poke her shoulder to show her I didn't understand anything and please, translate for me, but she just spread my hand down from her body - that irritated me a bit.

- Let me speak, please - she said and turned to the waitress speaking in Italian again. - Psst! É un ragazzo _(~ he's a boy)_ - she said pointing at me. I didn't really understand what she said but I clearly understood she was talking about me in spite of that too.

- Ah, scusimi, signore _(~ I'm sorry, Mr)_ - the waitress looked at me with an apologizing face that I simply smiled for. Yes, I was embarrassed again because I was surrounded by people.

- Nessun problema _(~ it's not a problem/ never mind)_ - she laughed and the waitress joined her.

- What are you guys talking about? - I asked a bit more angrily that I should. It just simply annoyed me that people were speaking in a language I didn't know near me - about me.

- Just... nothing, just choose something, 'kay?

- Er... what about a latte macchiato? - I checked the list of drinks. I actually didn't understand anything as it was written in Italian.

- Do you like milk so much? - she smiled at me with that absolutely cute smile only she had.

- Then... chocolate cappuccino, as usually. And you? I'll buy you anything just say it.

- A white chocolate but let me order - she said and after my nod turned to the waitress. - Signoina! Un cappuccino al cioccolato per lui e un cioccolata biancha per me, per favore. _(~ Miss! A chocolate cappuccino for him and white chocolate for me, please.)_

- Nient' altro? _(~ nothing else?)_ - she asked back.

- No, niente, grazie _(~ no, nothing, thanks.)_ - she smiled at her again. She was good at smiling at people.

- É cinque Euro e ottanta. _(~ five Euros eighty)_

- Un momento _(~ a minute, please)_ - Trixie said and turned to me. - Five Euros eighty. It's much cheaper than in the center and still good I believe.

- Here, give her ten. She can keep the rest - I took out my wallet and gave her the money.

- Cinque e ottanta per le bevande... E quattro e venti per te. Buona gironata! _(~ Five and eighty for the drinks... And four and twenty for you. Have a nice day!)_ - she paid to the surprised waitress and then began talking to me again. - Don't you think you were a bit too generous? - She bent closer to my face as to be able to talk more quietly. - Who are you to pay so much? I came here with twenty Euros! You're fishy, guy... - Her words made me fear my identity. - Ah, never mind, it's not my business.

- Eccoli _(~ here you are)_ - the waitress came back with our drinks. Trixie thanked her and for a while we were sipping in silence.

- Uhm, tell me about you - I said when we have finished our drinks. As soon as I said I regretted. I was too concrete.

- Well... my name's Beatrix, I'm fifteen and a half years old - she began speaking while she held her head with her palms. - And I'm actually not Italian, I'm Hungarian.

- Really? - I widened my eyes. I actually didn't know where Hungary was, I thought it was somewhere in central Asia so it surprised me that she looked... European. - I thought you were because you could communicate with them so easily.

- Haha, you're funny - she smiled at me. - I've just learnt it at school.

- Did you say fifteen and a half? Which month were you born in? - I asked curiously. I was fifteen and a half too and I couldn't have stood if she was older.

- June - she said easily and it broke my dreams apart. She was older so I began feeling minority-complex. - Why? - she asked.

- You're a month older than me - I said sadly.

- And? - she asked again. - Never mind, I won't order you - she laughed.

- And... what kind of films and books do you like? - I asked after we have discussed our taste in food, colors, smells, places and weather. As I was a musician yet I wanted to ask it at the end. First I wanted to know whether she liked the things I did.

- My favorite book is The Lord of The Rings-trilogy, I have read it twice last year and my favorite film... I don't know; I like mainly fantasy, comedy and romance. What about you, dear Mr. I-still-don't-know-where-are-you-from? - _Really, where am I from?_ I even forgot this when she told exactly the same things I liked.

- Ah, I'm from Sweden, anyways. Well, believe it or not but it's the same for me - I replied.

- Romance? - she asked. Seemingly she couldn't believe her ears. Of course; not many men confess they like romance although most of them enjoy it. We have feelings as well, ain't we?

- Yes, romance, is it a problem? - I laughed. _And now... last but not least..._ - And a last question: music?

- Music? Hmm... - She looked on the ceiling and now she looked like a real clumsy angel who had lost her way. - It has been Tokio Hotel and Cinema Bizarre for the last four years but nowadays I mainly listen to Nightwish. Why do you grin that much? - she asked when she looked back at me and I realized that I truly was grinning like an idiot.

- Nothing, nothing - I said. - It's been long that I could find someone who liked the same things as I did. Er... - I was embarrassed again. - Would you like to go for a walk?

- Sure - she got up and we left to the San Marco square. I wanted to find a place where there weren't many people - and she helped me seeking one. It took us half an hour to get there but it was worth: we could find the nearly only place in the city that was green - and that had a playground. Both of us were taking photos but neither of us took of we two: we didn't think we would meet again and wanted it to be something like a summer-romance; better said a one-day-long-friendship. And also we didn't dare to ask for it.

As Dad hasn't called me yet I offered to go back with her to the place she met with her group at eight. Yes, we spent the whole afternoon together - and we got on very well. Getting there everyone stared at me and her. I had promised her to wait until she took on the ship that took them back to the bus in Lido di Jesolo and when she nearly got on it I gave her a piece of paper I have written when I had some free time and she didn't pay attention on me.

- What's this? - she asked while looking at me surprised.

- Just check later - I said and kissed her cheeks three times. She looked at me a bit surprised then smiled and promised that she only will check it on the bus on the way home.

What was on the paper? My messenger-address and my facebook, and that she should add me on both. I knew I was reckless to give out my identity to an unknown person but I enjoyed the time we spent together so much that I didn't want to lose my new friend.

The ship just left the harbor and I have just stopped waving to her when my phone began ring. It was Dad and he told me to meet before the doge's palace twenty minutes later. He was surprised that I was smiling for myself when I got there; and that when he asked me about what has happened so far I didn't answer but the smile on my face grew even bigger.

Later at home I thought over what the Hell happened to me and I just couldn't find any rational conclusion but that I met an angel from Heaven.

Next day, at about noon, while I was checking my MSN and facebook I could realize I had friend-requests on both. It was her - and as soon as I accepted them she wrote me a message on messenger:

_Hey, man, didn't we agree this would be a one-day-long-friendship?!_

I videocalled her immediately. I actually wanted to see her face. Was I missing her or what?

- But you added me, didn't you? - I laughed in the camera. I was happy to see her. Truly.

- 'Coz I wanted to scold you! I'm banning you now... - she said rigidly and I was sure she would do so if I didn't think of something useful soon.

- No! - A simple _No!_ was the only reaction that came out of my mouth. My active vocabulary was awful, wasn't it? I didn't let her do it alone, I was scolding myself as well...

- What's that? Huh? - she asked a bit annoyed but I could understand her. She wanted me to stay a one-day-long-happiness and didn't want to get disappointed because of me.

- I... I just enjoyed the time I spent with you. Couldn't we become... netfriends? - It was the only idea that came into my mind; but at least it was better than nothing.

- Well... I enjoyed it as well... - She blushed. I was sure she blushed. Or did I just want it? I don't know. - So you got home safe and sound... - She sidetracked. Obviously she couldn't (or didn't want to) answer me yet.

- Yes, and it seems you as well. - I accepted that she didn't want to talk about it. Yet in Venice I realized that she did the same when a topic occurred that I didn't want to talk about. She simply ignored it and began talking about something rather banal just to save my mood. It was really nice from her, I appreciated this value of hers.

- Yeah, but I couldn't sleep on the bus and I'm tired now so... have a nice day, Mr. Volvo! - she smiled a bit arrogantly and with this simple sentence (and objection) disconnected as well. Her arrogance made me surprised but I could feel it was only an act.

- Hey... This girl... Ah! - I leaned back in my seat smiling. Later at half past six p.m. she logged in again and so I was sure she didn't want to ban me. She also apologized for being so rude but as she couldn't sleep on the bus she didn't want anything else just fall in bed and sleep. I could understand her. She told me that some people were asking her about me and she had to say I was a friend she have known for years and finally she was able to meet; then we talked about useless things. On that night I slept even better than ever in my life though my father and Amalia were arguing about something later.

From that day we always talked after learning, we discussed school and people, sometimes the books we were reading or the films we have just seen. She somehow brought me back to life via Internet. During these conversations I realized that we in Sweden didn't have to learn hard. She sometimes showed me her homework and I was surprised both on the quality and the quantity. They learned some things I've never heard about although I had my final exams next year. This made me respect her cleverness as well, not only her age. I sometimes felt there were too many things to respect in her. But still I didn't want to tell her that I was playing in a fairly well-known band in Sweden. Not yet.

On New Year's Eve I vowed I would tell her about my job next day but my declaration turned out to be less important and sensational than hers. But we shall start at the beginning: I was celebrating with the band and Seb out in the town until dawn so I got home at about six in the morning. I was neither drunk, nor afflicted by hangover but absolutely exhausted. I wanted nothing else but a comfortable bed and a well-situated blanket with a giant pillow. As soon as I got these I fell asleep not thinking about anything. I only woke up at five p.m. and then a message was waiting for me:

_Yohio, call me asap, I have some great news! ;)_

I couldn't imagine what kind of news she could have. She had always been gushing about someone she was longing for for the last some months and she said she would go to the party this guy was going to go but the image didn't fill in yet.

I called her on MSN and as her happy face appeared on the screen I smiled unintentionally.

- So, let me hear that great news! - I said instead of welcoming her. I wanted to get through of this soon and tell her about myself.

- He asked me out! He really asked me out! Can you imagine? I was running after him for two years and he asked me out last night! Oh, my heart beats faster every time I think of it...

- Ah, really? - I asked not even concentrating on what she was saying but on her warm voice. It has always enchanted me; I didn't even concentrate on the thing I wanted to tell her.

- Aren't you happy about it? I won't ever cry again about my platonic love for you! Never more! Ah, this is a materialized dream, isn't it? - she looked at the ceiling wondering.

- Listen, I must tell you something... - I began my confession. I thought it was a now or never because I was sure I wouldn't dare to do it again.

- Ah, I think I love Ivor! - she sighed and leaned back grinning in her seat.

- WHAT? - I asked loudly. I finally realized we were talking at cross-purposes. What she has just said hit me in heart.

- Didn't you pay attention on me? - she got up from the chair. - Ah, men, all the same, you tell them something and they don't even pretend listening to it. But my darling is different... What did you want to say, anyways? - she sat down again.

- Nothing interesting, I... I just wanted to congratulate for your relationship. I hope it will last long and he will make you happy. - My heart contracted into a tiny coin while I was telling her these. - Listen, I must go now, bye! - I waved her and as I could see her waving back I switched my computer off and fell in my bed gloomily. First of all I wanted to think - and what could be a better place to think than a hot bath? I immediately let hot water in the tub and sitting in it I began to think about her. Some minutes later I suddenly realized that I didn't know what I was feeling for her and that I couldn't decide whether I was happy or sad about her love. She had always loved him, hadn't she? She had known him for more time than she had known me, hadn't she? Then why did I feel my heart and stomach in cramp when I could realize she loved him and he wanted to try with her as well?

Thinking back I guess I was simply jealous. But of course I wouldn't dare to confess it for even myself - because that would have meant I loved her - and I didn't want to love someone living such far-far away from me.

However, I felt like she had cheated on me, on the relationship that was between us. This was the time when the first version of Heartbreak Hotel was born - but I simply put it into the drawer and locked it. I didn't want to give this to Seike because it was about my too-honest-feelings for my Angel. They would interrogate me and I couldn't answer. _Who's this girl? How did you meet her? How long had you known her? Why hadn't you mentioned her? What do you feel for her?_ These were the questions I didn't want to - or couldn't - answer. I simply wanted her to stay my secret that I didn't share with anyone, but the lyrics were too concrete to say I just imagined the feeling - as I used to do before.

From that day I wrote more and more lyrics about love. Most of them were imagined acts but the feelings I wrote down were real. I always showed her the lyrics I have just written and she always loved them. Meanwhile I could tell her I was playing in a band and when I told her this band was famous both in Japan and Sweden she told me she had already known because I informed her anno in Venice and she checked it as soon as she got home; she was just waiting for me to confess. It really eased my heart.

For one and a half year I could manage on playing a good friend who really wanted nothing from her but her true friendship. I was her soul-dustbin - as she was mine. She was the one who kept spirit in me when I was a bit depressed, when I finally didn't win Melodifestivalen and when some problems have occurred in Seremedy - and when we finally disbanded. She told me not to worry because all these things were forming my personality, they taught me to lose and they let me time to think and write even better songs - and one day she incidentally added that with this I could spend more time with her, but then she withdrew her statement.

Then one day she didn't answer my call. She only wrote a message that said she needed some time alone. Next day she informed me that her father and her brother had just died on the previous day in a car-accident. She was really lucky because if she had gone straight home from school she wouldn't be alive. I somehow could understand the shock she had to live through. I played her soul-dustbin as I always had been doing and she got a bit better. She had a strong personality that didn't let her break - yet.

Her eighteenth birthday was only a month later. That day I called her as well and she told me about the party her friends and family made for her... And that Ivor, that trash broke up with her. While talking with her my mouth was saying sympathetic stuff but my heart danced in my chest. In the last one and a half years I could think it over a thousand and one times and I always reached the same conclusion: it was not bad if I lived in a long-distant-relationship. She didn't deflect my attention as much as I could meet her several times because I didn't think of the things I wanted to do with her but on the work I must do at home. Also my fans couldn't reach her easily, but only if I could protect her identity; and if I didn't even meet her photos couldn't be taken of us... This plan was perfect, I only had to confess my feelings for her - but I didn't dare to.

Next week she told me her mother had decided to move to Sweden with Trixie. You can't imagine what I felt then. First of all immeasurable happiness because it would have meant we could meet again, at least when I had a concert in the city she was going to live. Then I felt that if I was able to meet her again I shouldn't tell her about my feelings via Internet, it would be better face to face. And now I began fearing her from my fans. I absolutely began feeling that I had to protect her, so my happiness has turned into apprehension.

Unfortunately I was working in Japan when she moved to my beloved home-country so I couldn't welcome her when she landed in Stockholm. And on that exact day I got a call. I thought she just wanted to tell me she got there safe and sound but it was something else - as she had always had tricks up her sleeve she didn't let me get disappointed this time - she informed me that her widow mother wanted to get married again with a man my Angel hadn't even known before. I agreed that she had at least told her before because it shocked her that much that I could see something I've never wanted to: Trixie broken down. She cried and I could rarely understand what she was saying but slowly I could figure out what has happened to her. Finally all feelings, all the pain she had broke out of her and I wanted to run there and caress her back but I was too far away from her.

Next day she seemed to had calmed down so I finally could ask her something I have wanted for the last some days:

- Where actually have you moved? - I was concrete and direct, I have learnt it was the best way to talk with her, as she didn't think as difficultly as most women.

- How do you mean? - she asked back. I can remember she looked at me as a puppy that didn't understand what her owner wanted to tell her.

- What's the name of the city? - I asked again a bit differently as to make it more understandable for her. - Or is it Stockholm?

- No, it's further - she said. I could see she had known an important piece of information I didn't, but that I should. - It's actually Sundsvall.

My eyes widened automatically. She was going to live in Sundsvall. I was repeating this simple sentence for myself so many times that I nearly forgot it's meaning. I was sure it wasn't by chance, it had some meaning. May it have been an answer for my dilemma?

- A.. and have you realized that... - I stuttered from excite. I had a strong chance to meet her and this meeting could happen even in my own flat! - that that is the place where I live?

- Yes - she answered blushing. - But you're never at the right place, you can't help me out when it's needed... See, you didn't stop me when I went on the first date with Ivor and even now you're in Japan. Aish... - she threatened me with her finger playfully. It was the other thing I loved in her: she always made big problems seem banal and soluble.

- I promise I will get home soon. By the way... - _And now: Yohio will ask something important._ My heart began beating faster, I was excited to hear her answer. - Do you believe in chance? That things just happen randomly?

- Why do you ask it? - she asked back again. It was her vice, but it didn't bother me though.

- Just answer, please! - I hustled her. I couldn't imagine what she needed time for.

- No, I don't... - she said finally her head bowed down and she switched the camera off.

I didn't take care of her last act, I just leaned back in my seat and felt... truly happy and peaceful. There was only one important thing: she didn't believe. I didn't believe either. It must have meant... she thought that her random moving to my hometown wasn't by chance, it was our destiny...

This summer was the busiest summer of my life. I was making music, video clips and some acting in Japan that I had a license for so I couldn't go home any time I wanted, and I knew the filming would only end some days before Christmas. But it happens when you accept to play a role in a dorama. Then my Angel told me she would live not very far away from me in Sweden. And two months later... she informed me that even her mother died. This was the exact moment when I couldn't stand it more and after I could get myself up from the ground I asked my father to take care of her. It was interesting for both of them because they haven't met before and now she was going to live with them until I got home. I have decided to act and make her move to me when I went home. I only had to tell her these.

That day when she moved to my old room she called me - it was 17:30 in Sweden but 00:30 in Japan.

- Hey, man, I can see you being tired - she said instead of welcoming me. It was our habit to begin everything in medias res, the middle.

- No, I'm not - I smiled. I actually was exhausted from work and I have drunk five coffees to stay awake while I was waiting for her call.

- Okay, you know... - she shrugged her shoulders. - I have moved in - she continued and showed the camera the full room. - Has it changed a lot since you live alone?

- No, it hasn't - I replied. - Listen... how do you feel now? - I asked finally. I wanted to get to the point step by step.

- I feel heavenly, I am in a place you used to live before... I even can smell - she breathed a big. - Phew, did you leave your sock in a cheese-soup under the bed? - she asked revolted. She even stood up and went checking it.

- What are you talking about? - I questioned uncomprehendingly. - I've never done it!

- Never mind, I was just pulling your leg - she laughed. - But it is really interesting to see where you lived when I met you. Ah, my room has changed a lot since 2011... - she said wondering. - But this place is friendly, I'd keep it.

- Wouldn't you... I mean... would you mind... when I get home... - I stuttered embarrassed.

- What do you want to say? Huh? - she hustled me.

- When I get home would you mind moving to my flat? - I gabbled finally.

- Wait, are you serious? You've really asked me to move to you? - she laughed as I was only joking. She didn't understand yet. - It would seem as we were a pair.

- Would you mind it? - I asked after a short pause.

- Of course I wouldn't mind moving to you, it wouldn't be odder than moving to your unknown parents' house for the remaining four months.

- And would... you mint the other one? - I asked without any hope. I just wanted to finish it.

- The other... what? - she widened her eyes.

- Please, don't act as you didn't understand! - I said annoyed. - You exactly know what I am talking about.

- Well... I haven't met you for years but... - she seemed to wonder about it. - But I think I wouldn't mind...

- Really? - I asked excited.

- Ah, what do you think, why did I accept to come here? I could easily go straight back to Hungary I just didn't want to leave you here - she said grumpily. She even turned her back to the camera as to show her huff.

- I love you - I said finally and switched my computer off immediately. I was both tired and confused. Next day I didn't even remember whether my confession was true or just a hallucination until I called her - or she called me, I can't remember, but it doesn't even matter.

- Say it again - she welcomed me waywardly.

- Hi to you as well - I reacted.

- Listen, I can't remember whether I dreamt it or you really said so say it again as to make me sure - she lay down the law.

- Okay, okay, you won - I smiled at her.

- Ah, look at you, once you're as rigid as the freezer and now you show up with your angelic smile. It's not fair! - she laughed at me.

- No, it's too weird to say... I love you - I said when I could see her face becoming sad.

- I... - she smiled at me blushing angelically embarrassed. - I love you too. - Long pause. - And now? - she looked at me curiously.

- You can't imagine how much I want to kiss you now... - I looked in the camera. I was proud of myself for telling her what was on my mind.

- Then come home fast - she laughed cutely. - And bring me something from Japan, huh?

- I will, my Angel - I promised. I didn't know what I would give her but I wanted something memorable. I began thinking about it and I nearly fell down from the chair.

- Hey, you seem to fall asleep, go to bed soon and from now you don't have to call me every day, keep cool, I won't cheat on you - she laughed and I accepted her advice and went to sleep. I have never slept that good ever in my life, neither when I first met her.

During the next four months I was thinking of the best thing I could give her. I even asked my colleagues but they were too... Asian and had no clue about what I wanted. But what did I expect if even I didn't know what I wanted? But on the last day I spent there I finally got the _divine-spark_. I was in a Jewel store because I wanted a new necklace. And then my gaze fell on it. I immediately knew it would be the best gift for the one I haven't seen for ages.

On the plane from Tokyo to Stockholm I tried to sleep but for two hours I couldn't manage on it because I was wondering whether she would like the present I wanted to give her or not. Then at Stockholm I had to wait for a half day because of the heavy snowing. It was a last difficulty from life before I could see her again. I knew she would wait for me on the airport and I felt it was unfair that after years we had to wait finally ten more hours before I could see her again. It made me nervous.

When her face appeared on the horizons - I froze. I couldn't believe I would be able to hug her again just in some moments. I was dreaming of this for years. In my dreams I was finally a man she would desire. In my dreams I was... I know it's wet and too romantic and girlish, but... deep inside my most honest dreams she was my wife. Girlish stuff, right? But my actual thoughts were a bit more adult in most of the time. In my dreams...

_In my dreams her true beauty blinded me as I looked at her. It was like if I used to live in dark and now I stepped in the light and the colors that vividly danced in front of my eyes wanted to get into my eyes that intensively that I would have needed a pair of sunglasses as to be able to watch them from further. I would have to protect myself from her beauty but I wanted all so avidly that my lust has nearly killed me. I didn't want to live through the excitement of waiting for the right time, self-continence and the pleasure of getting known her step by step but I wanted the pleasure of getting everything at one time, suddenly. If she didn't make me stop I'd gotten everything she could give me, not only her shy kisses - that later became passionate._

This was my dream. And now my dream was coming in my direction. My heart beat faster as she came closer and closer to me; but when only a meter separated me from her she stopped. She stopped and when I wanted to take a step into her direction I couldn't. I wanted to hold her hand, to hug her, to kiss her, to... to be able to touch her but I couldn't get myself to get closer to her than a meter.

It was her who broke the silence and advised to go home. We took a taxi and went home. Even in the car I didn't touch her because I didn't dare to. I didn't know what she would let me do with her although we were together for four months and I didn't want to hurt her.

When we got home I thought I would simply go inside and fall on the first thing that I could sleep on but of course my family didn't let me, they wanted me to talk about my job. I was both confused and tired because I wanted to spend some time with my Angel. I couldn't give her my present yet as I wanted it to be a memorable moment. After two hours _ask me, I answer_ we finally could withdraw to my room to talk a bit.

- How was your travel like? - she asked when I closed the door. She seemingly wanted to begin communicating with me as we didn't talk yet.

- Hmm, it was first of all long because I couldn't wait to see you. But do you really want to talk about my travel? - I sat closer to her. She didn't want to sit further - because she was sitting directly near the wall. _Muhaha!_

- No, I'd prefer to... - she came closer to me and bowed her head on my shoulder. - I couldn't sleep on the airport while waiting for you, so I'm absolutely tired.

- Oh, I see... - I said disappointed. I hoped she wanted something else but she just wanted to sleep. I could be happy that she didn't send me out. But at least she took the first step and hugged me before I touched her. - Hey, didn't you say you wanted to sleep?

- But I want to - she said while playing herself into sitting position. - But you hadn't given me my present, had you? - she laughed at me while grasping my right arm.

- Really, your present... - I stood up and went to the corner of the room where I had left my bags. I opened one of them and took out a small pack. Then I went back to the bed, sat down near her and gave it to her. - Please, don't misunderstand it, it's just something I thought you'd like.

She opened the small box I gave her without a simple word and took out the ring that was inside. I could see surprise on her face.

- Wow, it's beautiful... - she said while wondering it in her palm.

- Do you like? - I asked and as she nodded I helped her putting it on. It looked wonderful on her tiny hand.

After I told her I liked to see it in her we just silently smiling looked in each other's eyes. Then only a moment later our faces began to approach. My heart beat faster as I took her by waist and she hug my neck. We closed our eyes and as our lips met I brought her down to the bed. I was truly blissful that I finally got her, that she was mine. I felt I didn't need anything else but her near me. I felt my life has fulfilled when I finally could feel the girl I loved in my arms; and I didn't want to let her go away ever.


End file.
